one more medicated, peaceful moment…

i really appreciate all the positive feedback i’ve been getting, and i’m glad i will have readers @ my new site. you can find me @ www.jamillia.wordpress.com. trust me, there are many more stories to share.

i just wanted to take a minute and thank junkylife and all the people that have read and commented on my story since i started here. if you read me at all i don’t have to tell you it’s been a bumpy ride, and writing here has been a lifeline for me.  so thank you, for putting this project togehter, where i felt like i could express my inner most demons, and for reading it all, identifying, adn reminding me that there are ppl in the world that don’t judge, and that can see me as more than just a junky. even when i couldn’t do that myself.

so, like i said last time, i hope you will come along with me to wordpress…because i don’t know about you, but i still need this.

jamillia.wordpress.com—-that’s my new home.

let’s get on with this junky’s life. 

so i just got the news junkylife is shutting down. eh. just like everything else in my life….coming down around my ears.

but what can you do? i moved my blog over to regular wordpress…..same blog title, different username. this beautiful disaster will now also be known as jamillia. (one of my favorite disco biscuits songs.) so if you wanna come along, i’ll still be writing…hope to catch you on the flip side. 

here’s a good story for all you asshole that want to see me fail (all you supportive ppl, this is not aimed at you) a little sarcastic tourture on my part.)

yesterday was my first day back at work after my cousin john (god protect him) hung himself. i had it in my twisted mind that i was not under any circumstances going to get high today. not going to fucking happen.

needless to say, i was at the same place waiting for the same thing at the regular time. i can not explain to you why. i don’t fucking know why. there is no good reason. i’m just weak  and alone, and i dont know how to deal. but the entire time i’m thinking. kaia just go you don’t need this shit just go home and it will be okay/ be good to yourself. it’s okay. just go home.    obviously, that’s not what happened, and despite the guilt i felt in my stomach i went home with a bag of coke and two bags of dope.  like it was made for tv, the shit was garbage, and i spent the rest of the night rummaging through the trash for cottons to help me come down from this geeked out mess. ( if you ar a real addict, you know where i’m coming from) and now, for the grand finale…..i came down w/ the worst cotton fever you have seen since the days of andy warhol’s factory. (i just take me pokes) i was shaking and sweating the night away, knowing the whole time i brought it on myself, cuz i couldn’t curb my urge to use. i didn’t get high tonight. although i am a little drunk. and i won’t get high tomorrow. friday, well, that’s friday. i don’t give a fuck if it’s right or wrong, this is just me, as real as i can be, trying to give you a little something to read.

this is just another example of god puttting all the signs i can handle right in front of me, and me being to scared and settled in addiction to listen. and i pay…..i pay every time.

i am aware that when i put my story on this blog, i put myself out there for any kind of reaction. i know everyone is entitled to their opinion.  but lateley i’ve been getting alot of comments on here (i don’t approve them because i’m not going to allow people to trash me on my own blog) accusing me of not caring about my family or anyone else.  saying i’d be better of dead, and i don’t deserve to be happy because i am the asshole that doesn’t get sober. telling my my life also known as thier entertainment, is getting old, and they don’t want to hear it anymore.i do take full responsibility for all of my actions, and i am aware that i keep making the same mistakes over and over. it doesn’t mean i don’t care. i find it hard to believe ppl that would tell me things like that have ever suffered from this disease. i’m not going to get into why i can’t seem get clean, my bottomless pit of issues of abuse and self deprication. (which are not excuses, i understand) the truth of the matter is i try to be as honest as possible on this site, with myself and my readers. and i get shit for that alot. maybe ppl don’t really want to hear the inner thoughts of an active addict still in the grips of self-centered thinking, a girl driven by fear and feelings of worthlessness. because that’s what the main idea is here. i can’t get clean because i truely don’t believe i’m worth the effort. i truely don’t believe i will ever have a good life. i’ve never seen it, i’m not sure it’s real. and i feel more often than not that it is out of my reach. so i stay stuck. like alot of sick people. so i say this. if you don’t want to hear it, or you are fed up with my active addict issues, please just don’t read anymore. this blog is one of my few outlets to vent my frustrations with myself and get the poison out of my head. don’t attack me here.  i do my best to be loving and understanding of all the people in my life. and if i’m not hurting you, i’d like you to try to be understanding of me.  i’m just trying to live this one day, right now. cut me some slack. thanks.

*note* in my last entry i used real names, due to the fact that i was waisted, please disregard, and well go on w/ out alias’s. thank you* so, let me see if i can arrange all this tragedy and misery in chronological order…..an ambitious task indeed.last thursday was like every other day before it for the past few months. i was sitting @ my desk, impatiently waiting for jesse.  granted, lunch wasn’t for hours, but i had convinced him to bring me a mid-morning fix, seeing as he was in the neighborhood. “thanks love, i really need it today.” i said, emptying out files from the previous day.  “no problem baby, i’ll be there in an hour or so.” i hung up the phone and got back to work. “you looooove him.”  CC, my coworker giggled.  CC is more like a good friend that a coworker.  and she has had a front row seat to the horror show i call my life for quite a few months now.  she is one of the only people in the city who knows i use, and isn’t a junky.  i love her, and i’m lucky to have such an understanding friend. she is always teasing me about the men in my life.  “do they have -boys anonymous-, kaia? you could use that i think.”  and she’s right, of course.  if you have read a paragraph of this blog, you and i both know i have issues w/ men.  chalk it up to a fear of being alone coupled with a constant need to be the center of someone’s world.  i am fully aware its unhealthy, but it is of no consequence to me @ this time.  so yes, i did start dating jesse….on my birthday…about three weeks after casey broke up w/ me.  which was a direct result of my friendship with jesse.  i am happy with him, although i never thought i would be.  goes to show what i know.  he treats me well, makes me laugh, loves me “as is”, which is something casey just couldn’t do.  with casey everything was my fault, and if i could only fix myself, everything would be fine.  jesse doesn’t spin that game.  we would be set for life, if we didn’t get high…..if only.my celly wrang again. “hello….mom?”“kaia, where is john?” my mom sounded a little panicked.“mom, i haven’t seen john since i came home last.” i told her.  john is my first cousin on my mom’s side.  his story is similar to mine is some ways.  he’s 19 years old, with a killer drug habit.  one overdose, two stints in rehab.  the big difference between us is support. as in i have it, he didn’t.  his parents (my aunt and uncle ) pretty much disowned him a couple months before christmas.  not after the DUI’s, or having a baby with his high school girlfriend…..but it was the army that was the last straw.  john joined the army around the same time as my brother aaron.  they both had a very hard time acclimating the military life.  aaron got into heavy drinking, was PC’d by MP’s, and broke his nose in a bar fight.  soon after he found a girl and distracted himself with that enough to keep his mind off army shit.  johnny, on the other hand….went awol and had been hiding out in a crackhouse back home.  and that was the catalyst that put up a wall between him and his parents.but he did have one thing going for him….my family.  my mom is the most understanding, loyal, loving person on the planet, perhaps in the galaxy.  as long as there is a breath in her, no one she loves will go without.  she took john in and gave him my old room.  he’s been living @ her house since before halloween.  my youngest brother, dax became best friends w/ john.  aaron, john and i had always partied hard together, and him moving practically seamless.  he was like another brother.  everytime i came home for the weekend it was me, dax and johnny.  he fit right in, and we loved him just as he was…..imperfect like the rest of us. but i know the rejection from his parents hurt him deep.  he keeps his feelings to himself, mostly. but if you read the laundry list of traumas in his life, its fair to say he has alot of pain.worst hit of all….the baby.  john III, about 14 months old.  for john, the sun rises and sets for that baby alone.  he and molly (the mother) had been together since they were 13.  the relationship fell through, like most high school romances do.  molly moved back in w/ her mother, who hates john, blames him for all that is wrong with the world.  you can do the math…..john hasn’t seen his baby since christmas.  that two hour visit was the first in months.  watching him w/ his son was bittersweet to say the least.  i was so happy to see them together again, but crushed to know it would be the last time until god knows when.   that’s alot for a kid to deal with.“nobody has seen john since last wednesday, kaia.” mom’s voice was shaking.“what?” i was instantly worried.  “why didn’t anyone call me?”“we’ve been calling everyone, kaia. this is not like him.”she was right, john may be a heavy drinker, and he can hold his own @ any party…but he always comes home, or calls at least.  if mom or dax don’t hear from him, aaron or i do. it’s just how it is with us.“okay, mom, call the  police and file a missing persons.  i’m gonna come home tomorrow, and if he’s still not around i’ll go out and check some flop houses i know of.  but he’ll be back by then, anyway.“kaia, somethings not right.” mom was crying.“its gonna be fine, don’t worry.”about an hour later, my cell wrang again.  it had to be jesse, he should be pulling in right about now.“it’s about time, sucka.” i laughed.“kaia.” it was mom. i could barely understand her. “kaia we found him.”my heart sank. ice in my veins. no breath. “what?”“kaia, he’s dead.”no.“what?”“baby he killed himself.NO.“he hung himself.”nononononononononononononononononoNONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO“mom, no. mom, no.” i fell to my knees in the middle of the office. “what do you mean, it’s not true. it’s not true. mommy, please mommy. please don’t. no. no.” tears stream down my face and pool on my chin. “i gotta get out of here.” running down the hall to find my boss. “i gotta go home, my cousin is dead. my cousin is dead. i need to see my mom. i have to go right now.”  my boss just nodded her head, mouth open. i’m sure she was shocked by the absolute psychotic mess i transformed into before her eyes. i got on the phone and relayed the horror to jesse.“we need to go home. we need to get home.”“baby i am so sorry.” he said. we will go right now, i’m on my way. i’ll do anything for you, it’s going to be okay.” he said, using his valium voice to sooth me.“jesse, i need to get fucking high right fucking now.” i gasped between sobs.“i’ve got it covered, baby. i’ll be there asap.” and then i waited. curled up in a ball crying on the floor in a back room in my office. this can’t be real. what the fuck happened? i don’t understand i don’t understand i don’t understand.from what i have gathered from bits and pieces is this: my cousin called me wednesday night, looking to party. i told him i was in the city and i couldn’t get to him, and besides, we were trying to cut down on the partying, weren’t we?  he agreed we said we’d chill. i asked him to call me when he got back to my mom’s house, just to talk. he said he weould. his friends dropped him off @ my mom’s house minutes later….he never went inside. instead, he walked across the street to a spot we have kegger @, and hung himself from a tree out there. a week went by with everyone calling each other trying to find him. it finally occured to someone to check the spot, sometimes he went out there alot to party. he had an overdose out there last year, and was only saved by chance. one of our friends stumbled across him out there. this time he left no room for error. jesse and i had other plans for this weekend. this was the weekend we were going to detox. i had called around and found a place where we could be on seperate floors, but in the same building, so we knew each other was safe. of course, now we would be going back home…..i’d have to put off detox.  i got in the car shaking like a epileptic. jesse handed me a set, full of numbness. that is all i wanted. (please spare me the critiicism, i know it’s not the right way to deal, but i frankly didn’t give a fuck at the time. don’t like it, don’t have to read it. thank you) i got fucking wrecked. finally my breathing slowed and i could talk again. “i just don’t get it. i just don’t get. we just saw him. i don’t understand. what about the baby? what about my brothers? this isn’t real. this isn’t fucking happening.”  i just kept shaking my head, rocking back and forth, crying a little more quietly than before. jesse put his hand on my knee. “it’s gonna be okay, hun.” he said, calmly. we are going to be there soon, and it will be okay.” we drove the rest of the way in silence. i got to my mom’s house and it was like walking into a nightmare. my house was full of family and friends, everyone crying, staring blankly. it was horrific. my mom was like a zombie, thank you xanax. she’s so fragile emotionally to begin with, i dont’ blame here for taking a pill. i just sat there, on the floor, with my head on her leg, like i used to when i was little. john’s friends were in the living room, they were the ones that found him. god bless those poor kids. i have known them all since high school, and i love them like family. they looked haunted. i suppose you might say they are haunted. the rest of that day is a blurr to me, mostly tears and hugs, followed by tourtured sleep.  the next morning we had to go back to the city, so we could get some money. jesse’s parents were going to lend us some money to get my brother aaron home on a plane from the army. and obviously we needed to get straight. i am not proud of that fact, but it’s the truth. this is junkylife, afterall. and i would be no good to my family sick.  we made the drive back before 9 in the morning, and we were parked out in front of his parents house, we were supposed to meet a kid a couple towns over in 20 minutes, and then we’d be on our way back to my mom’s.  jesse was on the porch w/ his mom. it was taking longer than i thought it should have. i started to get a bad feeling….something was up. someone kept looking out on the driveway from inside, and then i saw his dad. and the police. we had been set up.i rolled down the window, my heart pounding, instantly covered in sweat and hyperventalating. “kaia, stay in the car.” jesse’s father said firmly. yeah okay. i jumped out and ran over. “what the fuck is this?” the cops grabbed jesse’s arms and started to cuff him “jesse you are being taken in on a section 35 for 30 days mental health evaluation. you are considered a danger to yourself and to others. do you understand this.”  “no i don’t fucking understand. are you kidding me? let go of me.” he was pulling away. “don’t make this hard, kid. stop resisting.” it took two cops and his father to get him cuffed. by this time my mind was racing. i need to get to my mom. i have a warrent. i have court today. what the fuck what the fuck. this cannot be happening. what the fuck is happening. this isnt real.” i wasn’t thinking. i started running down the street.“baby come back. what are you doing? its okay. come back.” jesse was yelling from the front yard, surrounded by family and police. i just kept running. in my mind i was going to run all the way back to my mom’s house, 50 miles from this place. after about ten minutes of walking, rational thinking returned. jesse’s parents had just had him committed for psych eval because he’s an addict. i am in a town i don’t know, with no way to the train, at 830 in the morning.  it is snowing. i am in my pajamas. i have a purse full of needles, and i am dopesick. tears. lots and lots of tears. i wanted to call my mom, but i couldn’t bear to put anymore shit on her. i called her and told her i’d be late coming back, and i’d be alone. id explain later. she was worried instantly. i just can’t win.  i walked for about ten more minutes…..and then jesse’s parents caught up to me in their lexus. “get in the car, kaia. do you want to say goodbye to him?” i got in the car. they drove me down to the courthouse.  jesse was standing outside. now, i have spent my life watching people i love be taken away in handcuffs. it never gets any easier. i gave him a kiss. “be strong, baby, we will get through this.” he said. i could see how sick he was already, but he only worried about me. “i’m sorry about this, you will be okay, my mom will take care of you.” and they took him away. more tears. more tears than i knew i could produce.  jesse’s parents drove me back to their house, trying to explain why they did what they did. “we are sorry this had to coincide with your loss, but we had to do something. he’s sick, he could die.” “okay” i was not hearing a word they said. “we have been living this for two years.” she said. “i’ve been living this since birth.” i had no sympathy for them at the moment. i just didn’t care what they had to say. they had taken away my only support, my only strength at a time i felt most vunerable. i didn’t even bother telling them we were already going to detox, they never would’ve believed me. the junky girlfriend. they dropped me off. “here are the keys to the xtera. you may keep it until afte the funeral. here is 200 dollars. it should help you with whatever you need right now.” i know what i need right now. and i was gone. i took their money and got high. yes. i did. i don’t care. i got what i needed and went back home. it was snowing to beat the band. i am lucky i didn’t die….hysterical crying…..high….driving in the snow. i got back to my mother’s, and cuddled up next to her on the bed. i told her what happened. “drugs again, kaia?” she started to cry. “why?” “i don’t know why mom. it wasn’t my intention.” now i was crying again. we sat there for a while, holding each other, weeping. “what do you think john would want you to do?” she whispered, kissed my forehead. “mom, i can’t miss the funeral.” i protested like a little kid. she just looked at me. “what do you think john would want you to do?” she repeated.  i was on the phone to detox, and i was admitted hours later. she was right, after all john and i had been through together, he would want me in detox before anything else. all we ever wanted was to see each other do good. and i owe it to him to get better. so i did my five days. that is a story for another day. my ex-in-recovery, josh (from last summer) picked me up and brought me back home. it has been the darkest time in my life, and i don’t have the support to keep from getting high. i’m weak. detox was what i needed. i was out of options, out of money, my soul has been worn so thin i can’t even feel it anymore. but can i stay clean? lets be honest.

and just to keep it interesting, i had a meeting with my roomates, and they want me to move out. of course. they think jesse’s been stealing dvd’s from them. i honestly don’t know, but i’d believe him before them. we have been in conflict since i moved it. i was looking for a way out of the lease for months. problem solved. ha.

but for today, i’m gonna deal with it all and not get high. tomorrow, i’m not making any promises.

i was 19, what did i know about anthing?

CHOICE

i lost you

in a sea of blood

i lost you

i sold you

sold my soul

i lost you

tearing my insides out

sucking out my feeling

i gave it up

gave up on me

before it was real

i gave it away

i lost you

in a plastic bag

i lost you

in a distant haze

it hurt me

to hurt you

to lose you

to choose

i gave it up

numb and scared

i gave up on us

weak and confused

a silent time

a secret of mine

i gave it all away

my pain

my fear

this shame

is all that’s real

i lost you

and on this sunny day

tylenol won’t dull this pain

i made my choice

this fate is sealed

i found my maker

in worcester

and made a deal

my life i chose

and gave yours instead

on the outside

i’m still here

but where it matters

we’re both dead.

june 2001

i wrote this in october, geeked out of my mind on speed. i don’t know why i never published it, but it’s a unique snapshot of my mindset in the midst of the decent.