Hacker

I began this post quite awhile back but, like most everything else in my life these days, it got put on the back burner and left to it’s own devices. Now that September has rolled around and my third year of unemployment with it, I find myself just that much more lost…my compass spinning wildly…my direction a complete unknown. At any rate I wanted to put this out there so that the few people who used to read my shit and occasionally respond to it, will know I’m still alive.

It appears as though most of the JL folks have become so good at the art of living that they no longer have time to post…self included, at least for writing…and I for one miss the interaction that once was so prominant on this site. Seedless manages to write fairly regularly, along with a few others who post once or twice a month but nothing like it was a year ago. I miss you guys. For myself, I, too have fallen victim to normalicy, whatever that is. I haven’t gone back to work and come September I will have been unemployed for three years. I’ve never been without a job for that long at least since I was able to work. I’ve always done something since I was about nine years old to put some coin in my pocket, from selling do-nuts for Southern Maid on the weekends, to mowing grass, to collecting scrap iron to throwing papers, I did something until I was old enough to get on someone’s payroll and become a taxpayer in the free market. It’s something that was drilled into me from as long as I can remember. My dad had to quit school when he was sixteen after his father become too ill to take care of the farm nor do the blacksmithing that brought in the extra money the family needed. My father being the oldest male, took on the responsibility of being the bread winner without being asked or told…it was just expected so he did it and he didn’t complain about it. As his younger siblings became older and the threat of a world war became more real, dad chose to join the service prior to Pearl Harbor. His mother rented out their farm to her brother and she, my grandfather and the two youngest kids left at home moved to town and my dad ended up in the Alleusian Islands and later, Italy for the duration of his army career. Once stateside he went back to work for the oil company he had been employed by shortly before going into the service. They were kind enough to hold his job for him for the five years he was in the army. Back then there was loyalty between the employer and the employee and he repaid their loyalty to him with forty one years of service in which he only missed three days due to illness…three days in forty one years! Unheard of today. But I learned from my dad’s way of thinking and his approach to his job. “Eight hours work for eight hours pay, son!” was his way of telling me to earn my pay and show my boss that I appreciate his belief in me. The workplace just isn’t like that anymore. There arn’t any long term blue collar jobs out there anymore. With the world economy changing at light speed pace, you have to roll with the punches or get knocked out. Consequently, one has to be educated to get that job that opens the door for future employment and then you have to continue to keep yourself educated in order to be a viable candidate for that next job. Analysts tend to believe that the turn over in the job market will be constant and one should be prepared to have 15 to 20 jobs over the course of one’s worklife. So much for getting that gold watch at your retirement dinner with the inscription, “Thanks for 30 years of loyal service to………you fill in the blank”. What’s even more frightening to an aging baby boomer such as myself is watching the incredible growth of the People’s Republic of China and India. In a matter of a few years, India will become the most populous nation in the world, displacing China for that title. And speaking of education, both of the afore mentioned countries had well over 5 million college students that graduated with degrees at the end of the school year. Most of these degrees are science or mathematics related. The U.S. had a little over one million graduates for the same period and I’d be willing to bet the percentage of degrees in mathematics or science was a far cry less than those of the Chinese and Indians. The number of jobs being displaced in the U.S. only to be relocated in one or both of these countries is staggering. I don’t know if you’ve called for tech support on your computer or it’s software lately but the person answering the phone sure ain’t located in Kalamazoo, Michigan! More likely in New Dehli or Shri Lanka or someother city in or around India. And manufacturing…forget about it. Five years ago it was not uncommon to see “Hecho de Mexico” on the box of the car part, power tools, appliance or whatever you purchased. Now, more likely as not you will find that’s no longer the case. Though they still have their share of manufactered materials coming across the border due to NAFTA, the biggest leap in the market share has been taken by India and China. What are “our” elected representatives in Washington doing about the inequity of this situation? Whatever the international corporates that got them elected tell them to do. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not bitter nor angry because I, along with millions of other blue collar workers in this country got addicted to the comfortable lives we had with our well paying, benefit laden jobs and forget to remain vigilent to the fact that corporates believe in one thing and one thing only…the bottom line. They are responsible to one entity…their shareholders so when cuts must be made so profits can remain high enough for the stockholders to remain fat and happy, it comes from the bottom up and goes no farther up than mid-management because mid-managers were once run of the mill workers who were promoted. Some because they genuinely deserved it, others, to get them away from positions of influence over other workers, i.e., union reps, relief foreman, highly respected by their peers, or finally, to meet quotas dictated by federal guidelines, i.e., Affirmative Action. Because of salaries that allowed workers to have better lives than the generation before them, the middle class thrived in this country, which I would think is what a true capitalist would want…consumers with extra dollars in their pockets…but obviously my thinking was niave. With the ’80’s came the hollywood schmooze of Reagan and working class folks, males mainly, began buying into the republican platform ol’ Ronnie was preaching. Of course, it didn’t hurt that union leaders like Hoffa, with his millions of Teamsters, were telling the rank and file to get on the wagon and ride with a winner. In my humble opinion, that’s was the beginning of the decline of unions, the manufacturing industry in the U.S. and along with it jobs that made it possible for families to have mom stay home, if she so desired, and a single breadwinner provide enough for them to live fairly comfortably. So much for the “family values” plank in the repubs platform. I was able to buy a home, have two cars and keep shoes on my kids feet all through school because of a job that paid a decent salary while my wife was a stay at home mom. She chose to be that until our kids were in middle and high school when she went back to work as a teachers aide for kids with special needs. The type of job I had, have been slowly moved to countries like India and China, simply because of huge government inticements, like tax breaks, paying for the cost of the relocation, much less government restrictions on doing business (especially the high cost of meeting environmental regs in the U.S.!), CHEAP labor and limited union interference. I used to laugh at those John Birch Society folk and their “tril-lateral commission” conspiracy theories but you know, sometimes truth comes from the strangest places. We’re fast becoming a two tiered society in our country…the have’s and the have nots…and I really wonder if people are going to wake up before it’s too late. We’re a bunch of lazy assed whores for the most part. Give us our house, two cars, cable TV and big screened sets to go with it and we’re pretty much ready to spread our legs. When I think of the cost our forefathers paid to get labor unions, 40 hour work weeks, overtime pay, decent hourly wage, benefits that included health care and retirement by putting it all on the line, the picket line from the steel workers in Homestead, Pa. to the coal miners in Appalachia to the fruit pickers all through the Southwest it makes me ashamed of myself, to be a part of the mechanism that allowed greed and power to take away our basic right to have a decent life in this country. But then I was too busy shooting dope or numbing myself in other ways so I wouldn’t have to deal with life and all that goes with it. Shame on me!

At the beginning of April, our community received news that a former resident and graduate of the local high school had lost his life in Iraq from wounds he received from an exploded IED that destroyed the HUMMER he and three other soldiers were in. I don’t support this war. I haven’t from the beginning because it, like the Viet Nam War, was begun on lies and deception by the President of the United States. There never was any real reason for us to invade Iraq, they were in no way involved with the attack on our country 9/11 brought and had we went into Afghanistan with the same type of comittment we have in Iraq, Bin Laden and Al Qida would probably be no more. Although I do not support this war, I do support the troops and I tend to get a little riled up when some asshole wants to do anything that brings dishonor to these soldiers and their loved ones. Our city leaders asked the community to line up on the main street of our city in a show of respect for this fallen warrior as his funeral prosession past on it’s way to the memorial service being held at his families place of worship. We then learned by way of an e-mail that was circulated a few days prior to the memorial that a right wing fundamentalist Christian group called Westboro Church of Topeka, KS had planned to disrupt this service by waving signs and yelling disrespectful garbage because these fanatics believe that the soldiers being killed in Iraq, the war itself, even the shootings at Virginia Tech are a direct sign from God of his displeasure with the U.S. for it’s policy towards homosexuals. Of all the unmitigated shit I have heard spouted from the mouths of these so called Christians, this one takes the cake! Luckily, a group of primarily ex-servicemen and women have formed a motorcycle club, named the Patriot Gaurd Riders, that in addition to the charity fund raisers and other service work in the community they were originally founded for, have now taken on the added duty of escorting funeral processions of soldiers who died in Iraq in order to keep these assholes from Kansas from marring these services of honor and respect. My cousin who served in the Army for 30 years tells me that one of the chapters in Oklahoma has had a number of physical run ins with the Westboro group putting a good ol’fashioned ass whoopin’ on them for their effort.

For the life of me, I will never understand how these self described followers of Jesus Christ, if they truly believe in His teachings of love and forgiveness, can pull these type of ignorant stunts over and over again, always in His name. To have the audacity to hold up a sign that reads, “God Hates Fags!” does nothing to disprove my contention that there’s not any difference between the Islamic fanatics and the Christian fundamentalist fanatics. I’m in no way trying to portray myself as some kind of New Testament theologian. Truth is I am a recovering pre-Vatican II Catholic and those of you that are also baptised Catholics or are familiar with the religion know that bible study is not the forte of the church. They tend to put more into the traditions of the faith but be that as it may be, I still seem to remember a passage in the New Testament that goes, and I’m paraphrasing mind you, “Hate the sin but love the sinner”. Since this Christian sect leans more to the Protestant side of Christianity and believing in the literal word of the bible is a major platform of their beliefs, what part of that passage do you not understand? Even the person with the most limited knowledge of the bible has heard the story of Christ, in an attempt by the Jewish elders to trip Him up, was asked which of the commandments is the most important to which he replied, “Love God above all and love the neighbor as they self”. I guess someone in the Westboro Church must have missed that one or just flat ripped it out of the bible because it didn’t fit into their version of Christianity.

The authors of the Constitution were adament about keeping a clear and defined separation of Church and State but to hear Jerry Falwell and those “preachers” like him are constantly telling their parrishoners who to vote for. These candidates tend to be against freedom of choice on the abortion issue, against gay marriage and civil rights in general for homosexuals and the return of prayer into public schools. On the latter issue, what they really want is for public schools to have religious training as part of the curriculium, which is what we see happening in countries where Islamic fundamentalist have control of the government. Now if they do it, dear God, they’re training the next generation of terrorists but if done in America, it’s what the founding father’s intended all along.

More wars have been fought in the name of God than for any other reason throughout the history of the world. More death and mayham have been justified by saying it’s God’s will than for any other reason that I can find. And yet, if you look at the basic beliefs of the major religions of the world all teach the importance of love and forgiveness. The belief in God is not a bad thing…..until religion enters the picture.

So the hammer finally fell on Imus. After originally being given a two week suspension by both MSNBC and CBS radio, the furor whipped up by Sharpton and Jackson along with the frenzy the media caused, what we all knew would be the determing factor for if Imus was to go or stay….the advertising dollars. Supposedly, his program brings in $15 million each year in advertising revenue and once American Express, GM and many others began pulling those dollars, well…thanks for all the money you’ve made us but don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!

Now what Imus blurted out nine days ago was no doubt dispicible, sexist and probably racist but before we put Imus up on the cross maybe we should take a look at some of those who have sat in judgment of him. The Rev. Jesse Jackson didn’t pay too high a price for his “Hymie Town” remarks back in the ’90’s. The anti-semetic label didn’t quite take hold. Think the media not roasting his feet over the fire like they did Imus had something to do with that? And good ol’ Rev. Al Sharpton…always available to be the protector of the downtrodden…if they’re black that is…he had the audacity to call the Central Park jogger who was repeatedly raped and severely beaten by a group of predominately black thugs doing their “wilding thing” a whore. This woman suffers permanant physical and physcological damage from these attacks. Does anyone remember Sharpton saying she was just some whore and more or less got what she deserved? I guess if you don’t drop the “w,r and e” the word is ok to describe the victim, huh? He has yet to apologize for this racist and sexist remark. The Duke incident was jumped on by both of this hypocrites, calling them guilty and suggesting hanging the three of them without an investigation or a trial. Finally, does anyone have any idea how many gangsta rap records have “ho”, “nappy headed” or both in their titles? Do a google on it and it will amaze you. I’ll give you a hint…it’s in the hundreds.

What good will come of all this?? Being the cynic I am, I doubt very little. At least Imus and the young women who were originally the butt of this joke met without the glare of the media cameras and possibly got a clearer understanding of each others real thoughts and feelings. Meanwhile, the PC police will keep the rest of us in line and protect the world from such another incident.

Most mornings on my way to be medicated at the clinic, I listen to talk radio and 99% of the time it’s the Mike & Mike Show on ESPN radio. Their lead story was Imus, one of the two most famous “shock jocks” heard on radio, is synicated across the U.S. and has the radio program similcast on MSNBC each morning since ‘96. Now unless you’re brain dead or make a conscience effort to eliminate all news from your life, you’ve heard Imus’s now famous, “Nappy headed Ho’s….” remark while talking about the Rutger’s women’s basketball programs making it to the finals of the NCAA Womens Tournament. It was an incredible run on their part having eliminated several top notch women’s programs from perennial women’s basketball programs across the country. They accomplished this the old school way, team play, heart and skill by a group of student athletes. Rutgers wasn’t blessed with a 7-foot female version of Kareem Abdul Jabbar, who will go on to make multi millions playing professionally and by being the spokesperson for some multiinternational corporation selling shoes, makeup, fast-food, soft drinks, beer, etc. No, they’ll graduate, go on to medical or law school or go to work in some other chosen profession and no doubt be the role model for what we all would wish for our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. Instead of being able to relish this moment in their lives, taking those memories with them for a lifetime, they had this high point of excellance stolen from them by a loud mouthed shock jock who thought it would be funny to pop off, parrotting a racist, sexist remark that has been said by by many gangsta rap artist, artist being the media’s word to describe these individuals, not mine! These remarks were made on his morning show that has been running at this same time slot since ‘79 last Wednesday, 4-4-07 and yet it took a story done by a blogger to make the mainstream media perk up and go for blood which in turn brought in Sharpton and Jackson so they, too, could feed on Imus’s carcus. Imus drew a two week suspension from NBC the parent corportation who signs his paycheck and now a few big named corporate sponsers have pulled their advertising from his show. He appeared on Sharpton’s radio talk show Tuesday and was made to grovel by Rev. Al to the point where you almost felt sorry for him until you slap yourself back to reality and remember it’s usually Imus who has control of the microphone and is frying some poor bastard’s ass on a national format! Of course he apologized over and over again, and tried to explain away this current attack on someone by saying he was “….a good person who said a bad thing….” and he does do an awful lot of good with his ill gotten gains. The showpiece would be the Imus Ranch which was first started by his wife and himself for children afflicted with cancer and and now includes SIDS. That’s all well and good but why make such a stupid, ill-conceived statement like he did with this one. To put it simply, because that’s his job. He’s being doing this kind of schtick since he first started but at least in the beginning he chose to attack the rich and powerful who had a voice to comeback at him and it all seemed kinda fair but to pop off like he did against these wonderful women….well, where do you draw the line. Should he be fired like Sharpton, Jackson, Robert Smith and many other influential black men have called for? I’m gonna vote NO even though I could give a rat’s ass what happens to him. I mean I choose to show my abhorance to this type of behavior the same way I have done since the day I finally had heard enough of this kind of ilk coming from his mouth and that’s by NOT listening to his program and not buying his books. Sharpton and that bunch are calling for his sponsers to drop their advertising time with MSNBC and the radio station that he broadcasts from. I’m also against this because it effects more people than the guilty party. Imus is no saint and we all know that. Hell, the man is one of us, an addict, having had his bouts with booze and cola, so we all know what it’s like to fuck up, maybe not on such a national stage. But the key here is, and has been from the beginning, just what did everyone expect from the man who has made his living all these years by calling these fuck ups comedy!! No doubt he stepped over the line this time and this will definitely be the test case for, “What goes around, comes around!!”.

Hello all….have not posted since August 13th, 2006, the day my father passed away although I have commented on a few peeps posts.  Now I find myself banished to the archive dungeon.  Hopefully I can rectify that situation and move on.

What started this revival was a recent post by JunkYard Saint, where he bared his soul to us about the depression he was suffering through.  Man do I know that feeling!!  I have struggled with it for the past four to five years with no let up.  I can’t seem to maintain any kind of equalibrium in my daily existance.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that I can’t seem to get off of so I continue to ride the ups and downs and for the longest it’s been more down than up. 

People who don’t struggle with addiction have no concept of what being an addict is like.  They sincerely believe that we chose this lifestyle and if we really wanted to quit, we could and we would.  Right!  I love my life as a junky.  No self-esteem, no confidence, no motivation, a failure as a son, a husband, a father, as a human being.  The self loathing and contempt I feel for myself is totally encompassing.  This lie I’m living brings nothing but pain to everyone around me and yet, even though I claim my family is everything to me, obviously they arn’t.  That’s difficult for me to admit but it must be true.  Why else would I continue to do as I do, knowing full well what it brings to those I claim mean the world to me?  It’s obvious that they no longer have any respect for me and why should they.  I mean, when I think of my father and the reasons why I held and continue to hold him in such high esteem,  I don’t have those character traits that made him such a wonderful father and friend.  Patience, kindness, understanding, moral strength, commitment to the family.  These are just not part of me anymore.  Worst of all, I’ve let my wife down so badly in that, by losing a job that I was within five years of retiring from with a decent pension to go with a 401k fund I had contributed to for twenty years, my SSI of course, and most importantly, full medical until Medicare kicked in and then it would become a supplementry policy.  I’m in my mid-fifties not my thirties as I was the last time I had to completely start over so finding a job that has anywhere near what I lost is close to impossible and even if I were lucky enough to go back into the plants and make the kind of money I was making, I doubt I’m physically able to do the work anymore.  As it stands now, I’m a diabetic with hypertension, and my prescriptions along with test strips for my glucometer as well as the lancets and syringes needed run about $250.00 a month.  My clinic fee is another $240.00.  My wife has a thyroid condition requiring  medication as well as high blood pressure.  She hasn’t had a mammagram in about three years and breast cancer is prevelent in her family.  The guilt I carry for basically just giving my job away because I kept using even though I was on probation and knew full well that, if caught, the job was gone is incredible.  The selfishness I exhibited by putting our future in jeopordy at my age, after she had stuck with me through the all the years and all the times I went back to using, is plain and simple, unforgiveable.  I wonder if she ever can.

This is my fourth day of not using heroin.  I’m still on MMT and my dose is probably too high as I find myself nodding out if I sit down for too long without doing something to keep my mind active but better this than the alternative.  I can’t believe that this run has lasted over five years.  The time just flew by and is gone forever.  Wasted, nothing to show for it, nothing gained from it and somehow I’ve got to get off this up and down existance before my time runs out.  I shiver at the thought of dying like this, without leaving a positive image for my kids and grandkids to remember and be proud of.  Hell, I want to be proud of myself again.  Hopefully this time…….