History of Madness

just been busy with work and moving into a new house finally… still broke but no longer having to depend on other people for shelter is a good thing…

I am no longer a junky because I am tired of running - from my consequences, from my debts, from people that hate me just so they can not love me; from people I’ve hurt, burned, conned, lied to, stolen from, wounded, scared, or just put at risk.

A junky eventually has to run from everyone, withdrawn into seclusion, ducking into shadows and avoiding mirrors. Then self-loathing sets in when there’s nothing else left to use. The internal turmoil is overbearing, to the point of bringing actual physical pain. It aches.

I am tired of being sober. I am used to being able to manage my moods with chemicals. Especially when I get busy like I am at work, I crave relief. I crave energy. I crave confidence.

I am trying to learn new ways to manage and relieve stress. I am going to join a gym this weekend with the few extra dollars I have. My bills for this summer - legal, medical, and rehab - are outrageous.

Never let anyone get you in a state of early-sobriety desperation and then start making decisions for you.

Well I’ve just been through a world of SPAM and deleted - get this - over 4000 (that’s thousand) comments… and approved a whopping 4 that weren’t.

I have missed you guys and this place. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do around here so you guys know what’s been happening.

Right now I’m in Ala-fuckin-bama (I miss Austin) working and thinking about getting back in school. I’m clean but my mind is gone.

My body appears, on the outside, to have survived a major catastrophe (heavy long-term drug and alcohol use) unscathed. But just below the surface, critical organs, like my heart, pancreas, lungs, etc, are trying to heal.

My blog is a SPAM haven right now. I am trying to get a key code so I can turn my comment screen back on… in the meantime I have over 4000 comments, and 99% of them are SPAM…

I am cleaning that up but it will take time. In the meantime, if you comment, it may be lost in the pile for a few days.

Anyway I’m working on that and a few other internal blogger things so this is a boring post.

If you don’t like it go read somewhere else…

Hey folks, its been a while… lots of changes. I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll just say this:

 I’m clean.

 Yeah its weird. And I have slipped up a couple of times. One or two BIG slips. But for 10 of the past 12 months I’ve been clean (and the 2 months off are scattered throughout).

Now, let me be clear: when I say clean, I mean fucking clean.

No booze. No weed. No pills. No pain relief. No mental breaks. No ‘tea’ no kratom no fucking poppy seeds no fucking nothing.

really, i have no clue. i’m totally lost. waxed. poetic. yes, that lost.

don’t even remember what i wrote yesterday, but i wasn’t fucked up, i was fucking lost. in my mind. wandering but not found.

anyway i my sleep, which was treating me well, has once again come off its hinges. fuck it.

my mind as well has once again come off its hinges. fuck it too.

i’m sure there’s more. there’s always more. but not today.

I’m changing themes… I’ve found myself stretched so thin lately its fucking killing my peace of mind. I’ve been telling my doc for almost a year that I need something, anything, for anxiety. Yes valium or something would be nice, but I don’t care if it has a “pam” on the end of it or not, I need to control this fucking bullshit.

OK, enough about me… oh wait who am I fooling, this is a blog. It’s all about me. Actually I think this would be interesting if it weren’t so much about me. Maybe I could catch up with my life, and/but work some other shit in so it’s more interesting. Like Mary (formerly here, now over at the most inactive web community I’ve ever seen, except her blog, heroindiatribes (OK that was mean))

Well the past few days have been wild… seems like all that could go wrong are.. nothing life-threatening, just trying to do something things with some friends and time and tide seem bent against.

The woman problems are back. I don’t know what else to say. I’m being scrutinized because (a) I fucked up kind of, recently but not really a fuck up as much as just a weird almost fuck up or something, (b) I’ve been “acting weird lately” and (c) I used to be a junky so all this must add up to something.

I have been unable to get into my blog until today. I have no idea what the problem was, but I tried everything. Until today. And with no explanation, and as if nothing had been going wrong, I was suddenly able to get in again.

To anyone with comments that didn’t get moderated, my apologies! I’m doing them now.

And to the spammers: fuck off. You’re wasting your time and mine. I have a screen set up and spam comments will be deleted.

Anyway I’ve got to post what’s been going on lately. Can’t wait. Glad to be back. Incoming shortly.

You again? I thought I told you to go vote.

Yeah you go vote whatcha doing just sitting here? Go fucking vote.

dammit I think I lost one… anyway, skipping work with the funkity-funk funk so man its never felt so good to feel so bad… been so long since I’ve had a shit job I almost forgot how nice it is to just fuck off for a day… don’t get me wrong, its a good company, but the pay’s for shit compared to my last contract(s) and previous full-time employer.

Well, started my new contract, job, whatever the fuck it is… its really cool… good people, decent work - don’t get me wrong, I’m overworked and underpaid just like the rest of us, but hey, if you’ve gotta be miserable, you may as well enjoy it.

hey just wanted to drop a line and say (1) having trouble signing into the blog, but finally found the problem, so back in action; (2) wish I had more time, but I’ve been extremely busy with a really cool new job (YEAH!); and (3) man things are looking up, touch and go and all that, etc etc the world is a very busy place for me these days…

that’s all i got for now

bye.