History of Madness

I have been unable to get into my blog until today. I have no idea what the problem was, but I tried everything. Until today. And with no explanation, and as if nothing had been going wrong, I was suddenly able to get in again.

To anyone with comments that didn’t get moderated, my apologies! I’m doing them now.

And to the spammers: fuck off. You’re wasting your time and mine. I have a screen set up and spam comments will be deleted.

Anyway I’ve got to post what’s been going on lately. Can’t wait. Glad to be back. Incoming shortly.

You again? I thought I told you to go vote.

Yeah you go vote whatcha doing just sitting here? Go fucking vote.

dammit I think I lost one… anyway, skipping work with the funkity-funk funk so man its never felt so good to feel so bad… been so long since I’ve had a shit job I almost forgot how nice it is to just fuck off for a day… don’t get me wrong, its a good company, but the pay’s for shit compared to my last contract(s) and previous full-time employer.

Well, started my new contract, job, whatever the fuck it is… its really cool… good people, decent work - don’t get me wrong, I’m overworked and underpaid just like the rest of us, but hey, if you’ve gotta be miserable, you may as well enjoy it.

hey just wanted to drop a line and say (1) having trouble signing into the blog, but finally found the problem, so back in action; (2) wish I had more time, but I’ve been extremely busy with a really cool new job (YEAH!); and (3) man things are looking up, touch and go and all that, etc etc the world is a very busy place for me these days…

that’s all i got for now

bye.

well, here i am, in all my glory, job interview today et al… been working some here and there, writing writing writing, but not here obviously (not anywhere but my room, really)…

so let’s see… a little of this, a little of that, maybe a little WD on the side. not much has changed, but then again, everything has.

let’s just put it this way: at least I care, now, and feel good most days. insomnia? for the most part gone. depression? for the most part gone. anxiety? yeah, that one’s still an issue, but hey, like a dinner dish once said, two outta three ain’t bad.

fucked up again, just today, but t’was a doozie! oh, well, can’t let it get to me. i’m picking myself up by the straps (don’t ask) and getting back to living.

thanks for listening. this place is better than NA because its all about ME!! haha but its true in a very sad way. i’m temporarily embarassed, you know, how you are when someone does something really stupid right next to you, and it makes your cheeks flush?

but its me, so its kinda meta-post-irony sort of shame. that’s the secret for all you newbie junkies, you gotta keep yourself completely separated from the junk mindset to accept the absurdity and irrationality of it all.

something from before now, probably 10 years ago but I can’t say for sure:

The blood in my head was roaring like a crowd, spinning like the top note in a lullabye. Ringing startles me into reality. Ringing and rhythm. My head rings to the beat of my sputtering heart. Then another sound bleeds through with light the light draining from my purple curtain.

Phone.

God damned phone.

Scream away, I refuse to open that door right now. No more peace of the senses. Reality strikes me as a beer-bellied bone-digger, mouth of a brewery, reacting like a smoke machine to outside trauma.

Apparently a rhyme that is supposed to introduce tykes to time… I must have been out that day. I am losing time.

Time is a phenomenon that eludes me; people close to me DEMAND that I take notice of its power and authority; people rush by me under its spell; the TV, radio, my computer, my face… my whole fucking LIFE is drawn unintentionally into its hands to never escape.

Or so it seems. But sitting here, looking into the abyss through my mind’s eye, my crown shakra, and that motherfucker stares right back at me. I lose myself, I lose my life, I lose my ‘who I am’ my ego my drive my relgion my spirit and my fucking time… I lose time.

In an earlier post I said I was disappointed in israel’s reaction to the hezbollah / hamas capturing the soldiers… just to clarify, that was prior to the full-scale war that is pretty much ongoing right now. . . I am no longer disappointed in either side, but I do think its ridiculous to try to point out whose fault this action is…

Moving on, the PC police is stepping up the patrolling, well, everywhere after the mel gibson fiasco. Personally I don’t care how he feels about anyone, gentile jew or muslim… his drunken remarks in my opinion are his right, and its good for him to have these types of beliefs challenged from time to time.

Last night I worked a long time on a poetic sort of story, finished it, and saved along the way. Towards the end I got on a roll, you know how it is, and I didn’t save the last say 300 words (a lot) and then went to save it and something was wrong with the site… and its gone.

The irony is that based on my post (the lost one) I’m learning to be more patient and accepting of this thing called life, I guess, so I can’t bitch about it.

Yes, I’ve been bad lately. But not too bad, just bad. But things are still going well, and for the moment I am successfully chipping… or I should say that I built a stash that I am working my way through. I have decided to put a party kit together and make it last… but it won’t be quite enough to put me over the edge of getting sick if i don’t score…

We’ll see… I’m already seeing the danger… I need this contract or actually one of these 3 contracts to come around soon, I’m getting bored, even with my hobbies, and that’s never good for a junky.

Yeah, it was a pretty good one. All things are moving forward nicely. I even found a motorcycle I’m going to buy this weekend… I’m selling my work truck. And then I’ll be saving up for a new car (or truck, but probably car).

In other news, I have a lot going on again. I have several things I’d like to get involved with, or done, whichever the case may be. But for now, I’m just glad I’ve got my interest in life back. Its been a few months, but it wasn’t that long ago I didn’t give one singe fuck about anything really. I’m back.

Mary asked me this question and I also wanted to put this info out for any artists or photographers in the community: The pic I want for my header is a moon shining somewhere, with a row of mountains in the background and in the foreground is a lonely road with power lines sagging between power poles… kind of black, white, grey, power lines, moon, mountains, a lonely road… you get the idea.

Anyone who has this type of thing, or some type of artists rendering or similar / variant … you get it.