Fuck this shit
I’m changing themes… I’ve found myself stretched so thin lately its fucking killing my peace of mind. I’ve been telling my doc for almost a year that I need something, anything, for anxiety. Yes valium or something would be nice, but I don’t care if it has a “pam” on the end of it or not, I need to control this fucking bullshit.
OK, enough about me… oh wait who am I fooling, this is a blog. It’s all about me. Actually I think this would be interesting if it weren’t so much about me. Maybe I could catch up with my life, and/but work some other shit in so it’s more interesting. Like Mary (formerly here, now over at the most inactive web community I’ve ever seen, except her blog, heroindiatribes (OK that was mean))
Mary, come back over here, please. I don’t know how bi11i or anyone else would feel about me saying that, but you have an awesome site. You have developed a most wonderful style.
So weather here has been great (has it come to this already?) no really it’s pushing springtime so that’s definitely worthy of discussion. I have a nice little garden I putting together, with some yummy veggies (home grown tomatoes fucking aye!) and some medicinal herbs (no mary jane, oh well) some of which will make you feel better.
That’s about as incriminating as it gets - I’m growing aloe vera, that’s of course what i was talking about.
Ok, so being a junky IS ups and downs. I am starting to see as I get older, own to my lifestyle, acknowledge it, and unprogram from / steer clear of all the archaic bullshit ‘medical’ theories that exist today.
I’ve fucking had enough of ‘your problem is a spiritual one, just turn your life over to ABBA or L. Ron Hubbard or my fucking ass and you’re own your way. Then, you need to write a shame list, call and admit your shame to people who have abandoned you while you were sick, and cry and cry because its emotion and spiritual”
FUCK YOU!
If you think my medical condition is some sort of sign of weakness, or of spiritual inferiority, you are sadly mistaken. I am all the things you hate about yourself, with two exceptions:
1. My crutch is illegal*
2. I am not you.
You put these two things in a shaker, pour them into a cup with gin, and throw in an olive and you’ve got a Denial Scapegoatini.
Society’s medical establishment calls folks like me “addicts,” and describes our situation as the results of our disease, and then uses our symptoms to describe that disease. Then they round it out by making behavior the main focus, not just of how we got sick (and how bad we should feel about it) but how we get better.
This ‘disease model’ of addiction, I think is bogus, ridiculous, bad science, and complete horse shit.
*I believe the primary reason for the so-called spiral to ‘rock bottom’ (i fucking hate those terms) is in a big way completely directly related to the legal status of the substance. I’m not advocating legalization (that’s another topic) I’m just making a point.
And that point is simple: all creatures of life build tolerance. That’s why some treatments that did work stop working, and that’s also why some viruses become immune to a treatment. It’s at the heart of life - adaptability.
This gets us to the black-market issue. Everything on the black market is way overpriced and uncontrolled. So as the habit goes up, the cost goes WAY up. Soon the person is being pushed against the wall daily trying to make decisions about what money should go where.
Some people with bad habits can spend their way out all of their possessions, and just end up straight on the street. Others may not get that far, but they are missing out on something, or they don’t get to enjoy the pleasures of having that money they spend.
Some just lose their families due to the inexplicable NEED for the substance, usually coupled with the results of spending money when it was needed for something else.
Now as the person progresses into a more expensive habit and the behavior associated with getting money, AND coping with the shame placed firmly on his shoulders, things can get from bad to worse, and speed up the spiral.
Now here’s a good time to make sure I say that I’m not blaming the use on anyone in society or society at large. I’m just saying the stigma will have to be corrected before much progress can be made, and a medical breakthrough will have to manifest before people will see things differently.
The ultimate Catch 22.
So finally here’s what I do believe: Everyone has some sort of dependency, crutch, whatever you wanna call it. Of course, some are safer, cheaper, and actually healthy. And everyone that has depression or some other mental condition that science barely knows anything about, and quite frankly is doing a sorry job of treating, seem to cling on to their crutches a little more.
I do believe there is a small percentage of people who feel pretty abnormal most of the time. Disease-model therapists say “you’ve gotta become more aware of yourself, and be more ok with yourself, so you’ll be comfortable in your own skin.” But I think its more than something in the mind.
I for example not only always feel out of place, different, awkward, whatever, but I often feel bad, just sick, like something’s wrong, and meds don’t help, but opiates for example do.
To clarify, I think its crazy to say opiates are the cure, or that I should be allowed to take them because they make me feel better. Nor do I think they should be totally legalized and then we’d all be ok.
That’s shortsightedness. I believe the fact that opiates making me feel more normal is no more than a very important point for biochemists to take in mind. We need to get past “admit defeat, accept god and N/A, stop thinking, make the shame list, and cry, and then go preach the gospel of the 12 steps.”
Getting past that would open some doors and minds, and hopefully begin a search for the real solution, starting with the fact that ‘addicts’ aren’t spiritually defective, morally inferior, or otherwise in need of any kind of lectures.
When’s the last time YOU went to the doctor and he said “oh, yeah, I’ve seen this. You need to admit you are powerless and turn to god. Then you need to go to this group, pick out a mentor, and let him lead you down the path of indoctrination…”
It’s all a load of crap, and there’s a medical solution. And it doesn’t involve talking and turning to god. Fuck that.
OK I’ve got more but for fuck’s sake this is already long enough.