Kel

Since JL is going into the internet black hole I will post my new blog site. 

I also want to thank Bi11i for putting many hours of effort into a community of individuals that are the hardest personality types to manage.  He put up with countless levels of bullshit yet offered us a place to bare our soul.  He supported us and kept us going.  Thank you Bi11i and while I will never know you personally I hope that you find everything you look for in life. If you find my opinion worth anything invite me to read any new place you write.  I appreciate the time you have given me. 

I have no idea what to do with this blog.  He has offered to transfer it but I think it’s good for it to be a memory.  It represents a time and place that is no longer valid though it was my first attempt at a journal.  I have been helped and hurt by this place.  Not by JL as in Bi11i (god knows people try/tried to make a villain out of him often) but I allowed myself to become to attached to the souls in this less than real environment.  Now I understand the difference between life and the internet.  I am not trying to be insulting to anyone and I still value many people I met here.  But I was hurt by several.  In the beginning I was accused of being to fragile.  Then I allowed myself to get sucked back into drug use and the explosion of a typical junkie user and their ideal of friendship for convenience.  What’s funny is I often think of these people of how they are doing.  And I added further drama by allowing my inability to stop nurturing anything that asks it of me and got way to involved with the pain experienced by another.  I tried to take a tortured soul and show him that life can offer tenderness.  I tried to help and in the end felt used and nearly let it cost me my real love.  But I kept coming because Ogre, Hacker, Seedless, SSaturnine, SickGirl, Ms Kits, Libby, and countless other bloggers that know how to share yet keep an appropriate distance.  I went around to welcome new members to the site and did not receive one comment back and I was sad.  I thought it is different now.  We had a fun and several months of closeness not experienced by many.  I feel my new community is HUGE and I am a little number.  But it will be ok.

If that is what that first person meant by fragile then I guess I was.  But if fragile meant that you should not open your heart, mind, or soul to others then I will always be fragile.  Because I will always offer the best of me to others and I expect nothing in return.  Only when you expect nothing can life really give you gifts.  I have learned the secret.  I can now focus my mind on the positive.  I am a changed person.   I owe some of this to my experience at JL.  Most of this I owe to my evolution as a person.  I am no better or worse than any other junky trying to make their way.

Bye for now, stop in and say hello.

Will you join me on my new journey?  http://lifeofkel-kel.blogspot.com/

I am blogging in a new place.  First I want to state it has nothing to do with JL.  But I know this project is tough for Bi11i to manage.  Frankly I am just in a different place and don’t feel at home here.  I am no longer plagued by thoughts of drugs though it’s always a part of me.  I am just in a different spot.  I plan to leave this, if Bi11i permits and post form time to time.  Those of you that are interested in my boring day to day rants can e-mail me or comment for the link.

Miss my old JL buddies.

KEL

Well I had a nice little holiday.  S. was too good to me for words.  I need to post pics of my gifts.  We went shopping together and he bought me this great handbag it’s dark chocolate suede with a HUGE brass padlock.  I don’t know why but I loved it.  The same day I bought him a new pair of Revo’s.  I am not stupid he wanted those sunglasses and I wanted my handbag.  Anyway I was not expecting much I ordered him some stuff he wanted for his toy Jeep.  I wanted some perfume.  Well I opened my stocking which held pajamas, chocolate and a little black box from Meirottos, my favorite local jewelry store.  It had some pretty white gold earrings in it.  Then I opened my box of Chanel and was so happy.  When I turned around on the table was another black box.  I thought it was the box the earrings came in, you know the velvet box goes in a little box.  So I picked it up and threw open the lid to put the earring box i and there was another box!  This was a too die for right hand cocktail ring, white gold, a cluster in a pear shape.  It nearly knocked my eyes out.  So S. opens a few more gifts, boxers from the Gap, a new Star Wars junk drive from Urban Outfitters, diesel jeans, vans, etc.  I get up and go to the bathroom.  After I get back S. is in the kitchen and I start watching a Christmas Story and looking at my hand.  I mean last year I got that great journey necklace and earrings so I am thinking wow I am one lucky girl.  I hate how this makes me seem all into getting expensive gifts but I don’t ask for them.  I asked for the Harry Potter movies (which I got     Anyway this is what happened and it was fun.  So S. comes into the living room behind me on the couch and asks, do you want a bloody mary?  I look over and it’s another fucking black box!  I scream and laugh and he is worse than me.  This one is long like a bracelet.  It has the most understated and beautiful white gold tennis bracelet, it’s got just enough sparkle without being WHAM, in the face.  I have never received three pieces of fine jewelry on the same day.   Two from him last year and my engagement ring before that but not three! 

What is important is that they could have been anything it’s hard to describe that he did because it made him happy and that made me happy.  He didn’t do it because he thinks you have to spend huge bucks for a good gift, recently I received a sea monkey kingdom from S as a gift, he did it because he loved how crazy it was to go that far.  It’s also important to realize all of these pieces would have been loaded and shot into our arms some time ago.

After gifts we watched A Christmas Story in sections.  Danced to Mickey Avalon’s silly Jane Fonda song, yeah I can dance on crutches and on the couch, listened to Death Cab for Cutie, watched Shawshank Redemption.  Cooked and ate food we bought at Honey Baked Ham Company and my Peppermint Chocolate Cake from Cold Stone Creamery.  I did not want to cook with a broken leg.  Watched my two dogs react to getting new toys.  One destroyed hers in five seconds the other carried around his little squirrel all day.  Played Risk with two friends, world domination baby.  and finally went to bed early sated, happy, and once again thankful.

When I woke up today got dressed and went to work I hoped that life is good for all the people still using, getting clean, staying clean, growing up, growing old, getting well, getting sick, being different people and most importantly becoming who they are meant to be. 

KEL

It’s Christmas Eve.   I love this day because it’s full of so many things that make life worth living for me.  I love the anticipation of of looking at the lights shine on boxes wrapped in shiny paper tied with huge wired ribbon bows.  I love watching movies while snuggled up under a good blanket eating something you got from Dean & Deluca (you know that person at work that hardly knows you) and drinking cocoa, coffee, or hot tea.  I love preparation for a day full of love.  So much goes into this day at least for those of us that celebrate Christmas.  Though I believe every religion or lack thereof needs to experience the love you spread during the holidays.  If for no other reason that planning to spend a perfect day with somebody fun.

Ok, so I have a candy cane in my ass apparently well good for me.

Anyway I am at work this morning which is more of a show up and be here thing.  We are leaving at Noon.  Then my love and I will visit some local family for lunch and head home to do nothing.  We got almost 8 inches of snow Saturday so it’s a lovely winter blanket. 

Things are going well.  Once again I really just want to walk without crutches but only a little more time.  It’s been 8 weeks today since I had surgery to fix my broken ankle/leg.  I wanted to stop and say hello and wish you all happiness.

I was thinking about other holidays.  Preparation included making sure I had enough of whatever I was ingesting to make it until the Th.  If my parents wanting me to visit then it involved hiding things well for the flight.  I don’t miss trading in presents for cash to score.  Or getting disconnect notices on my gas bill because I used to much to compensation for the holiday depression.

Speaking of depressing today is not a day for it in my book.  If you are depressed then get up, get out, and get something.  No not that, something worth having.

Much love from KEL….