Kel

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  I really did not do much, just relaxing at home. My Monday started off a bit rough as my dog ate the zipper out of my favorite pair of black pants.  He ate the material that covers the zipper, ate it.  And he ate the well it was not a button, but sort of a slide hook thing, that served as the button.    They fit like a glove.  And they were in a pile of my work stuff.  Did he take the ones that are too tight in the ass?  No.  How about the ones that I like but since they are stretch so they get too big by the end of the day? No. He ate the most perfect pair of black slacks I own.  The ones I had to force myself not to wear over and over.  The sad part is I know I can’t replace them.  Not only did I buy them last year but well you just can’t ever replace your favorite things easily. This brings me to these thoughts….

Well I know all of you are dying to know where I blog…. 

This is my home work station.  Lady M painted the picture for me. And it’s supposed to be me and my soul mate coming together.  We shall see.  All of my art work is from friends, and well though not gallery type stuff, it means the world to me. 

So anyway…. I was thinking about that we can’t replace what is either broke or destroyed easily.  Whether those things are pants or relationships.  Sometimes you can repair the pants and even a relationship. But ever notice how they are never the same as before the damage. And sometimes the damage is so extensive no amount of repair will change the outcome.

This is where I relax on when not working, which is all the time lately.  Oh well I do have a lot of freedom in the workplace.  The assholes that owned my house painted the trim on the windows in the living room.  I need to strip it.  I also have new fixtures and a new front screen door that need to be installed. I bought the stuff and well its all project’s on the ever growing home list.

As I was saying….. So if you can’t repair or fix something you loved do you toss it aside?  Well I guess that depends.  I have a box called ambivalence.  Anything that is old, worn, and just plain sentimental goes in that box.  No, I have not put any relationships or people in there but the thought has occurred to me.  Maybe I will become a serial killer and my MO will be bodies in boxes marked ambivalence.
Since we are talking about my nest, my home. 

Check out the sink Libby, don’t mind that cup and plate. hehehe.  The tiny faucet on the right is my purified water.  Damn the cutting board is on the counter I forgot but it fits over the small side.

Well last I guess I should mention that I have a test on Tuesday.  A few posts back I mentioned some bad news form my doctor.  Well the news was I had to test results that mean suspicious lesion.  I am going in for a biopsy.  The week of waiting for the test has been nerve wracking to say the least.  I hope that I am not going to have to fight.  But I can tell you one thing about the test.  It put things in prospective for me.  About drugs, about friends, about relationships, and about favorite pants.  Love is the most important thing, to feel it for another person, to have it returned.  And no matter how many times I have to replace worn out or torn pants or relationships, I will live to love another. And sometimes that becomes the most important part. 

Thanks to my love JYS for listening to me cry. And for staying up late to help me prepare for a difficult day.

Peace love and poppies,

KEL

Got to love this……  I don’t know why this pic amuses me.  I put it in the pic area but I needed to share.  I had pulled my sunglasses off my head for the shot and they always get stuck in my hair. So a car passed and I was holding my shades up over my and dancing around a bit. And the two guys laughed at me.  I find it nice to amuse the masses.  Anyway I am growing my hair out again and it sucks, but what do you do?

I am torn between writing what’s on my mind or slapping down some happy shit.  Maybe a little of both.  Ever notice guys say it’s this is on my mind and girls say this is how I am feeling??? Same shit right.

My mind is playing tricks on me.  My sister called and I confessed to using in a blubbering voice.  I told her about drinking ahead.   I can tell she just does not know what to do with me, and that is not her style the Dr. always has the answer.  She wants me to go to an in house detox. Great.  She offered to pay for rapid detox.  Great.  How about I don’t want to detox.  Is that so bad?  How about you give me a bunch of drugs? No? Damn.

I got bad news from my doc today.  I let you know as soon as I am up to sharing. I mean I am not sure how I feel about it. Most likely it’s nothing. I had dropped some weight but that was due to not eating but it seemed like a lot.  So I went in for a run of tests.  I want to have the follow up before I say anything. 

I need to say THANKS to Libby and Samantha for saying I was sexy and a hot chicka, my ego needed that!  My self esteem is a roller coaster. So thanks.  I am also adding Libby to my links.

Well I miss JYS.  We have been unable to talk lately as life has been getting in the way.  But I miss him. 

Did anyone tell you Ogre is a rock star?  He is, but shhhhh.   I should say this in case I have not.  I came to JunkyLife because of Ogre.  So if this sucks blame Ogre. 

Kids I got nothing else you want to hear.   I can whine about the usual but that would be boring. 

BYE

Ok, so I love Elton John. And tiny dancer is a great song so sue me. I know I will one day marry a musician as I don’t seem to be able to get away from dating them.

Anyway, I wanted to add that my yahoo messenger and AIM is : iluvchieva

Dammit everyone is chatting without me. And I am just enough of a stupid bitch to be jealous. hehehe.

Oh and I got a comment from bi11i which was way too cool. I know all of you get them; but hell I think he is just the best thing since well those great fat bags I got.

Anyway BYE

What do you do when an old friend is in need? Cuncti pro uno, unus pro cunctis was our motto from college. We promised to be there for each other through life. I am not one to take that promise lightly. Sean needs my help. He is not ok and as bad as I feel he is so much worse. He wants to kick his heroin fun has gotten out of control. I barely escaped without shooting his dope Thursday night. But if I did what kind of signal is that? So my feelings for a friend had to outweigh my junkie bullshit.

My cell was ringing at 3:15AM. My dogs were going nuts and my heart started racing that something had happened to the young lady I love so much. She would come to me. I answer groggy without checking who was calling. Sean says, KEL. His voice is full of something, slurred to be sure. You have to understand that since college Sean has swore to accomplish things and is always full of ambition and determination. What’s up? I ask. He laughs and I hear liquid slosh. Cuncti pro uno, unus pro cunctis, he says. Barely getting the latin out. All for one, one for all. What do you need Sean, I ask. Well I am fucked up and I didn’t want to drive all the way home, he says. Where have you been? I ask. I don’t know, I woke up in some girl’s apartment and well I just left, he says. I never did find my jacket; I think she had it on. He laughs softly. I don’t know where I am Kel, mid-town? I am stunned fully awake now. Sean, you were born in mid-town. I say softly. We talk about where he went tonight I ask of he remembers picking her up. No he started drinking at McCoy’s then went somewhere else. He is in his car with a bottle of Bushmill’s. He thinks they had sex, but can’t be sure. I am sorry Kel, he says. I guess I deserve to be exiled, huh he says. Was that a question? I ask No, he says flatly. Where are you now, I ask? Mid-town I think he says. I know but what street? I ask AHHHHHH, 39th and Broadway. What do you need from me; do I need to come get you? I ask him. He laughs. Sean do I need to come get you? I ask. Nah, can I come over? He asks. I just need a place to crash and I don’t want to drive home. Sean, you know you’re on my couch right? He laughs again. I will be good Kel. I think about it and say yes.

He arrives parking partly on my hedge. I open the door and he is standing in a t-shirt and jeans. I can see his breath it’s so cold. I hold the door open for him. He walks past me and falls on my couch. Bushmill’s sitting on the floor next to him. His eyes are watering and dilated. Sean, when was your last fix? I ask. Help yourself Kel. He says. Great I think. No thanks but when did you last shoot? I ask again. My wake up at 11AM. Well this explains the drinking. You need to shoot and sleep. He stands up and throws me the keys. Go get my bag please. I run out to the drive struggling with the beeping keyless shit. I know the bag. I come back in and Sean is looking at a photo. He turns and begins to pull off his belt looking down at it then up and smiling at me. He laughs. Be good, I say. I know. He says I go upstairs not willing to watch him mix and shoot. I mean I am not a saint. I come down and he is lucid almost a reanimated dead person. Oh Sean when did this happen. He chats a bit more about getting clean. Don’t we all after a shot. Then he lays down pulling the blanket over him. I sit there staring at his bag. Knowing I can grab a new rig and shoot. I get up and go to my bedroom. Locking the door. I am unsure if I am locking him out or me in the damn heroin filling my mind. FUCK.

I have an obligation born nearly 10 years before. I have no intention of ever dating Sean again. But the guy does show up drunk every few weeks. And I am a complete sucker for sickboys. Oh well. I cannot turn my back on him. We promised the three of us we promised to always be available for one another.

So I left a sleeping junkie on my couch. Who knows what life brings right.

In other news I seem to be better today. I miss JYS.

KEL