Paint It Black

Wow a fucking year, I feel like an ass waiting that long to post. But I don’t know that anyone is really reading this stuff anyway. Well this is a quickie as I’m at work and they would flip if they knew out this blog haha. Anyway life’s the same old same old; work, work, work, and more work. I bought a car finally as I had no wheels, its a shitty car but it will work for now. Of course I was gouged on the interest rate as well since I had to file bankruptcy last year. Well I promise to post this weekend in case there is still someone out there reading this thing.

Peace,
PIB

I watched the VH1 Behind the Music Pantera documentary tonight.  It was crazy to hear all the songs again I haven’t really listened to Pantera since High School.  Although I do own almost all of their cd’s and still really like their music.  Its insane how bands with such insane amounts of musical talent and success seem to self destruct.  Of course it wasn’t suprising to hear that the lead vocalist had overdosed on my personal favorite HEROIN .  Its fucking crazy I haven’t had a dirty urine test at my clinic since July of 05.  I have a decent job, and I get by in life most of the time.  Still I see people strung out on dope with basically nothing, and I get so fucking jealous of them.  When I was on drugs I just wanted to get back to work and have stability, money, health all that bullshit.  Now that I have those things I just want to say fuck it all.  As cliche as it sounds a lot of times I just want to live fast die young and be done with it all.  I’ve been bored with life for a long time now, and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it.  Other then just get fucked up and not care anymore.  I can’t count how many people have told me that, they have never seen someone with so much potential and so little desire to utilize it.  As much as I wish I could say I cared I really don’t.  Every weekend I think about getting some dope and doing it on Saturday so I could pass a drug test on Monday at work if need be.  But the fact that my guy is expensive and takes his time scares me away most times.  That and the paranoia that I might still piss hot somehow if I did have a drug test on Monday.  My birthday is coming up this Month maybe I will take a few days off then and get fucked up.  I don’t know I read something on bi11i’s blog that just rings so true to me as well.  Although I’m not on bupe I am on methadone and I feel the same way.  I just can’t even seem to find who I used to be anymore, its just buried somewhere dark and cold.  The song “Down in a hole” by Alice In Chains pretty much describes it perfectly.  I wonder if I knew now how much one thing could change everything if I would still try it.  In the end most likely yes, my life (and the value I place on it) has been shit. 

Lately I have been drinking a lot more, I didn’t drink at all for long fucking time, probably a year with nothing.  Then just a beer once every few months if that, for another 2 years or so.  About a month or two ago I just got this itch to have a drink.  Fast foward and I have drank almost everyday since haha.  Funny not one time have I actually gotten drunk though.  I absolutely hate being shitfaced and hangovers even more.  So I drink a couple of drinks and get a buzz then call it good.  Found that I love Jack Daniels, Hennessy, and Hypnotic (not all together of course lol).  Now I’m sure there are people who won’t agree with what I am going to say and bitch or whatever and they can fuck off cause I don’t really care.  But it seems that once you let a something, especially a substance into your daily routine for a while thats pretty much it.  Alcohol, weed, XTC, Heroin, Cocaine, Meth, Pills, or anything else it doesn’t really matter in the end.  Once your relying on that shit on a daily basis your in trouble.  You can quit the shit but in the end you will probably end up dependent on something forever.  Be it AA/NA meetings you have to go to daily/weekly/monthly to keep straight, counseling, or anything else your still fucking dependent.  Who’s to say which dependency is worse???  Certainly not me thats for sure….Lots of people switch from one drug or vice to another to get “better” but who ever gets back to that baseline before everything?  Nobody I know thats for sure, maybe someone out there maybe not.  Its like drugs are opening some door in your brain and behind that door is the part of yourself that wants to destroy everything.  And once its open its always open, or so it would seem. 

Well I’m done with this shit for now, it probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  But I wanted to try and get in the habit of keeping this thing up even if its just with bullshit rambling.  Maybe someone will get something out of it somewhere…

So sorry for the long lapse in between my posts I have been super tired lately for some reason.  Also stressed and depressed about a myriad of things.  Mostly the fact that I failed that stupid drug test a while back.  Which actually turned out to be a lot bigger deal then I was lead to believe it would be originally.

So here it what ended up transipiring in the end with respect to the afore mentioned subject (did that make sense ).  My manager (who is normally very laid back) said that normally he would fire someone over this.  No second chances with this type of thing complete zero tolerance (although the company handbook says otherwise).  Thankfully he said that since I was such a good employee and he has had zero problems with me aside from this he would work with me.  Which pretty much translated to him screwing me over in exchange for me keeping my job.  The actual punishment was as follows: minimum of 2 random UA’s for six months (although he or the HR department can give me a UA anytime they want as many as they want).  Then when the six months has passed I will be off probation, and my name will go back into the random testing pool.  However I will still be subject to any number of random UA’s for an indefinite amount of time.  Any performance problems, or subsequent failed drug tests will result in me being terminated (maybe not such a bad thing ).  Funny they made such a huge deal about all of this yet they only managed to remember to drug test me one time this month (which I passed of course) stupid fucks. 

Other then that I really need to get my shit together and file bankruptcy before I get a garnishment against me.  My goal is to call a lawyer this week and get the ball rolling.  Especially because there is a possibility I will get a promotion in the coming months and I would make too much money to qualify to file (might not qualify now even ).

Other then that its just my same boring ass life, I’m beginning to think I have some sort of problem perhaps chronic fatigue or something because every night I get home and I get super tired by like 7-9pm.  I can literally fall asleep at 7pm, sleep until like 11pm.  Wake up brush my teeth, then go back to bed, and sleep till 745am the following morning when I get up to work.  Even with all that sleep I am almost falling asleep at my desk in the afternoon, and I am falling asleep that night at 7-9pm again!!!  I thought maybe I was getting too much sleep so I tried less sleep, but it resulted in the same thing.  For the last few weeks I have tried sleeping between 7-9 hours per night with the same outcome everytime.  Me being tired way early the next day regardless of how much sleep I got.  I’m going to join a gym withing the next 2 weeks, and since my friend works at bodybuilding.com I can get supplements at like 20% below cost.  When I join the gym I will buy some supplements too, start eating right, and see if that helps my fatigue issues.

Well I’m not going to post at work anymore because of the whole drug issue so I am going to get in the habit of posting when I get home at night instead.  Also I got a new toy its called a Creative Zen Vision:M.  Since that probably doesn’t mean anything to any of you I will explain.  Basically its like an Ipod Video but much much better.  If your thinking of buying an Ipod video you should seriously get this instead.  It only comes in the 30gig size, however its the same price as the Ipod 30gig at $299.99.  The Zen is a much better deal though, the Ipod doesn’t even come with an AC Adaptor.  What makes the Zen better is 1.The screen is much brighter, looks 100% better, and displays approximately 4 times more colors, 2.Zen has a FM Tuner (50$ accessory for Ipod), 3.Ability to record either through the built-in microphone or whatever is playing on the FM tuner directly to the Zen, 4.Comes with AC Adaptor, and Connecting dock so all you need is a cable to output the video from your player to a TV, 5.Ipod plays like 2 different types of video files and the Zen plays pretty much every popular format, 6.Zen is available in several different colors, 7.Has mapable shortcut button so you can map one of your commonly used tasks, 8.Syncronizes contacts, tasks, and calendar with Outlook (you can add contacts, tasks, etc. from Zen or included Creative software), and 9.The battery lasts twice as long or more when watching video as compared to Ipod.  So if your looking for a new Mp3 player the Zen Vision:M is the way to go.  It seems they are very popular right now too, when I bought mine yesterday I originally was going to buy an Ipod.  At Circuit City I looked at some open box Ipods but they were all fucked up with a lot of scratches.  I just happened to see the box for the Zen (it seems they are so popular there that they haven’t been able to get a display model out yet) when looking for more open box Ipods.  I didn’t think anything of it but then I noticed it played video which was something I really wanted.  So I had them let me look at it, and after reading the box decided it was a no brainer.  Luckily I got the last one, not only at Circuit City but in my town as far as I could tell.  After buying it I called around to see if someone had one for a better price so I could get Circuit City to match it and save some cash.  No other store had one that I could find, and they all said that it was almost impossible to keep them in stock.  Anyway here is the link to the Creative site for them http://us.creative.com/products/product.asp?category=210&subcategory=214&product=14331 

Well thats about all I can think of right now, hope everyone is enjoying the Memorial Day weekend.  Be safe, have fun, and all that

Peace

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I’m still gainfully employed. I will make another post from the comfort of my home PC later tonight with the full details of my sentence and the one or maybe two other semi-interesting things going in my so called life.  I was also curious has anyone else ever returned a DVD to the rental store only to get home and discover you let the DVD itself in your fucking DVD Player? hahaha

I did that yesterday and thought wow that was retarded of me.  Also TOOL, Godsmack, and The Red Hot Chilli Peppers all have new albums out or coming soon.  I’ve listened to most of all three and they are all fairly decent with Godsmack being the least favorable of the three.  Last if anyone is a fan of MMA (Mixed Martial Arts i.e. UFC, Pride, King of the Cage, K-1, Bushido, etc.) the Pride Fighting Championships Open Weight Grand Prix first round is tommorow on PPV.  Tonight The Ultimate Fighter and UFC Unleashed are on Spike TV.  If you have never seen them you should check them out as MMA is an awesome sport and is growing fast now.  Well gotta get back to work so to anyone that is reading this have a good day and if your not a member of Junkylife then register using the link in the lower right hand corner.

Peace

So I smoked some pot last tuesday with some friends for the first time in around a year.  Well I ended up getting sick and throwing up afterwards. Which has never happened to me before from weed.  Well come to find out the kid who’s weed it was likes to smoke crack and weed together.  And he must have had a lot of crack in the weed because a few hits made me sick as fuck.

So then the next day at work I get a random drug test!!!! What fucking luck huh?  I told them I had smoked the pot and that it might have possibly had cocaine on it.  They said that since I admitted it they would work with me, and I would probably just get 90 days of probation (drugs tests).  Which is good in the sense that I didn’t get fired, but if my coworkers were to find out I would be fucked.  They are so straight edge they would never look at me/treat me the same ever again.  And I mean my career there at this company is pretty much over now as far as promotions etc.  What are the odds that they would give me any promotions or raises etc.  With that on my record, everytime I call in sick or something happens they are gonna automatically think its because I am on drugs or something.  Fuck I just can’t believe that this shit happened, more then anything I wish I knew what to do.  To make matters worse the marijuana didn’t show up on the drug test but the cocaine did.  My company is waiting on the official lab results.  They said that when the results get here me, my manager, the hr director, and one of her people will meet together to discuss whats gonna happen.  I don’t know if the results could possibly change whats going to happen, but she said that her recommendation was 90 days probation with drug tests and the HR director agreed with that.  So my manager is probably the only other person who has to sign off on it, and he is really cool so I don’t think that will be a problem.  I just hope something bad doesn’t happen with the lab results or who knows what.  As fucking bad as my luck is I will end up fired, god that would make me wanna fucking hang myself.

The single bright spot of this week is the fact that my drug test at my clinic came back clean and I got to keep my 2 week takeouts.  So that was a definite weight off my shoulders.  But the job thing is just killing me, I already have problems with my stomach and stress makes it a lot worse.  I have been so stressed out this weekend my stomach has just been killing me.  Just feeling like I wanna throw up at times, but have burning pain all the time.  I just hope they don’t fire me, and I will get through the 90 days and even though I might not go anywhere in the company I will have a job and money till I can find somewhere else I can go to.  So everyone wish me good luck with this job shit and I hope you’re all having an awesome weekend.

Peace

Here are the lyrics from a couple of songs from my favorite band “The Bronx” if you like punk and you haven’t heard these guys do yourself a serious favor and go to www.thebronxxx.com and download some of their mp3’s.  They do all of the recording for their albums in a live setting with a 3 take rule.  The music sounds incredible and you would never know they didn’t record it instrument by instrument like most normal which is really a testament to how good these guys are.  If you don’t like this type of music you probably won’t like them.  So check them out and if I can figure out how to post a couple of songs on here (I’m slightly computer retarded ) then you can listen to them on my blog.

 Heart Attack American

i’m done telling you that i’m in love what i have will never be enough come on baby go live life on your own everything inside is breaking down and you don’t want to be hanging around i don’t think i want to leave myself alone i’m done having to apologize i’m done living inside your eyes when the lights go out whats left to know nothing ever makes sense to me a broken branch of the family tree kill the lights now baby watch me explode there is no revolution and i’m done doing things i don’t want to do there is no restitution and i’m done living in this decline i’m done watching you redesign come on baby let’s go walk out the door i’m done showing up to fucking work taking orders from a fucking bitch i’m in the chair now go ahead and flip the switch i’m done doing things i don’t want to do and i’m sick and tired of setting up to be like you fucked up thrown out and overdue im done there is no revolution

They will Kill Us All (Without Mercy)

what’s left of california what’s left of los angeles sidewalks cry cause they’re not as high shooting old dope rich kid skies are a good disguise lining our veins with hope what did you get for free and where you gonna sell it why should i give a shit cover up your facelift what’s left of my broken heart what’s left of los angeles we got a new designe excess redefined so you can dream it we rewrote the standards covered up the old scars so you believe it scrape black tar from a guilty lung throw a needle in your arm cough up wrongs of the city stars they didn’t mean no harm what were you supposed to be and what did you turn into we don’t even need you here but where you gonna run to good drugs bad streets arms tied my world capsized with style i got a new plan get me outta here pretend sincere stumble on words desperation the warmth of a gun last hundred years remember twenty four

Just a quick note on a Monday morning (blah I hate monday’s!!!).  Its so wierd to me sometimes I feel like I don’t want to use drugs anymore and just want off the methadone and want to distance myself as far as possible from the whole thing.  Its seems plausible to me most of the time, but then there are times when I see or here about people I used to hang with that have been clean for a while go back to full blown strung out status.  That and the fact that I see all these people at the clinic that have been going on with the shit for 20 plus years.  The statistics are absolutely dismal when it comes to getting off the shit and staying clean.  Some sources I have read say that there is a 98% relapse rate.  Others are not quite that bad but still terrible when your trying to stay positive about living a non chemically dependent life at some point.  Lifetime cravings, permanent changes in the brain, and all sorts of other horrific things that one faces in the struggle we call sobriety.  I usually read everyone’s blog on Junkylife almost daily at work, and I realize that mine is probably the least well written.  Its not suprising considering English is my least favorite subject and I am far from what someone would call a smart or gifted person.  What I guess I am most curious about is does anyone ever really get back to normal?  I mean no weed, alcohol, or any other substance abuse.  Just being able to be happy in life without altering their state of mind.  To me the 12 step thing can become just as much of an addiction as drugs.  People going to a meeting everyday or multiple times a day for the rest of their life is no more appealing to me then being on bupe or methadone for life.  In fact honestly if it comes down to it I will be on bupe or methadone for life before I will ever consider the 12 step thing.  Nothing against anyone who does it and it works but its not for me.  So anyone actually reads this, and I know there aren’t many feel free to toss a comment with your opinion.  I’m in my early twenties and I used pharmies (oxy’s etc) for about a year most of it recreational and then used herion for about a year.  Now for about 9 months I have been on methadone.  Has the irreversible damage been done?  Is it too late to get back to life I once lived?  The life I wish more then anything I could go back to.  I hope its not but I just want to know…