Well life is life, dull.  It its April and I really should start my detox on bupe but there are so many variables regarding all my other meds.  I finally am collecting my head after a solid month or of heavy amphetamine use.  Near the end I was loosing my mind, I was going insane.  Not sleeping for days on end, not knocking myself out with my sleep medication, not eating healthy or I should say really not at all.  I have always had issues with eating and high doses of ampetamines doesnt help.  I ran out of my script 2 days early which surprised me but I am scripted such a high dose, it holds me strong thru the month.  Ampetamine w/d is nothing to bad I could suppliment with some old Ritalin I have laying around from an old prescription but I need a rest.  I do feel a bit off though, like something is missing.  Could it be my nice big orange IR Adderalls’ hmmm.  I usually just binge hard for two weeks than my meds are gone for 2 weeks and I can have some down time off the amps and the w/d [? minimal but something definetly is feeling strange] is hard to describe I think I think about it to much, than I will try to compensate by taking some more benzos or some extra opiates.  At least sleep is possible, lol.  I was getting tired of trying to go to bed at 5-7am laying there popping a sleeping pill and than deciding fuck it I dont feel like sleeping I would rather organize old letters, and cards from girlfriends and family.  Cracked out and whacked out, just is my life I guess.

Speed, uppers, coke, etc. have not really ever been my cup of tea.  As I am scripted the amp’s to help with my ADHD and to help control my social anxiety.  I need to lower my dose as its just hell on my body and mind.  I see the paranoia and irrational behavior creeping into my life, where there is nothing to be paranoid about.  I am not doing anything illegal, I have nothing to worry about.  Even a few friends have commented to me man you got to slow down, I dont like being around you when you are like this.  I see the doc in a day or two so I will get that sorted out.  I am going to start working on my community service here soon so that should be getting me on a semi-normal routine. 

My life is like I said dull I am on house arrest. Its starting to get warmer out and I am starting to get pissed off more.  Thank god I dont have to be on it thru August or some crap.  First week of June I get off, and let me tell you I cant fucking wait.  My social life has plummeted.  I am not getting laid as often as I should be, which doesnt bother me too much as my sex drive from being on bupe pretty much kills that but I am tired of my fuck buddies and want to find a girlfriend.  This time I am going to do it my way, all my old girlfriends have always been the ones to come up to me and initiate a conversation next thing you know we are inseperable.  My self-confidence has always been so low, that in addition to my anxiety, and my laid back way of life has always made me sit back and wait for the girls to come to me.  Which they do, by the time I am off this electronic monitoring I am going to be a different person.  I have already been changing quite a bit.  I dont have an issue getting girls, I dont think I am ugly, I can get just about any girl I want if I wanted to I believe, call me conceded, call me what you want.  I just cant wait to get out with out having this damn ankle braclet on and get out have a good time and actually hit on a girl and see what happens.  Thinking back in my life I have rarely gone after what I wanted in many aspects of my life.  Girls being just one of them.  I dont know what I am looking for just one with nice champagne glass breasts, a beautiful face, skinny, a laid back attitude, and not a drug user.  [sounds like my last 3-4 girlfriends lol].  This time things are going to be different.  I am going to persue them rather than the opposite.  I am just rambling…

I have been attending quite a bit of NA/AA/DDA [Dual-Diagnosis] meetings lately and am getting into a nice cycle. I have been free of illicit drugs for awhile but I dont consider myself clean, its all my prescription medication that leaves that backdoor open for me to have something to turn to.  Sure I do have some legitimate disorders, anxiety being a MAJOR one, and I do need to be medicated big deal.  I will work thru that later.  I have been taking benzo’s daily for at least 5 yrs. and if I dont take my dose with-in 24-36 hrs.  Your best to stay far away from me or I will explode.  I can only imagine what it is going to be like when I am on my 3-5 day off them, I dont even like thinking about it.  Its really a big psychosomatic issue as I sit here and type this even though I just dosed 6mg of Klonopin and 4mg of Ativan just 3 hrs ago for the K-pins and and hour ago for the Ativan just thinking or typing about it starts to trigger my brain into thinking I need more.  Which manifests it self in strange ‘imaginary?’ physical w/d feelings.  I get the familiar ache kicking in.  Maybee I need to dose my buprenorphine again as I only took a little dose this afternoon when I woke up. 

See how my brain works, its sick, I am sick.  I can tell you though that replacing my illicit use of drugs with a pharmacuetical full on attack I wouldnt trade for anything.  Fuck those days waking up before my eyelids even open my thoughts are consumed with who I should cop heroin off today, who has the best bags, etc.  God-forbid if I didnt have cash to score.  A day of doing nothing up but waking up getting my money, getting my dope, all for the brief 3-6 seconds of bliss when nothing mattered as that rush floats thur me.  I hated that life and loved it at the same time.  I loved those early morning drives to score a couple hundred bucks in my pocket.  Looking at all the cars stuck in rushhour traffic and the people in them thinking, ‘those poor fucking saps, having to actually be up this early to go to work, WORK, wtf is that about.’  I would leisurely smoke my cigarette, and flip thru the radio or listen to some CD’s.  Pull off into the ghetto and buy a few bags of dope and a few rocks of crack.  Rig up get ‘normal’ than break my crack down in Vinegar and slam that needle and shoot for the stars.  Tasting the vinegar taste in my tastebuds as the rush of the cocaine freebase hits me hard flipping my stomache and sometimes making me puke.  Ahhh speed-crack-freebase-city…  Than shoot another bag or tow of heroin to mellow out.  Grab a hot chocolate and a donut relax and than go back score a pack of heroin [10-12 bags/gram or so] maybe another rock or three.  Than I would be fine head home and nod out into oblivion, and repeat for a decade.  Sometimes I truly miss those days I wont lie, but I sure as fuck am glad they are gone thats is for sure.

I just have been so scattered on this last ampetamine run I havent taken all my doses of all my medicines on a set basis as usual so.  I am all over the charts on dosages and times, etc. I need to sit down and organize my dose schedule and what I take each day.  Than start to reduce my buprenorphine intake so by summer time I will have a month or two of no opiates.  Which will halp me in so many ways my appitite, my health, my out-look on myself, and on and on.  Yet, I see my doc in a day or so and I will be back fully stock with my ampetamines.  When I taken them my doses get cut back on my normal meds, [opiates, benzo’s, etc.]  so I do think they can be used in a legitimate tool to help me decrease easier and quicker.  Than at the same time its sooo hard for me to just not take my dose of amps ONE FUCKING day when that bottle sitting in my ‘chest of pills’ under my bed.  I just have to slow my dosage down 75-90mg of Adderall IR is a bit much to help me try to control my anxiety, shit I know what my doctor is trying to do I am not stupid.  She doesnt want to lose a good patient and lets me get what I need or want, I have been with her for over 4 yrs. I did a little quick calculation in my head I have gave her over 25K in the past 4 years [med prices included], comparitively that would be a drop in the buck compared to if I was a full-time dopefiend junk head again.

I miss pot.  Fucking probation.  I hate writing posts like these also because it feels like I am exposing myself but sometimes I think its necessary.  Rather than post some drug-a-log war story or some warped experimental word essay.  I have been working on my oil painting again.  I have my studio set up all nice, but know that I set it up.  I am thinking maybee I should move it upstairs into one of the many empty bedrooms so I can have some natural light rather than in the basement.  On the other hand I have a nice big plush L-shapped leather cough down there, nice rugs, a nice pool table, nice lazy boy leather recliner.  I can also make a much bigger mess down there, on the other hand who really fucking cares…?

Listening to: Miles Davis ‘The Complete Concert: 1964′

Weather: Sunny, still chilly 50 or so…

Attitude: Hungry