Seedless

Well my sister had her 2nd baby… On 8/8/08 also she weighed in @ 8lb’s. and 8oz’s.  Time of birth 1:31 am, Girl, name: Ella , I am so happy for her I had a good time playing around with Ashlynn her 1rst baby.  I got some god pics of all them my sis her husbands and BOTH babies, Ashlynn is about 1-1.5′ish. Congratulations Sis and Adam, I love all 4 of you guys now !!!!

My grandma fell down and broke her hip. Luckly only needed surgury to correct the socket ball joint, not the actual hip socket, [much worse] while @ a doctors appt. for her open heart surgury that was scheduled for this coming week, and is no put of indeterminately.  A blessing in disguise I see it, as I just felt in my gut she wasnt strong enough at the moment for an open heart surgury.  She is frail and weak, smoked unfiltered Pall_malls for 60 yrs drank like a fish for 60 yrs, and sometimes I truely wonder how many barbituates she has swallowed.  She was on a morphine drip with 2mg shots of Dilaudid ever 3hrs for pain.  I am not sure when she is coming home or how operational she will be.  She will make it its my grandma and I love her.

I myself have been in Chicago lounging with a friend for the past few days at his hotel, shopping, looking, watching, and walking thru smoke.  Good times from a old chum that used to tour Phish and Dead with me Phish Euro 96 GOD do I have so many stories for that trip or Phish 95 Summer tour, JGB off shoots when the Grateful Dead had a lag in there constant touring Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summer tours, flooding the city with killer cheap L.  Those were the daze.

After returning from florida and than Arkansas mining for crystals I have not quite settled into normal living.  Ripping my ountain bike up and loving it a new whell set is in order, roughly 650$ for 2 tire rim’s disc brake only.   Also I am planning a trip to Seattle, Washington to visit an old friend, GGreatone234  Mr. Fungi extrodinaire, lets hear it for him ladies and getns put your hands together…  He is working on a book and publishing is soon to come.  I am thinking Aug 29-31st - thru - Sept 11-16th a good solid 2 week vacation.  Mine as well surf the summer wave out hanging ten before it dissapears into memories.

Plus I have much LOVE for the NorthWest even with never being there.  Spores and spores oh my.  My 20 or so cacti grow tall and proud ripwith  thick strong flesh they reach for the stars at night. My medication is normal with a slight increase on my anti anxiety and bupe and decrease on my ADD meds, i.e. amp salts.  My crystals shine prisms on my wall to wake me from my slumber as I fall into the spiral of sleep the godess of Som, Unconciousness in its agile awareness.  I creep and crawl thru dreamscapes sometimes seeing u.  Yes you, as I past by in the form of an owl.  Kaaaa Kaaaawww, Kaaaa Kaaaawwww,  whoosh, an spiritual seed I plant in your aura hoping for healthy growth and the power to understand.  My mind gets lost, its happens every other day, huh what was I saying, I dont rememeber, no matter what the cost.  My mind, my mind its lost its lost.  It traveled west as I stumbled east, 2 semi circles to go and my thoughts were returned.  My brain my brain I hate when I lose it.  I scare myself, and have long since lost what others think,  lost and found have you seen a brilliant mind colourd in dust…  Scattered remains of yesturdays lunch orange’ish powder.  Chicks all up on my jock in the bar, MCA my man, get on the mic…  I pretended I was alone, 1 rubed my back another grabbed my thigh.  I didnt even bother to look or acknowledge the fact, why?  I dont know I perplex myself at times, At the time I just didnt feel like fucking or sucking.  Bartender I might have fucked, loads my Stella’s foam dripping down the side,  anxiety, panic, gulp gulp gulp xanax klonopin ativan, go down the hatch, on the way they help to lose my brain.  My mind has a mind of its own and when it gets to wondering it wanders out of my skull and I cease to be able to wonder.  Why are we here?  Why am I here?  Am I programmed for destiny, or rolling the dice with a determined fate.  Skeleton keys and Attic cobwebs, my closet is wide open I got nothing to hid.  Only punk bitchs hide away in thier closest, or cracker jackers, and there spacehead, oh left a foil in here oh yeah forgot…  SURE.

Time to go and peace and well wishings for all,

Seedless

The rain is falling from heavy skies

Jimmy in a dream went to Florida, had a blast, and he is sorry for whatever he needs to be, shrug?  Jimmy is strange and when out of his element he just gets stranger.  His friends in florida T, A, J, M, and so on he feels regret for not “talking to” ??? uphere, over here, down there, Jimmy was in a fragile conditiion when he left and just went on a whim, and thank you all that put him up on armchairs and beds made of clouds.  Jimmy just doesnt know sometimes…

Fingers sliced and dripping with blood as he dug thru the red arkansas mud, sweat just rolling off him, a place that he could dissapear to instantly positive and ‘what-ever-they-may-be’ vibes permeated his bucket of crystals.  POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE !!!  I know thats calling the kettle black but from what little manifestation on time I could have warp back I travel back on ethreal time ships, rollercoasters of the mind harnessed and in control. Not thing but good positive vibrations, I think the Beach Boys said its best in some quote but my mind is jummbled so choose your own__________________________________’.

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.
I’m crying.

Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.
Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday.
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.
I am the eggman (woo), they are the eggmen (woo), I am the walrus,
Coo coo, kachoo.

Mister City P’liceman sitting
Pretty little policemen in a row.
See how they fly like Lucy in the Sky, see how they run.
I’m crying.
I’m cry, I’m crying, I’m cry, I’m crying.

Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye.
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
Boy, you been a naughty girl and you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman (woo), they are the eggmen (woo), I am the walrus,
Coo coo, kachoo.

Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun.
If the sun don’t come, you get a tan from
Standing in the English rain.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo.

Expert texpert choking smokers,
Don’t you think the joker laughs at you? (ho ho ho, he he he, ha ha ha)
See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how they snide.
I’m crying.

Semolina Pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower.
Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna.
Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo
(rhythmical speaking along with juba’s).
Juba juba juba, juba, juba, juba, juba, juba, juba juba. Juba juba…..

Rolling the dice.  A good friend is a friend flipped his car not good, peace

I love everybody and everything I just dont express myself and we wont even get into the horrible self image there was once and still is and will always make me look at the ground kick a small pebble and imagine that pebble swirling in rainbow funk oh yeah, sorry I forgot you were trying to talk to me…  Space cadet

I am not completely @ peace with myself, and am working on that non-stop, I am sick, damaged from years of drug abuse.  Yet I still use a crutch made from pharmaceutical amber waves of grain bottles, yet I really dont care let there be songs that fill the air.  T and AA thank U for making some unforgetable memories in Jimmies mind, which I control in a journalistic atempt at distance and identify, who me? who you? huh.. You might think I am nutz……………. gone…… but its all a controlled experiement.  Wink Wink..

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

air

seedless

crystalline in memory banks, digitize fragments, shake the test tube, but never mess with genetics with out a “deja-vu of a dream I had last nite but cant remember a bit’…  nod from the higher ups mother eather and her spirits.

Peace,

Seedless

Jimmy wishes he could just BOOM impart his thoughts into your brain ‘acess code denied’ and you would see what Jimmy sees and trys to hold himself to a standard of a man decent, honest, and respectable…. yet Jimmy has problems, we all do dont we?

Please send nothing but good vibes ‘if you think of them as that’ my way, as I have errrr… firewalls yeah nice assimilation into my fingers as they type on blu LED keys, the firewalls automatically block negativity so dont even bother to try…  Nothing but human here, positive, bluprints and ancient tear drops which make the hieroglyphics hard to decifer at times but adew… [Jimmy bows and spinsinto infinity]

Peace,

SEEDLESS

Merry Xmas…

Thank god its over is all I have to say and thank GOD I wasnt a heroin addict this  year, instead I wallowed away the time scarffing down pharmy pills and huffing and puffing that crystally herb.  OVERGRO.  Presents, got a bunch of stuff I didnt need nor did I want well some stuff.   The best present is that I am able to type this rather than being in the south side of Chicago waiting in some urine reaking hallway, waiting in line for my heroin.  Chilled and sick to the bone.  I havent been typing much lately as I havent had much inspiration.  My body has been sick and my mind has been tired and sluggish, I am even having a hard time writing a brief journal entry in pen in my non-digital-ethetnet world.

I hope you, yes you had a great christmas and got all you wished for.  I am blessed with such a loving life, I have had sooo many breaks and last chances, and holy shit how did I get away with that…?  Include with that a loving family and I know there are bigger and better things out there for me.  Not a doubt about it.  Well I am off to what I do best flip thru magazines, scan over my presents, and program some electronic stuff, and puuf, puff pass out into the leather lazy boy, continue to sublingually take xanax and shots of warm brandy till body feels numb and these self imposed issues I place upon myself.

I will fall into a gently unconscious and conscious state, I will wake up on the chair with a cranked neck at around 5am and crawl up stairs to my bed.  The Nutcracker Suite plays quietly in the background as sugar plum faries dance in my head and I wish I could just get my wheels outta of the rut they are in and let tham get some traction on the pavement I can REALITY.

Peace,

Seedless

Well a nice quiet 4th of July, just how I like it, It seems as if today is Monday and yesterday was Thursday. I really have nothing to say except this air conditioning is FREEZING. Chuck Chill out in the Orange Push-Up Gang, slangin’ pudding pops to all. The time is near, the mission clear, its later than you think. Time to put my plan into action and leave this drug addled, lie infested, dead-end town in my dust. I really really want to move out West, the NorthWest Oregon, something of that stature but I think I will wait untill my probation is over. I dont even know how much longer I have left… Too long probably. Untill than I need relief from this disease ridden city, A move back to Chicago is in check. Its been quite awhile since I lived downtown, infact the last place I lived prior to this was NYC ‘I Think’… If all goes right I will have a nice place to myself. No sketchy roomates. Everbody I see in this town is an addict or diseased in someway. Of course I am not perfect and I cant say that I have my small minor details of prescription addiction, but I have been cutting back on my Suboxone, and basically off my Speed, the thorn in my side is my benzo intake but that is just a fleeting thought. I need to set some realistic goals for getting off Bupe its just been too long and I am hampering my own self progression by going against my own natural will of self medicating.

In time grasshopper in time…

In other news I saw Al Gore’s son got pop’d off with a DUI and poss. of marijuana, xanax, valium, vicodin, and adderall. Thats the All American Son for you, at least he was driving a fuel effient car. Also on the news I heard that in down-state Illinois at a truck stop there was a semi-truck trailer of Vicodin stole, 16 million tablets. GeeeWilllikers… They said it was most likely headed up to Chicago for distrabution, but I doubt it, my guess would be the pain pill capital of the US the South-Eastern US. 16 million tablets, my first thoughts were having a huge bedroom filled to the ceiling with all the lovely flavors of hydrocodone and having a friend open the door and having them spill out and rush over them in a waterfall fashion, much like some Skittles commercial I think I thought I saw.

Shit, Life is life and life is boring. That reminds me I need to do some major cacti transplanting. Must check weather for sunny days coming up. I really dont know what to do with myself get a job? Thats for the birds… And I fly in my dreams, maybee if I move to the city pick up some gig some where doing something where I can pimp the early 20-something pigtailed girls. Ha… Soon. Soon.

DMT space elfs on a cosmic adventure need to kidnap me NOW.

Peace,
Seedless

Sizzling of my skin
is cured as I lay in the brook letting the crystal current wash over me
My stained glass sunglasses are in the coolest color multi-stacked prescription blues
I lay in the the water and watch what I am supposed to believe are jet fighters stream thru the sky
I really don’t give a shit about anything.

My lips stained red from my breakfast wine
My mouth cotton dry from some local homegrown
My face choppy with shaving cuts from an unsteady hand
My arms scarred with tracks from dreams of the nod

Trying to figure out a way back home
as I get lost in the whisps of a smokescreen
I decide on prayer induced meditation
I am laying underwater, alive in a vibrant distorted coral reef
Departed on an ancient egyptian wooden plank boat
I’ve been wasted all day long
8:52
An orange dusty haze invokes my vision and I hold the brim of my trusty National Geographic hat with my tanned hand to keep the current from grasping it.
My mind is misunderstood the fragmented pieces
get handwashed and air dried on the clothes-line of outerspace
I drink pink lemonaid and think limegreen thoughts
I hear the Madcap laugh I see him shaking in the moonlight
I am on a lot of meds
The Jester is behind the throne hidden behind the explosion of a blue torch
I build a sundial out of mud and count away the shadows until the pills take me over
The bubbling brook floats me and lady blue downstream
loose algae passes me by and in my disillusioned state
I mistake it for a 12 inch donkey dick of Mango #2
swaying lazily in the october sun
What-a-shame-mary-jane
sweet sweet jane

I just don’t know

“trip, trip to a dream dragon
hide your wings in a ghost tower
sails cackling at every plate we break
cracked by scattered needles” Mr. Syd

Ive seen you around
most likely downtown
in fact I remember you I bought pot off you
in my dream the other night
Right?
We were at on an appalachian vacation
you were working in the underground seafood laboratory
the dry ice packed eel’s finished its sublimation
and only your chinese face was visible in the artificial smokey room
you sold me a $20 dollar bud for $10 because we were friends in highschool
Kabloom Kabloom judy blume
You escorted me away from the fish stink and onto one of the facilities vehicles
A titanium encased orb with lighting diffused, you watch me drool
strange…

I chased my ex-girlfriend in that dream also and awoke to a dream phone call thinking it was her, instead it was my psychiatrist dictating a letter she wrote to me.

I’ll never be what you want me to be
I’ll never appear as to who I might be

lost
on some upside down tree
chasing the path of a disjointed me
a turn here, another there
I am here nor where?
Blindfolded I can not see the path infront of me
It could be anyday that I shoot off into space
or fall as a new seed
as the only thing that grows downward is a potato plant
A sentinel trail
I might just go swim with the killer whales
blue and grey
but I just continue to lay
in a deep decaffeinated sleep
painted over in a loose benzodiazepine watercolor wash
ok im bored, and this sucks, later underwater alligator
[REPEAT BUT FITTING, I SUPPOSE… HA]

4th of July
Recovery in Chicago

My addiction makes me piss on floors
and go home with these scabby whores
i took to much LSD
now i’m in I C U at MRE
Cocaine and Coors come out my pores
Pukin in the kitchen down on all 4’s
My heads an earthquake i sweat and shake
Ashes on a coke can ready to melt a cake
Spittin blood, Pickin sores, fuck cuttin the line
Stick the straw in the bag and do it all at one time
Fuckin chicken heads wearin house shoes and rollers
Tried to pawn a remote control as a motorola
Got it beat bop Pubu pull lip and tug
Pooky and snoop-snoop and some other thug
Blacked out in the crackhouse and wet my pants
I almost died, dove out the ambulance
My dads Jack Daniels kicked the cockerspaniels
First i did a bump off my high school annual
Gettin geeked hit the toilet for a quick jackoff
by the time i got a nut i rip my dickskin off
Punched a hole in the wall, i got crabs on my balls
and i’m lookin for a pepple in the carpet in the hall
Runnin from drug raids, my brains an arcade
MY FAMILY’S AFRAID I GOT AIDS

My addiction makes me piss on floors
and go home with these scabby whores
i took to much LSD
now i’m in I C U at MRE

My addiction
My addiction
My addiction
My addiction

Just walk away, just walk away
There’s too much wrong for you to stay
Just walk away, Just walk away
Gonna get yourself in trouble, walk away

Well its summer I have been erratic in my posting, I have recently quit my Amphetamine habit, its been 3 weeks and I am still getting used to my sleep schedule. I have gained almost 20 lbs. and I have just started to lift my weights I bought oh 3-4 months ago intent on lifting, procastinator in the flesh baby!!! I have been sleeping 12-13 hours, it sucks I need a SUPER LOUD alarm clock or something, although it will wake me up to nothing. A open day of sun and temptation although most of my temptation is gone there is always something that pops up, ya know… I despise alcohol lately, but unfortunately this town revolves around drugs and booze and the crowd fav. cocaine, blah…. and where that trail of ill regard flows girls are to be had. I need to get laid, and its not going to be some little bar slut that more worried about whats in my pocket but give here what she wants like a nice big fat cock in her mouth to shut up her babbling. Regardless… I hate my dry periods it happens, when I dont want them to go figure.
But when it rains it pours.

Gotta run Peace…

Seedless

recovery

seedless

heroin blog

Im tired, haven’t slept good since well before x-mas…  I seem to be on a bad schedule.  Up 2 days, sleep for 15 hrs., Up 2 days, repeat, etc.  Its driving me slowly insane, I need some outdoor sunshine.  Some girl with plump breasts sucking my dick under the summer stars.  Sometimes I think I am getting nowhere in my life, at this point I am mainly concerned about getting laid.  I have went on a couple dates, but I was too geeked from my Adderall to even except obvious hints that the girl wanted me to get in her pants.  I mean come on Seedless, wtf is wrong with you?  Alot I know, I might be going down to Florida if I can fit it into my busyy schedule, ha. and seeing a couple good friends.  I just have to get some enertia [sp?, I dont care] going and make the plans.  I feel like I am caught in this death trap of a town, with nothing to turn to.  I must move! SOON!  I have never ‘picked’ up a girlfriend in my life [once, twice, maybee] they always pick up me.  Which I like and have become acustom to, its just I dont know how to hit on chicks, Pathetic eh?  Well shit, I dug this hole myself and I’ll climb out of it myself.  I really wish I didnt screw it up so bad, so many times with my last ex, she was so great for me but NO…  I find myself in a nice relationship and I immediately have to start to pick it apart, shit I barely even gave it a chance in the begining.  Than I came to really like her, and me never being in a ’soberish’ relationship I didn’t know how to control my emotions.  Tie that to the fact that it was one of the first girls I have ever really felt very strong emotions towards than scribble all over it like a 6yr. old and a pencil, real fast.  My body and brain were to wacked from amphetamines to really be honest and try to buck up a bit, granted it wasn’t a one way street but yeah I fucked up, as usual.  I stormed out after she had a psychotic episode over nothing, yeah I might have told her young kid to F’ off, I was up for multiple days and I swear I wasnt the only one craazy.  Ahh enough about that it just brings me down, thinking what could have been, if you ever do read this Crocidile, I am sorry but you already know that.  Is it strange for me to think of you almost daily?  Not quite that bad but I do think of you often and the good times and the insanely hectic brain-drained sleepless nights.  God, how pathetic am I 4:20 am on a Friday night, still am in my pajamas from god knows when.  Didn’t go out, didnt feel like it, didnt do anything, and I am sitting here typing about some girl that I blew it with but you know what I really could give a fuckless.  Who cares?  So I throw my thoughts onto a digital screen on occasion.  She is probably off sniffin and snorting god knows what or inhaling plastic smoke I should say, but I could be wrong.  I would pay all the money in my wallet 5-600 bucks just to be able to calmly sit and watch a movie with her.  I have never had lingering feelings toward a girl for so long, I guess I have never truly liked someone as much as I did her.

In the past I was always in a smacked out haze, now I am stuck with bottles of pills that bring me up, up, up, than others to level me out, others to take the edge off, and yet others to fall asleep.  I miss you Croc. a whole bunch, I doubt you read this rambling of mine but I really do.  I just hope you stuck to your guns and stayed the course you were on? Or the course you told me you were on but I know thats not true,  I just hope you keep it together.  I know I sound like a fucking high school kid, so fucking what, I am allowed my personal thoughts and I am allowed to type them down.  Enough off that…  sighs’

Christmas was good, family was great this year nobody was fucking with me asking if I was still on smack or did I have a job for a change.  I think it was the first year in a few that I made it to my Aunt’s xmas eve party, this time I wasnt sticking needles in my arm in the bathroom, before dinner, after dinner, before the presents, after the presents, etc.  I didn’t have to spend my x-mas eve copping smack at 2-3am after the festivities.  I could never but enough to last me thru the holidays, it NEVER failed.  2 bundlles, gone…  Oh well I always had a bunch of xmas money, which I never even thought twice about getting it from an old aging grandma only to be handing it to some young gangbanger hours later in the dead of night, you’d occassionally would get a extra bag or rock on a late xmas eve cop, I have some good stories about being pop’d by the cops on xmas eve and being let go and given my dope back [reminder tell story about, jingle bells and ice puddle.  Story about whats her name and OD at the Wheel going 75m.p.h down the highway, the Mozart sting where railroad ties were carried down the block, or the time we had to stand in our boxers and get 10 ppl from the neighboorhood to approve us copping heroin in thier neighborhood, or the one about the time the cops pulls up on me and whirlybird as we were getting high, dumbass hands all the shit right over, the cop didnt care just wanted to take my new car for a test drive, that was a weird one].  Ok so xmas was good, presents, yeah they were good but I dont care about that stuff.   NYE is looking to be bleek, kinda the way I like it I hate celebrating that lame fucking New Years.  I have heard of a few things going on but I will probably just chill with a friend as he has to take his brother to the airport at like 4am or some stupid ass shit.  People have really been getting on my nerves lately.  Everything has, I suppose I could chalk that up to my increase on my meds as its just to much for me, next vist I am dropping.  Forfucks sake at least increase my benzos a bit if your giving me a gram of adderall a day.  Ambien, klonopin, seroquel, buprenorphine, ativan, rozerem, adderall, motherfucker I need some damn xanax like 4-5mgs right now damnnit…  Sigh’

Thats life eh? Suck it up when its bad and enjoy the good times, god knows I have had enough good times to last the rest of my life, its just this monoteny [sp? I dont care] of sitting around taking my meds each day, dreaming about what I want to do.  Which is move the fuck away from this drug infested, shit talking, flooded with money and stuck up people town and move by myself to a nice loft in the City, I really would prefer the N.E. [Vermont, Maine, Upstate New York] but I have nothing really calling me there and I mine as well finish off my probation her as I have a feeling my prob. officer would throw a fit if I tried to move on her.  Well tough luck, my back just kills, I have been slouching all day.  I am going to bed. I miss you croc. I hope you read this someday and maybe in the future we can give it another go, yeah yeah I know.  Ya gotta take chances for good things to happen.  I hope your doing well and the family and all and I am basically talking to myself a mad man.  pffft…

Peace, 

Seedless