Seedless

Its was one of those sick summer mornings.  While flip-flopping in bed I was watching the digital clock out of the corner of my eye, 3:53, 4:03, 4:15, fuck it I am going.  I rumage thru my dope chest and pull out some fresh needles and the last 20$ I have.  I really should wait a few hours untill I can be re-up’d on my cash but I cant wait.  The aches and insane body tremors, lock my body in cortorted positions, I wanna die.  I pop some more valium to ‘help’ try and take the edge off for the ride to cop.  Its early 4:30am, I will be right on time for the early morning sales, the time you usually see ppl in suits rolling up to cop enough dope to get them thru there day.  I am sick, I only shot my last bag about 18hrs ago but my habit is large at the moment and this $20 will put the monkey back in his cage for a few hours untill I can grab some more cash and actually ‘try’ to get high, ha.

I tease myself with thoughts of those brief few seconds as I push the plunger down and the instant relief washes over me, ahh man.  I zip thru the building early morning rush hour, a robot programmed for destruction.  Cicero Ave. I pull off make a few turns, FUCK my normal spot isnt out yet.  Oh well I’ll go hit one of my 20 or so back-up ‘normal’ spots.  A few blocks later I round the corner ‘Rocks-Blows’ echo off the run-down houses.  The spotter tells me pull up halfway up the block.  2 blows, boom deal is done.

I round the corner pull into a abandoned parking lot and dump my bags into a upturned pop can, squirt it down with water, add a little flame to the bottom, cotton, suck up and inject.  Hands shaking the whole time, fuck where is the rush?  MOTHERFUCKERS!  God-damn it I cant believe those punk ass bitch fucking ****** ripped me off.  FUCK what to do?  What to do?  Think Seedless think?  My mother isnt up yet she wont Western Union me money down here this early, I could go panhandle for a quick 20 to get my sick off, naw I am too sick I cant even move, fuck it they ripped me off I am going to go rip off another spot.

I round the same corner and the guy yells the same thing ‘Rocks-Blows’, I roll down my window and say Blows?  Your selling bullshit I just spent 20 bux on crap, I want my fucking money back.  He replies well we have the REAL blows now, well what the fuck motherfucker, you didnt have them 3 minutes ago.  I hold my rage in and tell them I want 2 more.  I grab a crumpled up dollar bill from my center councel of my Jeep and fold it over so its just and inch or two wide.  I crack my window 4 inches or so and some old cracked out lady selling the blows runs to my window puts the blows in my hand and grabs the money.  I punch the accelerator.  I hear her yelling behind me, motherfucker ripped me off fucking this fucking that.  Fuck her is what I think to myself I quickly open the bags as I am driving and taste with my finger.  Yup real dope, thank god.  Now this particular spot I was at is all one-way streets and dead-ends so I have to loop around on the next block and drive right back by the spot I just ripped off.  As I do a heard of 4-6 young kids start to run at my car throwing rocks and bottles, I hear a bottle smash against my brand new Jeep Cherokee, I could careless I got my dope fuck um.

I drive away and as I am opening the bags and filling my needle with water I see a late model typical beater start to speed-up and follow me.  This guy is on top of my back bumper motherfuck they musta had a guy waiting in his car for rip-off’s like me.  Shit.  I speed up and blow stop signs with no care in the world except to get this heroin in my arm.  Snort it ha, yeah right.  I get out of the neighborhoods and onto the busy streets this motherfucker is still on my ass.  I hit a red light, no way am I stopping.  Who knows what this crazy ass will do to me?  I lurch my car around the ppl waiting at the redlight and pull a left hand turn into oncoming traffic.  A few brakes gets slammed and I hear a few honks, I lost him I think to myself as I quickly get onto the expressway.

I dump my dope out into my can and squirt the dope down with water, glancing into my rearview mirror I see the motherfucking car speeding down on me with no stopping, FUCK.  Soon we are going about 90mph and I am forced to try and balance my cooker filled with my liquid savior and drive while thinking what the fuck should I do.  The one time I wish I could find a cop, I am truly scared at this point my heart is beating out of my chest.  If this guy bothered to follow me out of the ghetto all the way out onto the expressway wtf does he want?  Blood?  Thinking quick I enter the middle lane of 3, I am coming up to an off ramp soon this guy is on my tail so close he is starting to bump me.  Here goes nothing.

As the enterance ramp gets closer I ready myself making sure I wont lose to much dope I drop a cotton in the heroin solution to suck some of it up.  At the last possible second I whip the wheel to the left cutting across the fast lane and onto the off-ramp.  One hand on the wheel the other precociously balancing my dope cooker.  The speed I was going made me almost crash into the barrier wall, I whip the wheel the other direction and fishtail up the off ramp.  Fucking A, my heart is just beating like I just shot a half gram of coke.  I look in my mirror no sign of him behind me but I wouldnt doubt he will get off at the next street and circle back.

I quickly pull off into a gas station suck up the dope and slam the needle home.  Ahhh now thats what I am talking about, bliss, numbness, those few fleeting seconds I live for I feel my body get replenished cell by cell as the heroin washes thru my system.  Fucking jesus christ was that a nightmare.  I have ripped off spots plenty of times before and never had anything like that happen.  Oh well fuck it I am not sick, but I am far from well.

Quickly I pull a U-turn and get back onto the expressway only to return home and grab the 50$ dollars left for me on the counter.  I am back in the ghetto scoring an hour later.  I make one more run later that evening for a friend and stock up for myself so I wont have another morning like that morning tomorrow.   Those morning happened all the motherfucking time.  I could never hold onto my heroin if I had a gram at 9pm I would tell myself just one shot and I will save the rest for morning.  2am would come along and I would wake up face first on the carpet with barely a wake-up shot left.  I dont miss those days for anything, specifically that day.
OBSESSED WITH HEROIN

Well life is life, dull.  It its April and I really should start my detox on bupe but there are so many variables regarding all my other meds.  I finally am collecting my head after a solid month or of heavy amphetamine use.  Near the end I was loosing my mind, I was going insane.  Not sleeping for days on end, not knocking myself out with my sleep medication, not eating healthy or I should say really not at all.  I have always had issues with eating and high doses of ampetamines doesnt help.  I ran out of my script 2 days early which surprised me but I am scripted such a high dose, it holds me strong thru the month.  Ampetamine w/d is nothing to bad I could suppliment with some old Ritalin I have laying around from an old prescription but I need a rest.  I do feel a bit off though, like something is missing.  Could it be my nice big orange IR Adderalls’ hmmm.  I usually just binge hard for two weeks than my meds are gone for 2 weeks and I can have some down time off the amps and the w/d [? minimal but something definetly is feeling strange] is hard to describe I think I think about it to much, than I will try to compensate by taking some more benzos or some extra opiates.  At least sleep is possible, lol.  I was getting tired of trying to go to bed at 5-7am laying there popping a sleeping pill and than deciding fuck it I dont feel like sleeping I would rather organize old letters, and cards from girlfriends and family.  Cracked out and whacked out, just is my life I guess.

Speed, uppers, coke, etc. have not really ever been my cup of tea.  As I am scripted the amp’s to help with my ADHD and to help control my social anxiety.  I need to lower my dose as its just hell on my body and mind.  I see the paranoia and irrational behavior creeping into my life, where there is nothing to be paranoid about.  I am not doing anything illegal, I have nothing to worry about.  Even a few friends have commented to me man you got to slow down, I dont like being around you when you are like this.  I see the doc in a day or two so I will get that sorted out.  I am going to start working on my community service here soon so that should be getting me on a semi-normal routine. 

My life is like I said dull I am on house arrest. Its starting to get warmer out and I am starting to get pissed off more.  Thank god I dont have to be on it thru August or some crap.  First week of June I get off, and let me tell you I cant fucking wait.  My social life has plummeted.  I am not getting laid as often as I should be, which doesnt bother me too much as my sex drive from being on bupe pretty much kills that but I am tired of my fuck buddies and want to find a girlfriend.  This time I am going to do it my way, all my old girlfriends have always been the ones to come up to me and initiate a conversation next thing you know we are inseperable.  My self-confidence has always been so low, that in addition to my anxiety, and my laid back way of life has always made me sit back and wait for the girls to come to me.  Which they do, by the time I am off this electronic monitoring I am going to be a different person.  I have already been changing quite a bit.  I dont have an issue getting girls, I dont think I am ugly, I can get just about any girl I want if I wanted to I believe, call me conceded, call me what you want.  I just cant wait to get out with out having this damn ankle braclet on and get out have a good time and actually hit on a girl and see what happens.  Thinking back in my life I have rarely gone after what I wanted in many aspects of my life.  Girls being just one of them.  I dont know what I am looking for just one with nice champagne glass breasts, a beautiful face, skinny, a laid back attitude, and not a drug user.  [sounds like my last 3-4 girlfriends lol].  This time things are going to be different.  I am going to persue them rather than the opposite.  I am just rambling…

I have been attending quite a bit of NA/AA/DDA [Dual-Diagnosis] meetings lately and am getting into a nice cycle. I have been free of illicit drugs for awhile but I dont consider myself clean, its all my prescription medication that leaves that backdoor open for me to have something to turn to.  Sure I do have some legitimate disorders, anxiety being a MAJOR one, and I do need to be medicated big deal.  I will work thru that later.  I have been taking benzo’s daily for at least 5 yrs. and if I dont take my dose with-in 24-36 hrs.  Your best to stay far away from me or I will explode.  I can only imagine what it is going to be like when I am on my 3-5 day off them, I dont even like thinking about it.  Its really a big psychosomatic issue as I sit here and type this even though I just dosed 6mg of Klonopin and 4mg of Ativan just 3 hrs ago for the K-pins and and hour ago for the Ativan just thinking or typing about it starts to trigger my brain into thinking I need more.  Which manifests it self in strange ‘imaginary?’ physical w/d feelings.  I get the familiar ache kicking in.  Maybee I need to dose my buprenorphine again as I only took a little dose this afternoon when I woke up. 

See how my brain works, its sick, I am sick.  I can tell you though that replacing my illicit use of drugs with a pharmacuetical full on attack I wouldnt trade for anything.  Fuck those days waking up before my eyelids even open my thoughts are consumed with who I should cop heroin off today, who has the best bags, etc.  God-forbid if I didnt have cash to score.  A day of doing nothing up but waking up getting my money, getting my dope, all for the brief 3-6 seconds of bliss when nothing mattered as that rush floats thur me.  I hated that life and loved it at the same time.  I loved those early morning drives to score a couple hundred bucks in my pocket.  Looking at all the cars stuck in rushhour traffic and the people in them thinking, ‘those poor fucking saps, having to actually be up this early to go to work, WORK, wtf is that about.’  I would leisurely smoke my cigarette, and flip thru the radio or listen to some CD’s.  Pull off into the ghetto and buy a few bags of dope and a few rocks of crack.  Rig up get ‘normal’ than break my crack down in Vinegar and slam that needle and shoot for the stars.  Tasting the vinegar taste in my tastebuds as the rush of the cocaine freebase hits me hard flipping my stomache and sometimes making me puke.  Ahhh speed-crack-freebase-city…  Than shoot another bag or tow of heroin to mellow out.  Grab a hot chocolate and a donut relax and than go back score a pack of heroin [10-12 bags/gram or so] maybe another rock or three.  Than I would be fine head home and nod out into oblivion, and repeat for a decade.  Sometimes I truly miss those days I wont lie, but I sure as fuck am glad they are gone thats is for sure.

I just have been so scattered on this last ampetamine run I havent taken all my doses of all my medicines on a set basis as usual so.  I am all over the charts on dosages and times, etc. I need to sit down and organize my dose schedule and what I take each day.  Than start to reduce my buprenorphine intake so by summer time I will have a month or two of no opiates.  Which will halp me in so many ways my appitite, my health, my out-look on myself, and on and on.  Yet, I see my doc in a day or so and I will be back fully stock with my ampetamines.  When I taken them my doses get cut back on my normal meds, [opiates, benzo’s, etc.]  so I do think they can be used in a legitimate tool to help me decrease easier and quicker.  Than at the same time its sooo hard for me to just not take my dose of amps ONE FUCKING day when that bottle sitting in my ‘chest of pills’ under my bed.  I just have to slow my dosage down 75-90mg of Adderall IR is a bit much to help me try to control my anxiety, shit I know what my doctor is trying to do I am not stupid.  She doesnt want to lose a good patient and lets me get what I need or want, I have been with her for over 4 yrs. I did a little quick calculation in my head I have gave her over 25K in the past 4 years [med prices included], comparitively that would be a drop in the buck compared to if I was a full-time dopefiend junk head again.

I miss pot.  Fucking probation.  I hate writing posts like these also because it feels like I am exposing myself but sometimes I think its necessary.  Rather than post some drug-a-log war story or some warped experimental word essay.  I have been working on my oil painting again.  I have my studio set up all nice, but know that I set it up.  I am thinking maybee I should move it upstairs into one of the many empty bedrooms so I can have some natural light rather than in the basement.  On the other hand I have a nice big plush L-shapped leather cough down there, nice rugs, a nice pool table, nice lazy boy leather recliner.  I can also make a much bigger mess down there, on the other hand who really fucking cares…?

Listening to: Miles Davis ‘The Complete Concert: 1964′

Weather: Sunny, still chilly 50 or so…

Attitude: Hungry

Prelude [not not Preludin, you junkies]:

I was 19 at the time, I had a good job and it paided very well for my age [mid 30K’s]. I had plenty of cash and a methadone and heroin habit from hell. My boss knew I was a junky because of my 2 hr. lunches and well I looked like hell. It didnt help her son was also a heroin addict who I had hooked-up and partied down with plenty of times. So point being she stops over out-of-the-blue on a Saturday afternoon. I literally just got back from scoring and was loaded. She said I have to go to rehab NO QUESTIONS asked, “I am not stupid I know whats going on”. I was slightly relieved because I was sick and tired already, from 5 yrs on the horse and a couple years on deathadone. So I get put on medical leave full pay while gone and they picked up the tab for rehab 37-39K, I forget its pointless anyways except to show the insane costs of trying to get help. I called around to ask different rehabs to inquire on their usual detox meds and routine untill I found one to my liking.

The Story:

I grudgingly check into rehab with a half gram of heroin and a bottle of Xanax and Klonopin. They searched me and didnt find shit as I was prepared for the search. The half gram was gone by dinner time and I was freaking out filled with anxiety knowing I was dopeless for the next day, eventually passing out.

I was fiending bad at day break of day two. Of course the fucking nurses [no offense Soma] would come in to check my vitals at like 4:30 am, once I am up, I am up. Being up that early with the realization of where I am and what I am doing started to sink in. Extreme cravings, anxiety and sickness soon started to creep into the marrow of my bones. My cells screaming for heroin, oxycodone, hydrocodone, shit anything at this point. I talk myself into leaving and going to go cop some more heroin and started to pack-up my things. The counsellors had their little intervention with me and convinced me to stay. My family and boss drove up after the rehab called them saying I was leaving. Once they got there they all pleaded for me to stay, I turned my head the otherway, I didnt want to listen.

“Drew dont fuck this up you need help. Its gonna suck but you have to deal with it and beat this”.

I wish I would have listened to them than, damn-it, but I am a firm believer in fate, things happen for a reason. My stash of benzo’s were a safety net just incase I wasnt being medically detoxed to my satisfaction, which is always the case. That rehab trip [my first of many] I referred to the nurses as ‘Valium Vending Machines, VVM’s, ha’ or rather they referred to me as the ‘Pill Mongrel’. My detox meds at this point is 30mg of valium, QID [4 times daily], Catapress patch [clonadine], Compazine, [stomach tranquilizer], and 800mg Ibuprofen and sleeping med, [A small tiny orange pill. I still dont know what it was to this day and I usually always know my meds but I was in such a fog].

Some how I managed to make it thru my second day in rehab and my first day clean from heroin. As the w/d’s started to come on harder and more intense and my meds werent holding me like they should be in my opinion [if I am paying or rather someone else is paying major bucks for treatment I better be medicated to my discretion]. Things just start getting worse, none of my dealers would deliver to me in rehab and I blew the half gram I brought like a ice cream cone on a hot summers day, fast as fuck. I have needles and pills but nothing good to shoot and I definitely cant get behind ol’ nurse ‘vending machine’ to steal something.

Than I get the idea fuck it I am going to shoot up some of my Xanax, it was late in the evening and I was starting to lose it, only about 20 hours clean. Its not easy to get Xanax into a injectable solution. I know water isn’t going to work well, I know nothing is going to work well but I know acidic solution is better than nothing so off to the Dining room I go. They were closing up shop and one of the workers, some guy my age was cleaning dishes when I peeked my head in the backroom. I asked if it was possible to get a little vinegar? He looked at me like I was an alien. So I changed my game plan and asked if he had any lemons. Which I knew they had because of the lay out of the food when we would eat. So he gave me a chunk a lemon without questioning my intent and I hightailed it back to my room with a pop can and a lemon.

I crunch up 4mg of Xanax. Squeeze the lemon juice* all over the pile of powder and add some water mix and mash untill it was pastey than just added more water untill I could get it semi into solution and than sucked up a shot. Injecting and repeated adding more water re-dissolving the Xanax sludge and re-injecting. I probably got about 6 or 7 shots in me when some girl knocks on my door and asks if I am going to group. I yell from my locked bathroom, “FUCK NO” and shoot a few more shots somehow trying to feed my needle fixation with anything. After I was done shooting I chewed up 5 bars of Xanax and 6-8 mg’s of Klonopin, praying for relief.

The rest is a blur… I remember being in a half dream withdrawal from hell state. Sometime I got up in the middle of the night thinking I was in my house and left my room to go to the kitchen in my head. Only to be told by the late night nurse I am in rehab I am not in my house go back to bed. So I stumbled back into my room and got in my bed. I was having horrible shaking tremors, thoughts and images of street corners and dopebags flashed thru my head with a vengence. I curled into the fetus position sweating bullets, yet cold as a Chicago winter. I remember trying to get out of bed I kept on putting my feet on the floor but trying to stand-up I would collapse. I couldnt walk, my legs were jello, I was so sick. Some how I ended walking straight into the wall hard. I busted my nose open and it started bleeding all over, thats the last I remember.

I was awoken in the morning by the cleaning lady shaking me, next thing you know there are a couple nurses and few counsellors standing above me. I am sprawled out on the floor, passed out. My pills must have fell out of my pocket as there were like 30 pills all over the floor including a few needles. A big blood stain on the wall from where I walked into it and blood all over my face, dried and crusted. My eyes were open but I saw nothing but white haze, the voices were distant. They started asking me a million questions and my only answer is did I miss the morning meds? I longed for that little silver cart with mini dixie cups filled with a plethora of multicolored and shaped pills for each patient, I wanted to steal them all and down them like shots one, two, ten. All I could think about was getting my sick off and heroin. They were pissed to say the least but fuck I didnt care, I was hoping to get kicked out. Of course after getting long hard talk about how they will give me another chance, or was that give me another chance for you to keep getting your 1200-1500$ a day outta me?

* dont use lemon juice to inject substances, crack for instance as it can contain bacteria that can do some major harm. If you are looking for an acid solution use Asorbic acid [Powderized Vitamin C], Acetic acid [Vinegar] or one of the other semi safe acids. Shooting pills is extremly dangerous even with proper filters [micron/filter wheels].

Prolouge:

I ended getting kicked out of the rehab as my insurance money started to near its end, and went back to the only thing I knew. Smack, White dreams, Narcotic stupor, High on anything, Drunk on pleasure, Blissed out, Irrational.

injecting xanax
rehab detox

Reality show to track heroin addict withdrawals
February 21, 2006

The progress of three heroin addicts’ attempts to wean themselves off the drug is to be tracked by a new British television show, in the latest of a string of unusual “reality TV” projects.

Following previous subjects such as live cosmetic surgery and colonic irrigation, Channel Four television’s Going Cold Turkey will follow the trio as they undergo detox treatment at a specialist clinic.

It will air twice daily for five days, with one program every morning intended for teenagers and a second for adults in the evening.

A Channel Four spokesman said the show would play an important role in demonstrating why heroin was such an addictive and harmful substance as well as show how addicts could be helped through withdrawal and recovery.

“All the people taking part in this program have taken the decision to quit and have chosen to share the whole process with viewers, hoping that it will deter others, particularly young people, from trying the drug,” he said.

The three patients featured have been using the drug for between six and 10 years. All have been given psychological and physiological assessments before undergoing treatment.
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I’d love to be able to see this, as I am a fiend for dope documentaries. I am a novice when it comes to bit torrents and downloading tv shows, movies, or the likes. Hopefully this will be easy to get access to.
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Also if you have some spare time these are decent:

Drug War Reality Tour

Crack the CIA

Coca and rebellion in Bolivia [The Real Thing]

The universe was a place of wonders, and only habituation, the anaesthesia of everyday, dulled our sight…   Salman Rushdie [The Satanic Verses]

I am so unhappy in my life its sickening and I am not even abusing heroin.  I am loaded up on my prescriptions though but I dont get high off them I take them so I dont get sick.  Is that what medicine is for to hold sickness away?  To hold sickness away from the very medications I am taking to make me not sick?  Or are medications supposed to cure my ailments? A little of everything I suppose.

Regardless I am sooo sick of taking a pill for this a pill for that another to come down off that pill and another to help combat the side effects from another pill and yet another pill just cause my doctor says it will help.  Well I am calling bullshit, I have never been so unhappy in my life as I am now.  I suppose that might be a bit of a fib I have been alot more miserable when I was strung out, sick, and fiending for a fix but at least than I felt some pleasure albeit fleeting as the plunger was pressed.

I see the doc. tomorrow for refills on a bunch of meds.  I really think I need to add an anti-depressant to the mix [Lexapro I am thinking as I have heard some good reports from a few different people] but first I have to cut out some of my other meds.  Lets see…

• Suboxone [buprenorphine] - 16mg, I take 2-4mg usually, but my use has been elevated lately to around 4-8mgs.
• Ativan [lorazepam] - 2mg once a day
• Klonopin [clonazepam] - 2mg 3 times a day [I take it in one lump sum]
• Vistaril [hyrdoxyzine] - 50mg 3 times daily
• Neurontin [gabapentin] - 300mg 3 times daily
• Adderall IR [amphetimine salts] - 30mg 2 times daily
• Trazadone Hydrochloride - 100mg tabs take as needed for sleep
• Seroquel [quetiapine] - 100mg tabs take as needed for sleep
• Risperdal [risperidone] 1mg tabs take 1-2 as needed for sleep and anxiety
• Clonadine Hydrochloride - .1mg tabs as needed [used for when reducing other medication dosages]
• Zoloft [sertraline] - 50mg tabs [I dont take this]

I am probably forgeting one or two but at this point does it really matter?  I am trying to work-up a detox plan and rid myself of most of this nonsense.  I am over medicated I know this I feel this if I let 24 hrs. go with out some pill going down my throat.  I would like to get down to the basic’s Suboxone and Klonapin.  I feel a strong connection towards the Adderall and am going to have a hard time giving that up as I do see it has positive effects on my social anxiety in small doses.  Who am I kidding though I breeze thru my script like a 8yr old eating a bag of M&M’s.  I can always save um for a rainy day or somebodies rainy day. 

Once I get down to just those two main pills is when the real detox would/will begin.  I can taper my Buprenorphine down to a low level relatively quickly but I really dont think its safe for me to jump off this med completely untill spring/summer’ish just because the temptation to use heroin is to big right now and my self-will to small.  I have nothing in my life to fill the void, some say fill it with NA/AA, I’ve tried it doesnt work.  I suppose I could try again but I think this is best left in my own hands.

Now the benzo’s are the real kicker I can stomach a quick drop in dosing but once I reach 1-.5mg of the Klonapin is where the battle really begins.  This will take some time but all I have is time so no worries.

Ugh, I am getting a knot in my stomach just thinking about all this.  I am unhappy when I am abusing illicit narcotics, I am unhappy when I am on prescription meds, and I havent been sober for more than 3 months for 15 years.  I’ve done it before but when I dropped of Buprenorphine I happen to meet a girl practically the next day and I was able to throw all my energy into her rather than dwelling on my situation.  Granted my drinking picked up considerably but thats life.  Currently I am not drinking much 2-3 times a month and maybe once I will actually get drunk, I have cut way back on my drinking.  I have very few sober social outlets and I am preaching to the choir when I say how hard it is to get back on a sober kick.   Tobacco, I wont even get to that, ha.

My illicit drug use has gone down considerably over the winter in someways and increased in other ways.  Gone are the tri-weekly IV coke binges sitting in my room with binoculars convinced the paperboy was really a cop.  We get like 4-5 different papers delivered in my area so they were always fucking with my head, including the guy who I was convinced was outside my window or the SWAT team ready to repell from the roof on ropes and come crashing thru my windows catching me in mid shot.  Winter [SAD?] has also increased my imaginary usage of heroin, thats under control as I have Buprenorphine as a back-up in case things get hairy.

I am a sick person, I just dont know what to do anymore.  I know I have to get off these medications and I know I have to get a life.  I have way to much free time and bordumb.  I need a job I have been telling myself I am going to get once forever but yet I do nothing.  Some days I feel like crumbling into myself and disappearing, other days I feel like killing myself, other days I am optimistic, other days I am so doped-up I cant move.  I hate myself and what I have become.  I am at wits end something has to change or I fear a very negative outcome.  I am unhappy abusing drugs, I am unhappy on pharmacuticals, will I be happy sober?  I need to find an interest in life and I need to find it quick.

So know what?  Write out a goal list concerning my medications, god am I pathetic and the sad thing is I really dont care if I am pathetic or what people think about me.  Fuck um, fuck um all.  I need to do this for myself for a varity of reasons the biggies being to show myself I can do it and I am in control of my life another is to hit the reset button on life and start off again sober.  I am just afraid of the first 3-6 months I am clean.  I cant afford to fail because if I do I have a very strong feeling that I wont last this next run.  I willl show myself I can do this even if it means that I will be uncomfortable.  Ok I am going to end this self-pity rant as I am getting a headache thinking about it.  Please dont bother to comment saying you can do it, I dont want to hear that shit.  This is just a virtual documentation of my mind at this juncture.

The normal broadcasting of my opiated tales will return tomorrow, fear not.

I was on a 4 year run (daily IV heroin) which ended abruptly when the cell door slammed. The dickhead cop waves my jab of heroin in front of my face.

The story continues as I saddle up the white horse again, where ever the Horse feels like running to I am forced to go. Occasionally I fall off the Horse stumbling off into the sunset.