Journal Entries Dump for blahblahblah, 02-03-2006 at 06:47
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Title: Date:: 09-07-2003 at 17:01
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Wend. Midsummer…
Rainy day, makes me feel like cop’n some H, which might happen if I get motivated.
Ok Tues. nite, I shoulds got laid or sumthing of the sorts but the beer was fuk’n up my stomache so I had no urge to pimp sum bitches. Ran into a bunch of old friends, fun… almost got into a fight at the bar, woulda been a good one, ha. Taked to Wa*** about his modeling he told me a story bout’ at a shoot a few weeks back that the whole crew was geeked outta there head smokin Rock, he had somewhere else to go and was kinda aggravated and the crew was like wanna suck the pipe. Oh well.
I dont have a clue what I want to do tonite it either going to be A) drugs or B) booze or C) girls or D) combo. I feel like riding my bike. I havent taken any Subxone today (yet) Im holding off till I talk to some H kids to see what the dillio is. I have been stuck with this weak ass oxazepam (sp?) for the last week.
*Reminder - get off your lazy ass and call your general MD and switch your clonazapam for lorazapam.
I have been meaning to do this for awhile, but shit I am so lazy. You think since I dont work that would be the least I could do, Im to lazy to even call my damn doctor. One of the reasons I havent called is because I am figuring out what kind of dosage on Atavan I would get. 6 mg of Klonapin I would assume would equal 6mg of atavan daily, mainly I just dont feel like talking to the doctor.
I have been seriously considering dropping out of my life lately, Ill see when p(H)ish and GD come through town what the deal is hopefully ill run into Jen**. I havent really heard to much about what the situation is on the tours with the lssssd. Bonarroo didnt sound to promising with the blotter. *keeping my fingers crosseed
legal meds:
6mg of Suboxone daily (only take 4mg)
* been stable at 6 aka 4mgs for 3 weeks now, its time to drop again down to 4mg which worries me because of my recent dabbling with the needle. ugh whatever
40-60mgs of oxazepam (havent taken in 2 days)
…selfmedicate this Dr.
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Title: Fryday Date:: 11-07-2003 at 18:51
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Friday - The sun is trying to peak through the cloudy sky
Boring day…so far
Thursday I only took 2 mg of Suboxone @ 8pm had trouble sleeping took 75 mg of Seroquel @ 3 am ended up sleeping untill 3:30 pm. 2 days in a row with over 12hrs of sleep. Woke up and took another 2mg of Suboxone. I feel a slight ache building up in my upper shoulders and neck, probably will take another 2mgs before I go out, if I go out.
Wend nite ran into an old friend D***, played some pool we ended up winning 8 games in a row, the 9th game I intentionally lost because I needed to go pick up sum reefer. D*** was telling me how he opened up for Ratdog, Merlle (sp?) Saunders, and quite a few others. He invited me to go catch a birthday show on the 18th of june @ some club called the Green Dolphin or something of the likes, sounds fun. He talks to Merell evry Sat. day has his # programmed, he called Merell in SF just to see if he was still up, his daughter answered and since Merel had a stroke last year he is not up to par. D*** was talking about styling parties, throwing back shots with Mickey Hart, that guy that started Hustler cruising around the house in a gold plated wheelchair ahh Larry Flint. Oh well.
I really dont feel like doing a thing tonite, maybe catch a movie, or take a bike ride, or hang out with Liam, or cruise for some pussy, who knows? I should probably shower, shave, and eat first.
Tony S***** OD on Monday night, had some complications with the OD just got released from the hospitol today. I thought tony had his priorities in order, last time I talked to him heroin was not even in the picture. Something must have pushed him pretty hard for him to start IV dope again. I wonder. Joey hasnt called for 2 days which is strange, either he is A) in jail B) in a hospitol C) nodding out D) trying to score E) back in rehab. Me*** has not talked to me since I rigged up in front of her, she FINALLY got the idea I dont really like her..ha. thinking back that wasnt the best way to end the relationship but it got the point accross loudly.
Such is life…
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Title: odds are set Date:: 11-07-2003 at 19:18
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All is in order…
Let the nightly games begin.
Odds of
blow-job 1:3
getting laid 1:4
tearing up sum slut - 1:2
scoring weed and coming home early, eating pizza, watching HBO - most likely
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Title: Sat Date:: 12-07-2003 at 17:51
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I had a great night, saw quite a few old friends I havent seen in years (as is quite the norm lately). I have the oven warming up for my pizza, I am starved.
Went to L***’s drank Busch lite, ugh pounded through 5, went to the bar and nursed my first beer for an hour. I couldnt drink for the life of me, went somewhere else had another beer. Ran into another kid, asked me if I wanted it to snow tonight, yup it snowed. One waitress/bar maid I have seen lately loooks great, if I werent so shy I would talk to her. hooked up with je** went to j**’s house afterwards. Than proceeded to get obliterated till the sun came up. There was this girl there that I totally blew it with, (kickin my self in the ass today). It was obvious she wanted to fuck, she was wearing a sundress and she kept on pulling it up and pulling it down, so hot. The problem was I was to involved in the snowing that was occuring. She even cam eup to me and said, wtf is your problem I have been trying to say Hello to you all night, and all I could say was, “you were, hold on one sec than ill talk to you, snort” man I am fucking stupid. uh. I totally shoulda got her number, at least I know one of her friends, I am sure its just a matter of time before I see her. Anyways enough of that. I called M**** at 4:45 am and she answered and came and picked me up and went back to her place, not what I wanted to do, bhut I was pissed I was so dumb with that other girl. Came home at 8am went to bed woke up at 4pm. I feel so out of it today, pizza is in the oven. should be good.
I took 2mg of Suboxone before I went out = total of 4mg on Friday. Havent taken my dose yet today. I will try to take 2mg @ about 9 and than bring another 2mg out with me if I go out.
mood: extremely lazy, feels like I took Rispedol or Seroquel my head is in the clouds
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Title: um wend. Date:: 16-07-2003 at 15:54
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something is wrong with me….
all I do is sleep.
i have been eating too many pillls (pharmy) pulling way too many allniters, IV too much drugs.
Justin a great friend OD in Conneticut 1 month ago, had bad complicatins, anyways he had an episode yesterday. Blood clots on his lungs and heart, he is in real bad shape. Hope he doesnt die, ugh.
I think my memory loss is stemming from these overse’as . ugh never mind
had a bad panic attack tues when I walked into my psych. office shaking terrible, im shaking right now bad. my body is fuct
puke on you …
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Title: sunday Date:: 20-07-2003 at 23:18
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thunderstorms are pounding out the window…
went to bed at 6am last nite. woke up at 4 pm, getting to sleep tonite is gonna be hell.
wasting time on the computer.
HBo is in order.
wish i had weed, to late to dick around with getting any
Justin is still in the hospitol I guess there are 2 options major surgery to remove the blood clots on his lungs and heart, or some intensive antibiotic regimine (sp?). He is real scared, I dont blame him. Just another reason not to abuse drugs kiddies…
send um a prayer, it will help
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Title: Monday Date:: 21-07-2003 at 22:13
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another day…
No sleep last night, I decided to stay up last night to try to straighten out my sleep schedual. Now it seems like I am getting a second wind. I even went on a 5+ mile bike ride today, I should be wiped out.
I have been dosing my Suboxone @ 4mgs.
I didnt take it early in the day and on my bike ride in addition to running on no sleep I was getting goose bumps even thoug it was 80 degrees and sunny out. I ran into a group of girls smokin a J, I think I startled them, I stopped and made small talk and finished the J out with them, young barely 17 Im sure.
blahblahbalhblalhdllbhalhadlhbldhlbblahhhhhhhhhhhh…
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Title: Monday 5 mins later… Date:: 21-07-2003 at 22:25
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Oh I forgot I have had a twitching nerve near my right eyebrow on and off since last Fri. I spoke to my mother and she said my body was to ‘acidic’ that I have to ‘base-ify” (sp?) it…. Of course I wanted to basify it with her script of benzos since I am out.
*reminder call Dr. **** and see if I can re-up my script with-out having to go in to see him, which shouldnt be a problem considering he has had me on K-pins 6mg for almost 2 years. 5 refillls and I have called him twice to get 2 more 5 refills.
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Title: blah Date:: 03-08-2003 at 23:11
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Sunday 6 days later (maybee 13 days later who knows)
did drugs, got drunk, the usual, saw the dead (wanted to puke on joan osborne), stayed off heroin, etc.
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Title: Tues. Date:: 05-08-2003 at 18:19
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Double twist than you hit the air
look at Julie down below
let the good times roll’
Well thank god I am not working this summer, I hate work. I give credit to people that can hold a 9-5, fortunetly I cant…
The sun is beating down hard and my tummy is full from dinner. I think I might go take a shower, take a few shots of Gin, wander out into twon on mybike and see what kinda trouble I can rouse up. Hopefully the kind of trouble that has breastis’s ‘grin’
Not to fast
and not to slow
gonna get there
i dont know…
Oh yea, just remember I need to take my Suboxone, I have been steady at 4mg’s, it slipped my mind untill this point. I probably could go a few more hours with out it but i dont wanna.
medi(sic)ne…
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Title: Wends. April 14th Date:: 14-04-2004 at 17:28
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Well I suppose I should start this up again… mainly because I am bored at the moment and am waiting for supper (BBQ Chicken on the grill, cheese covered califlower, buttered noodles, and salad.
Going to go see a Cubs game tommorrow and I am excited the weather is absolutely great today is like 72, and tomorrow is expected to be warmer. A mass amount of friends are going we have 12 tickets, plus a local bar gave 12 of their ‘complimentary’ tickets to all the waitresses (which everybody is friends in the asspect that we usually allways get wasted together) so a total of 24 ppl. Im excited…
Anyways…
I am trying to get off the remaining 1mg od Suboxone I am on, and its a bitch (plus I am the biggest fucking wuss when it comes to even minor opiate detox). I forgot to take a dose sometime this weekend and didnt even realise it untill BOOM I realised I felt sick. I bet if I could get somebody to swap my pillls for placebo pills I wouldnt really notice, this last 1mg is very mental. My benzo intake has gone in spells, high one week low the next, etc. I just have to much time on my hands and eventually the picture of a xanax will pop into my head and I will want to eat it. Plus my grandma has been in the hospital for the last 3-4 months and I need to benzo up when I visit her, (which I will do tonight rather than go out and drink).
I do feel like going out and getting drunk tonight but not really I’ll just wait untill the Cubs game tommorow. If I went out I am sure I will just continue drinking till the early morning, pick up some random girl and sleep at some random persons house and probably get up late and miss the train to the game. Unless I just stick with my friends that I will see the game with regardless, I dont feel like dealing with drinking tonight.
In fact I actually seem to dislike what alcohol does to me of late, I just do shit I wouldnt normally do, and it kinda annoys me, its a dirty high. The only good use i find for it is that it tends to bind a large group of people together that usually have the same ideas floating in there head for the night, 1)get drunk 2)get high 3)have fun 4)have fun with girls 5)have a headache…
Ok I am complaining waaay to much, but I have much more to complain about albeit rather insignificant and I run the same thoughts over in my head day-in-day-out and its so reduntant my life. I just need a good swift kick in the ass (or a psych doc that will agree that I have adult ADD and give me some speed), ugh my mind is already hurting me thinking about all the things I should be doing rather than typing my abstract thoughts in some journal that floats around in webspace.
Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new
Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re a lost cause
There’s too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares
Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re a lost cause
I’m tired of fighting
I’m tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
There’s a place where you are going
You ain’t never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That’s what you thought love was for
Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re a lost cause
I’m tired of fighting
I’m tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
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Title: wends, Date:: 21-04-2004 at 17:26
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Cloudy day out today, I talked to my grandma for 15 min or so, she is doing much better now that she is at home, we had to get a live-in nurse (Which I volunteered to do but it would have been ackward doing the dirty work, ya know>?) she said she has so many flowers delivered and kept talking about some new plant she got as a ‘get well’ present from Hawaii, I am happy to hear her voice sounds steady and she sounds optimistic. That shit must be so damn hard knowing you are dying and cant do shit about it just wait it out, man ,.. For awhile I didnt think she was going to make it she gave up (refused to eat, ate a whole bottle of pills, etc., etc.) it was just sad stuff. Its my last grandparent alive. All of them were alcoholics and this grandma fought against the booze hard her whole life last time she was in rehab I think she was in her early 70’s it must have been fuct up for my Dad having both his Mother and his Son in Rehab at the same time, and my Mom medicatating herself with xanax and gin. God the shit I put my parents thru. I was dumb and young…
Anyways…
Its open mic at a local bar and I usually hit it up good music. I even got to hear some Velvet Underground (sweet jane and rock and roll) last time. Hopefully it will be fun. The thing is the guy who brings in the equippment a good friend his girlfriend(?) has been hitting on me left and right, I am pretty sure they are almost thru. I ended up sleeping at her house on uh Monday night, I dont feel like dealing with any angry people. I didnt fuck her, but I fucked her and her friends up. Gotta love girls that love opiates… yum licky licky …
I just feel this anxiety hiding under my skin and I think I am starting to have opiate w/d and benzo w/d intermingle and let me tell you it sucks, stay away from drugs kids, shit yea right. I just dont know anymore about anything. I live day-to-day always in constant cycle of w/d and feeling ‘normal’ or normal as I know it. I truely have not been sober for longer than 10 days since I was 13 I am 28 now, be it pillls, booze, pot, or dope ahhhhhhhhhhhh I truely fucked up my brain and its normanl function.
I am ridden with anxiety, I am pretty sure it turns ppl off because they think I am being a dick or something which is just not true. I get so nervous around ppl, the other night I happen to be walking in a bar to lubricate my mind and I ran into a bunch of girls I havent seen for awhile and there all like… ‘Drew….Hi, gimme a hug’ and I just kinda took a step back than they were like why dont you want to hug me and I am like I do but… but what, so I hug her. I always think people are talking about me and I am pretty sure I have low self esteem as I have no self confidence but I know I am not fugly just used and abused.
And to top it off I ran out of weed today, and cant stock up untill tommoroow (its worth the wait, dry time). Corrupt, fuck this shit…
ladada la-la-da-da
Whatever…?
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Title: Fri Date:: 23-04-2004 at 18:10
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Sick, ugh…
I caught a little flu bug on Wends night and I have been feeling like shit ever since. Head is pounding, stuffy nose, etc. I am pretty sure that coca had a role in me getting the flu, as my throat was raw and nose fully stuffed up on Thurs. morning. Decent coke though fluffy shiney, slight smell of gasoline < -- hmmm. At least I didnt pay for it. Also smoking cig outside at 6am in a t-shirt freezing cold that night probably didnt help much.
I got a call from an old, old, g/f today and she is in rehab somewhere I forget and she has a pass to leave all day tommorrow and she wants me to come over and hang out and most likely wham, bam, thank you mam, which I could definetly use. I also am probably going to see my grandmother tommorrow IF my cold/flu starts to get better. I dont want to go over there and end up getting her sick again. I'll see how I feel tommorrow. To top it off its nice and sunny and I am sick wtf...
I took some oral steroids and started Amoxacillian (sp?) thursday. So most likely the cold will dissapear tonite as those 2 drugs will kill any cold. I am going to load up on liquid and pass out on the couch tonight...
Otherwise my dull life is unexciting as usual...
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Title: Sat. Date:: 24-04-2004 at 12:53
================================================================================Went out to play pool last night, a friend was moving to alaska so we hung out for a bit. I have a slight headache but I took some adderall to get me going this morning.
7 day drive to Alaska, thats plain long, extra gas tanks, speed, opiates, and he should have fun.
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Title: i dont know what day it is Date:: 26-04-2004 at 21:26
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[IMG]http://i1.bluelight.nu/g/506/20019Chicago_skyline.jpg[/IMG]
the secrets that lie behind those blackened windows should be told and others buried…
[size=1][i]Edited by blahblahblah on 04-27-2004 04:26 (CEST)[/i][/size]
Grandmas back in the hospital she is located to the left behind the small cluster of buildings about 6 miles back right outside the Loop, loop-de-loop
snaking by on lakeshore drive (LSD) for me and you…
[size=1][i]Edited by blahblahblah on 04-27-2004 04:28 (CEST)[/i][/size]
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Title: Wends… Date:: 28-04-2004 at 14:25
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Tried to wake up early, I set my alarm at 10am because it was supposed to be a nice day, which it is except the Windy City is standing up to its name (gusting to 50mph). I ended up getting up at around noon, took the dogs for a walk, feed the fish in the pond, sat in the sun. I just have to get motivated and take a shower/shave and crack a beer. Cubs game tonite and open mic should be a fun night. I feel like just getting d-d-d-drunk and watching the sunset on the banks of the river. Than when nightfalls I will venture into the public, careful to hide in the shadows, sliping and sliding…
Huh… what did you say…? KGB’s huh, Killer Green Buds the hooded kid mumbles his eyes concealed in a shaded darkness. As he walks the tell-tale sound of pills clinking in a amber (waves of grain) bottle breaks the silence. Orange, blue and white, bars, octagons, and circles dance in the palm of his hand, stress relievers, feel gooders. Well if you want to feel good, opiates you know… this one is well, you know xanax, are you doing coke tonight if you dont feel like staring at your ceiling as the sunrises this one will let you drift to sleep even as you are clentching your jaw… KGB’s KGB’s…. We all want them…
If you see something that looks like a star
And it’s shooting up out of the ground
And your head is spinning from a loud guitar
And you just can’t escape from the sound
Don’t worry too much, it’ll happen to you
We were children once, playing with toys
And the thing that you’re hearing is only the sound of
The low spark of high-heeled boys
The percentage you’re paying is too high priced
While you’re living beyond all your means
And the man in the suit has just bought a new car
From the profit he’s made on your dreams
But today you just read that the man was shot dead
By a gun that didn’t make any noise
But it wasn’t the bullet that laid him to rest was
The low spark of high-heeled boys
If you had just a minute to breathe and they granted you one final wish
Would you ask for something like another chance?
Or something similar as this? Don’t worry too much
It’ll happen to you as sure as your sorrows are joys
And the thing that disturbs you is only the sound of
The low spark of high-heeled boys
If I gave you everything that I owned and asked for nothing in return
Would you do the same for me as I would for you?
Or take me for a ride, and strip me of everything including my pride
But spirit is something that no one destroys
And the sound that I’m hearing is only the sound
The low spark of high-heeled boys
[size=1][i]Edited by blahblahblah on 04-28-2004 11:09 (CEST)[/i][/size]
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Title: wends… Date:: 05-05-2004 at 21:50
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I went out for beers last night and to watch the Cubs game (lost) and there losing tonight AGAIN, anyways after the game I started to get a headache and decided to stop at a friends house on the way home. They were watching 28 days later (which I never really liked) but I watched it anyways, smoked pot, headache went away. Took a sleeping pill, smoked a wee bit more ganja and than layed down in bed and listened to Coast-to-Coast (art bell).
I woke up at 9am didnt get out of bed untill 930, had a hangover (mainly from the sleeping pill, which I knew would happen if I didnt get 12 hours of sleep but I needed to sleep). I than went and visited my doctor, got refills on my scripts, and picked up some Clonadine to see if it will making dropping my dose of bupe easier (because its a damn bitch), than I proceeded to do jack fucking shit (sat on the computer allllll day, fun fun) I am so unmotivated.
Tonight is Cinco de Mayo and I dont feel like doing anything, open mic and the Cubs game is on, but I decided to stay home (I have been drinking to much, lol like there is to much for me) and listen to music while watching the Cubs game on mute.
I plan on going for a midnight ride on my mountain bike tonight, I am going to skid my way thru the trails, (just checked the stars are shining bright already, and its a full moon, at least it was last night) its nice when its about 2am and all is quiet and I am ripping around on my bike, warm breeze blowing and a pocket full of KGB’s. I’ll probably lay down in some field and watch teh stars and smoke a spliff.
I am really driving myself insane lately, I have been putting off getting a job for shit, 2 years hard, and about 5 years total. I KNOW if I get a job I would get on a normal schedual and be a little bit more productive, gain some weight, and pick up a girlfriend. The thing is I really dont want any of that, except for some extra weight (I love being thin sure beats being fat). Since the weather has started getting more nice the last month or so I have been telling myself just screw getting a job this summer. Summers are meant for relaxation, and thats my specialty.
I need to get a hair cut so fucking bad, I have been procrastinating (sp? do I care? NO). I usually cut my hair short in the summer, right now its long. I saw some ad in the newspaper the other night about a Cancer group wanting donations of hair (starnge) and they want 8-12 inches worth, I think I would feel better about myself if I help somebody out. I KNOW if I dont donate it and let it lay on the cutting room floor, I will feel guilty. Usually when I cut my hair the percentage of girls that hit on me go way up, I just dont know if I want a short buzz or if I want to keep it semi long. Oh well, decisions, decisons…
I just really dont know anymore. I should give a shot this weekend on stopping my dosage of buprenorphine all together. I am on such a small dose but its that last little bit that gets to me, and last time I tied I ended up getting smacked up which fucked up my tolerence to the bupe for a godamn week which I had to use mass xanax to counteract the w/d than the next week I was getting sick from xanax w//d’s and slight w/d from the opiates still. Sucks, but I got myself in this position. Its Mothersday on Sunday thats right so nix that detox as I have to go out to lunch/dinner with my mom and family, than I guess we are going to the hospital to visit my grandma (hopefully she will get out and go back home again). That means the last 2 holidays will be spent in the Hospital, well last time she was in a rehabilitaion hospital which is very different from Chicago hospitals (I forget which on e she is even in now). She had to have a frikkin spinal tap yesterday??!! WTF.? I havent talked to her in about 1 week and I feel kinda of guilty, I will definetly call her on the phone tommorow during the day.
I am going to set my alarm early again because I feel like waking up and going on a looooong bike ride. Its supposed to be warm 80’s (?) and I can damn well use some sun on my wintered skin, considering I really only go out in the night time for the last 6 months.
*Reminder
Call Joey and tell him to bring my golf clubs with him when him and donavan come up this weekend. I hope I am able to pass up on the smack they will most definetly bring up (all rock, beige color, really, really, good from what I hear). Brads graduation party is this weekend (It took him 5-7 years to finally graduate, I forget). His party is the same night as a huge party Hope invited me to in the Valley. 15 kegs, 30 gallons of mystery punch, 5 bands, girls a plenty, etc. The smart thing would be to go to the valley party that way I wont be tempted to get doped up with Joey and Donavan. Regardless I still have to get my clubs from Joey (I have a feeling he is going to try and snag them for the summer, get your own damn clubs from your house and than bring those up there, bastard). Such is life… blah
edit* I just changed my mind I am not going to ride my bike tonight, Kayson just called and wants to meet me at the train station in the late morning hour tommorow, which suits my plans just fine as my bike ride will be all the better… HOPE FOR SUN…
I feel slightly achey, its strange it comes and goes in waves and I am almost positive much of this is wrapped up in my crazy brain and I am causing the minor w/ds to manifest. Anyways I should have picked up my xanax from Walgreens actually I should do that now but I dont feel like it. Cooking some frozen TGIF’s potatoe skins and kicking back on the couch and watching movies sounds better…
ugh
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Title: fryday Date:: 07-05-2004 at 20:33
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Yesterday was a good day…
Rode about 10-15 miles on my bike, nice day outside. I ended up taking a blue telephone at about 11pm hanging out, listening to music, strong stuff. Had trouble sleeping went to bed at about 7am. Tonite I am still unsure what I feel like doing, maybe Ill go out maybe Ill rent a movie maybe I wont.
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Title: My head feels like its a kite on a string, and i dont know Date:: 13-05-2004 at 17:23
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Today is Thursday, yesterday was Wen…
I didnt take my dose of bupe Tuesday night and monday night I only took like .4mg (if that). Tuesday I met up with liam went on a bike ride in the woods, than went to watch the Cubs game they lost. I left and went to a bar to drink myself silly came home at a sleeping pill and puffed a big bowl and than listened to Jesus Son Soundtrack.
Had a hard time waking up the next day at 930am. Liam was over at 10 and we went to Brians house and took his boat down to put it in the harbor slip. Brand new boat, slick as hell, pumpin stereo, wood inlay, nice basically. He dropped frikkin 34K on a boat!!! (and he only likes coke).
So anyways we ripped in up on Lake Michigan all day got drunk as shit, caught some air off the waves blasted tunes. Than we thought we could outrun a storm, we were drunk as shit by than.
We didnt make it we got hit by a massive storm with land not in sight, we just buckled down got out the life preservers, and tried to hold the boat on course. It was fuct, Lightning 7-8 foot waves easy. It cleared up and we toasted some more beer. My pot stayed dry the whole time to Yea!…
Docked the boat and went to meet a friend for beers at a bar in on the northside, got drunkered, came home and did what I usually do.
Today made a day out of cutting the grass and listening to music with Ice cold beer, more thunderstorms. Reminds me I need to get my seedlings in the ground.
Right now I feel very weak, worn out, achey, slight anxiety, no bupe for almost 48 hours. I took some clonadine (.5mgs) eearlier and thats making me real slow and weak. I should go take some xanax and try to relax so I dont break down and take a tiny bit of bupernorphine. It wouldnt hurt… I would just set me back a day or so but fuk. I really dont know and I wish the sun was shining so I would be in a better mood
Listening to Younder Mountain String Band falling down drunk is what I should be tonight to get over the minor but very apparent w/d’s from goddam DRUGS AGHGHGHHG
I need to see a baseball game
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Title: Fryed day Date:: 14-05-2004 at 14:45
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Trying to get over this bupe w/d
feeling edgey but OK, went out last night solo and pounded pints my hands were shaking so bad but after I got 3 pints down in a1/2 hour and the xanax kicked in I started to feel better. I purposely go to this one bar when I feel this way because its alot more laid back and good music and people dont say anything if I look like hell and am shaking as I bring the glass to my lips. Ended up running in to some friends proceded to get loaded and played pool, there were chicks EVERYWHERE hot as shit to, Left with 2 girls I didnt even know but apparently one knew me, I hate that how I have met someone before and they come up to me and there all drew…. and I am uh do I know you, lol and the chick still came home with me well not home we went to a party after the bars and partayed into the wee-hours, the 2 girls spent the night, I had a good time, slap::: She gave me her number but I probably wont call, shes young 20 gotta luve that young stuff… 
oh well. Anyways…
Today I feel better already kinda, I wish it was sunny its frikin 50 degrees and rainy wtf it was 82 yesterday, blah… I have no idea what I will do tonight, I need to get out though so I dont sit around and dwell on the slight w/d I am feeling…
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Title: wends Date:: 19-05-2004 at 10:54
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still clean off bupe… minor aches, goosebumps even though its 80 degrees out, other than that I am doing great…
Open mic going to hear some good music tonite out there on the neon avenue…
I need to eat more, I chalk it up that my body is still going thru residual w/d’s. Its only been 7 days. I usually start gettin hungry again around this time. Been excercising alot lately, infact soon as I get off this damn computer and go out and enjoy the day, I will probably feel better. At least its not a grey cloudy day today.
ahh my back hurts
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Title: Thurs Date:: 20-05-2004 at 22:13
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Yesterday was a shitty day, I felt like shit from w/d’s. Got a call about my dad was rushed to the ER for stomach problems, he is all out of it, and I hope/pray this is relatively minor, but who knows. I have to drive him to some specialist tommorow, which is going to be interesting because we really dont talk much at all. Maybe we will speak 3 words to each other once a week, its really fuct up and pathetic and has been going on for years. It seems like its a stand off who will talk first.. lol wtf. I am sure my drug abuse hasnt helped.
Anyways…
Took 4mg of xanax and got sooo fucking drunk and after the bars I went to a party, first stopping to grab some reefer and than my friend mentions oh I got a bunch of mushrooms you want to try them out…? Now what kinda question is that of course I do. I think I took them around 2am. Strong shroom, intensely strong the visuals were nutz. I think I took roughly 4 grams I was fuct, to say the least. I took 100mg of seroquel at 7am finally dissapeared into a shaft of light and woke up at noon, came home. I was still out of it, passed out from 2pm to 7pm.
I feel ok now but I still detect minor w/ds in my neck and back/shoulders. Just a slight feeling somethign is not quite right YET. I have a feeling its going to take at least 2-3 weeks to get back to baseline… what is baseline though I have been high on opiates as long as I can remember. My appetite (sp?) is starting to come back and it should be no time now before I hopefully eat normal.?>/>,< ?
I didnt take any xanax today, just took 50mg of seroquel hopefully I will sleep tonight because I have to pick my dad up at 9:30 and I just dont know,. jk'
agh
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Title: fri Date:: 21-05-2004 at 12:44
================================================================================Well my dads back at the hospital and it looks like he is going to have to have part of his colon removed WTF. I am still in w/d and I am shaking, I think I might go score a lick of heroin. I really really dont want to but/// man. If this girl calls back Ill go with her if not I wont go/. goddamit
fuk shit wtf am I thinking I am 9 day sclean ugh
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Title: sat Date:: 29-05-2004 at 21:27
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Shits been fuct up all around me lately…
Family members with weird health conditions…
and old dope fiend friends causing typical dope fiend drama
I sit here and pound beers, debating what I wwant to do . what do think I am going to gewt fucking wasted and forget my troubles. Rubin walked the streets of New Orleans till dawn, Cherise so gently in his arms…
Sat night who knows what will happen, I am in a major funk. Not working (as usuall) partying real real hard lately. Everything is always around booze coke h pills x spped whatever.
I am thinking 2mg of xanax in about 1/2 hour 2 more beers stumble to the car and smoke a bowl of nuggets and wander myself into some trouble, lots of live music tonight. I enjoy going out solo sometimes I tend to get into trouble (good or bad) much eaiser with out any of my friends trying me down to a certain evening. i.e. lets shoot heroin and sit on the couch, lets get drunk and fuck chicks, lets smoke pot and watch tv and eat pizza, lets go out to the bars and pass out pills, lets get fucked up and lay in the 5am grass watching the moon watching me…
I havent eaten all day woke up at about 3pm smoked weed went to the hospital, stared at the morphine drip, fought off the urge to turn up the music and score some smack and slip of into a comfortable numbness, watched this old house with my dad.
I am not shaking thats good. lol but my head hurts and I should stay hoem but I wont, I stayed home yesterday. For the firsrt time in like a week.
To the painted mandolin
looking out on the crowd
at least I have a chuck of stinky KGBs and pills a plenty but thats typical whats not typical is this damn chillly weather.
do I really give a flying fuck about anything…?
No except for my parents lifes
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Title: wtf do i care Date:: 21-06-2004 at 20:13
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blahblahblah has been partying hard, opiated madness, benzos comedowns, girls, booze, and thats what tonite will bring.
hopefully I will nail this one chick tonite
wish me luck 
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Title: some random day saturday maybee Date:: 26-06-2004 at 18:41
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Got the chick, I have seen like 4 bands in 4 days and I am seeing another one tonight (Mr. Blotto). Going to some BBQ with katiemay, get drunk, etc. Been having a great time this past week, I dont think I have went to bed before 7am since, shit… Sunday night.
Should be a great night tonite.
Hope everybody is enjoying summer
overgrO
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Title: monday Date:: 28-06-2004 at 18:27
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Well my my dad supervised me all day had me out trimming and carving the hedges, shrubs, and eveerything else imaginable at their house. My arm is numb from the trimmer, but I think it might be because I havent taken benzos in 1 day, just took some so my arm better stop shaking or ill take more.
Perfect day out in the sun jammin tunes with my dad, he is going into the hospital for surgery again tommorrow and they ’say’ 3-5 day recovery time in the hospital and than another month at home, so it looks like my summers free and can be.
Im starting to like this chick I have been seeing katiemay we are meeting for drinks at 9 and than who knows what, I know Ill be drunk waaaaaaaay before 9. good times good friends life live it.
I wont get into drug bizness, and my intake lately cause frankly I dont give a fuk
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Title: wend Date:: 09-09-2004 at 18:53
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Well I havent wrote in here for awhile, life is OK I guess, thats it. I am drinking a beer typing and packing a bowl at the same time, I am going to go on a nice sunset bike ride by myself (thank god). Girlfriend is getting her eyebrows waxed and than will probably meet-up for some more beer. I am in a nostalgic mood for some strange reason. My good friend ‘P’ was sentenced today for 3 years and he was sitting in jail for the past year, god bless his soul. Summer is nearing an end as the leaves are starting to hang heavily on there worn stems. I need to find a girlfriend that I really actually like, I mean I like this one but there just isnt that ’spark’, I am attracted to her and she is a beautiful young girl but its just not my cup of tea. I have been back peddling in my mind how I am going to gently let her down. My last girlfriend I got sick of I just made her drive me to score smack and than I just proceeded to inject in front of her which I always hid from her before, that broke the ice and I just fidgeted around and made the cracks bigger untill a drug induced fall out.
This girlfriend is a nurse though and I catch her all the time scanning my arms for fresh injection sites, always asking where I was when I disapear, bitching at stupid shit, and basically following me around (thats what g/f’s do eh’) well I dont want my g/f to I like girls that are a little bit more independent. Do people settle for a mate that they dont find perfect in most traits or do ppl like people that I dont know…
the sun is sinking low and im in the mood for music
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Title: boring ramblings on my worthless life Date:: 20-10-2004 at 18:49
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Well I have to get a fricken root canal tommorrow and than eventually a filling and than a crown. I am not looking forward to this at all, I am tempted to score smack before the drilling begins but I just cant.
I went on a little bender used H for 7 days straight, multiple times a day, than took some methadone on the 8th day felt decent for 2 days than supllimented with buprenorphine (small doses 2-.5mgs) to help with any mental cravings. I also up’d my dosage on Klonapin to 4mgs a day, (I usually try not to take um, but my anxieties have been getting the best of me lately). In addition I filled a script for 60 1mg Ativans and a 30 5/500 Vicodin and those bottles were gone in 2 days.
Broke up with my girlfriend, last week (hmmm could my erratic behavior stemmming from opiate abuse the the root) I really didnt like her completely I am a picky motherfucker and I always can eventually find something wrong with someone. I drunkly called her at 2am talked for hours than she came over at 4 and we fucked till 6 (I didnt even cum, I could fucked her hard for another 2-4 hours, I was on heroin consequently because I decided to cop a bag Tuesday morning because it was a dreary day and I just wanted to, period. I woke up at 4pm today. My days are so backwards so is my life.
I am in a major slum and I better be on my toes as to not slip again and fall and tumble into the hole called hell. I really have just been borderline ready to say fuck everything, and just pack my hiking backpack and life like a bum, firstly probably hanging out in some shelters in the city, try to put my life in perspective, that kinda stuff that you see on the streets makes me so happy for my family and friends (evn though… ahh fuck it) anyways I would than head up to Washington or Oregon and dissapear into the green lush mountains. I dont want to work I havent worked forever I am such a fuck up I hate my life I drink daily for just about as long as I can remember. I have no motivation to do anything ANYTHING. I guess I could go back to school the only thing I find remotely interesting is religion and horticulture, maybee I could be a homeopathic herb grower in a crystal qurtz filled little lean to and I could just meditate all day and get back in touch with earth and mother mary who speaks words of wisdom. I would totally go for it but the main thing keeping me from launching a expedition is A) its fall/winter and I have no urge to go south B) I would have to get a few months supply of asthma medicine and benzos and thats it if it was summer I would be gone.
I am just so bored with my life, I think this is just rebound from using a lil’ opiates lately or I try to convince myself that. I do nothing that serves my life in a positive light. Pathetic
Anyways enough rambling bullshit
I am stoned got done eating meatloaf mashed potatoes, and peas, listening to some old Bob Marley bootleg, I doont feel like going out tonite and getting drunk as usual, I might get drunk at home I have been drinking way to much Gin lately. I do want to watch Kill Bill the second one because I wathed the first on the other day, I dont know… My ex-girlfriend I guess will probably call, I was drunk and high as hell when she stopped by and I probably broke down and agreeed I do enjoy being with her and I will hang out with her, she just wants me to tell her if I use or have cravings instead of hiding it. I was the one that told her to hit the road because she would always nitpick about my drug use just like my Mother and it would drive me insane. She didnt want to breakup. And now I go and call her drunk looking do get my dick sucked and arrrghhhh.
I havent answered the phone all day, its just ppl wanting to do something adn I dont want to do anything on this dreary rainy night exxcept get stoned and maybee fuck off on the computer and watch a movie.
ugh.
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Title: ugh Date:: 27-10-2004 at 19:01
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I Guess thats why they call it the Blues…
Don’t wish it away
Don’t look at it like it’s forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better
And while I’m away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won’t be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide
And I guess that’s why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why they call it the blues
Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I’m your man
Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself
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Title: Day before Thanksgiving )wend( Date:: 24-11-2004 at 21:08
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Slow day, we got hit with some snow probably about 3-5 inches. Enough to cover everything, heavy ass snow. It will make Turkey-Day so much better. I have been drinking since 5 its 9pm now, I snorted a small line of buprenorphine, took 4mg of klonapin, and got plenty stoned. KGB’s in full effect.
I am going out drinking to some bars, I might go to see Mr. Blotto play but the weather is pretty bad so who knows. Alot of ppl are back from ‘wherever’ they were so it should be an interesting night. Well I am off to snort a little bit more bupe, back a bowl and take a few tokes as I wait for my friends to arrive.
I hope I dont run into my ex-bitch g/f because I really dont feel like getting worked up and having my thanksgiving ruined, on second thought I will bring a bar of xanax with me, just incase.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING … gobble, gobble…
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Title: Tuesday the 14th of Dec. 10:29am Date:: 14-12-2004 at 10:56
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Well its been awhile since I have been up this early and it actually feels kinda nice. Same boring shit going on lately in my life, the usual madness. I went out and had a few drinks last night with one of my friends, she was feeling down because her grandmother is in the hospital and not doing well. ‘J’ came over and wrangled me in to doing some C, I than got drunk came home snorted some bupe and took a K-pin. Than I get the stupidest idea I have had in a long time. Call my ex-g/f and apologise for the way I treated her and how I have been acting toward her (ignoring her). I completely regret doing it now, thank god I just left a voice message and didnt actually speak to her. It kinda felt good to get some stuff off my shoulders although I do kinda feel like a apologetic loser. I made my intentions clear that I dont want to get back with her I just want to apologise for all the shitty things I did to her. (examples: took her car multiple times to score heroin, made her drive me to get heroin, when I tried to break it off multiple times she just couldnt take “I dont like you please leave my house NOW!!!” for an answer so I being the lowlife I am decided it would be a good idea to have one of her friends give me a ride home from a bar one night than proceed to deal on her a bit and when she left I told her to “make sure you tell Katie about this…”. Needless to say katie was pissed and that was the final straw. There are countless other things I did to her but anyways). So than the bitch (yea I still harbor rough feelings toward her) starts socializing with a circle of my friends that are on the fringe of my circles of ppl I associate with, granted I have known these ppl for 15+ yrs and she has only known them since I introduced her to them 3-4 months ago. So she has been showing up in my favorite haunts that I frequent and basically just kinda rubbing it in my face, yea yea I should be the bigger person and not be aggravated but fuck it still bugs me, I dont know if that was her intention or just the fact that she really doesnt have to many friends of her own and wanted new ones…? Regardless I know longer speak to those punks and I am barely able to contain my rage as personally I think an ass beating or 2 is in order but I refuse to stoop that low and give her the satisfaction of that.
Its kinda confusing as I still in-a-round-about-kinda-way still have feelings for her, which is strange because I really didnt like her all that much she was basically in my eyes a ’summer fuck’ but I guess she kinda grew on me. I am debating on whether to answer when she calls or just ignore the call. I did get out most of what I wanted to say on the voice mail but there is a part of me that wants to say it to her face, but I have a feeling if I talk to her or even acknowledge her presence when I see her it will just be a matter of time before I let her start sucking on my dick again, which will lead me right back to the start again. I am not going to get snaggled into a relationship again with a person I find semi-attractive (although most of my friends say I am crazy for letting her go, but hey there not me). A upside of the relationship was that she occupied alot of my time and was very supportive in helping me stay ‘clean’ (off opiates mainly). That effort she made was a double edge sword on her part allthough it was nice at times other times she just took it way to far. (i.e. freaking out when I used coke, amps) she didnt care if I popped pills, drank like a fish, did psychedelics, etc. It was ok if I took opiate based pillls but heroin or methadone it was a different story. I just got sick of her nagging and resentful behavior and cut it off. blah enough of that boring dribble.
Today, I have no plans what-so-ever and I am out of weed 
Tuesdays is a slow night out on the town and I usually dont bother to go out as I prefer to wait untill humpday. So who knows what I will do, I feel pretty lazy right now maybee I will take a nap or possible go job hunting for a bullshit little job to occupy some of my time. God I wish I could go back and not make that phonecall last night I feel like a apologetic wimp, who the fuck cares right? Whats done is done and thak god I made it clear I didnt want to get back with her (although in some fuct up way I do), thinking back the message might have seemed a little bit like it was all about me, that I wanted to get some stuff of MY chest so I could feel better and move on in peace. Oh well… thats the breaks.
Cold day today. f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g-c-o-l-d.
thats it
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Title: Still tuesday Date:: 14-12-2004 at 17:29
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Katie-May ended up calling twice both times I missed the calls as I was sleeping and second one I was running with the dogs in the woods. Cleaned my room, just about to eat supper and drinking some Cognac which is making me nice and warm. I decided I am going to go out tonight and get drunk with a few friends. I’ll probably bring some bupe with me just incase anybody wants a taste, I probably should go get weed but I dont feel like bothering as I am sure I’ll get stoned at the bar. I never really go to this place that I am going tonight so hopefully I wont be running into katie-may. Although after a handful of drinks I am sure I will want to run my dick into her mouth, but I should focus my efforts on finding a new chick.
No klonapin yet today, I am going to try and fill that void with alcohol tonight instead and lots of it, ok my stomach is grumbling and my nose is twitching for a bump or 4 of some bupe to get my pin points in chick scanning mode. Maybee I will take a shower maybee I wont, god do I live dangerously. lol
Music: Blind Melon - Lemonade (1995-09-25 Minneapolis, MN. - 1rst Ave.)
suppertime ‘ding ‘ding’ding
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Title: x-mas eve morning Date:: 24-12-2004 at 10:02
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Ugh I am still drunk, just had a nice early morning puke and I cant see straight. Did way to much coke llast night I am a class-A wreak. I have way to many pills and I fucking sure dont want to go to relatives house today.
God help this insane hangover.
pretty pretty please with cherry on top and drizzzled with hash oil.
Lick that bitch
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Title: x-mas day Date:: 25-12-2004 at 22:08
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God thank god the holidaze are over. ugh I hate um
I stayed in bed mainly all of x-mas eve, and than I woke up at 5p.m X-mas day (I think that might be a record for the latest wake-up I have had for x-mas). I boycotted presents this year and told nobody to buy me anything but I still have a huge stack of 15-25 presents waiting to be opened, which I am not going to open. I dont want ppl giving me stuff. My mind is numb, I have been very deppressed lately and I KNOW a doctors visit is in order.
I have been losing money sooo much lately I think I have lost 50-100$ since Thursday, I hate that, I blame it on mass valium consumtion. In other news I have done coke (un-willingly): Monday, Tuesday, Wensday, and Thursday. ugh probably why I have a cold. Just took 60mg of Valium, 16mg of bupe snorted in about 15 small lines, 3mg of xanax, and a bowl of good weed. My head is in a fog.
I am bitter at everything, I need help
bahhhh hum bug
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Title: Tuesday (pre-testing NYE treats) Date:: 28-12-2004 at 21:48
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9:38 p.m. Acid test, strange cartoon drawing purple background didnt get to see the full sheet, just a 10-square. It was that or liquid but I passed on that. ’shrugs’
T- 1 hour
till I giggle and do what one does while his pupils are the size of saucers, no not saucers from outer-space but rather a coffee cup saucer. In hindsight it just might be those pesky space-saucers, just not the ones that carry aboard the Almond shaped droned-out clones who inject gleen slime into there cellular wall in order to sustain life…?
Crazy week I have been shooting coke for a few days, this morning I did a wake up coke shot, than pop’d 50mg of Valium, scored some smack (first time in while), andgot smacked up as fuk, this lsd ‘idea’ came out of the thin blue sky.
edit: 10:31 its starting I feeeeeeeel it, but I am having a hard tim e keeping my eeeyes open, Oh Boy… heee haww hippy dippy and its a clear night and the starts are shining bright. maybee I will go out and go for a moonlight drive (ok moonlite walk) and smoke a nice galss bowl of some killer local indoor AKA ‘The Cough’
Ahhhh yea
Huh…?
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Title: recap Date:: 29-12-2004 at 20:45
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Test turned out A-ok for the small sample I tested I still had pesky neon outlined ppl peeking out at me thru my closet, but thats to be expected huh?
Well 50mg of valium in whoops 60mg I mean a couple beers, soon I will get off my lazy ass and hit up some bars and party like its 2004
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Title: blah Date:: 01-01-2005 at 19:43
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Good NYE as usual blow jobs by a girl named Heidi (I made her put pigtails in, because when I meet a chick named Heidi I think pigtails, and the sound of music) plus I need something to hold on as I was getting major orgasmic pleasure form the lsd/mushie combo and I didnt wanna have her choking on my cock althoug sometimes I like that, you like that bitch swallow that sausage, cum dripiing of her lips, yum.
Coke/valium/xanax/ambien/buprenorphine and another blowjob cap’d the early morning sunrise.
I just feel lazy, and I stupidly told some friends I would meet them at the bar, in 20 minutes and i dont feel like going but these guys are begging and whining about psychedelics, let them have there fun right? Thats what I figure.
SO I guess I should get off the computer fill one of my pill bottles up, pack a big bowl and smoke myself silly and sip a beer or 10. I should rest but fuck I dont wanna deal with shit tonight, but thats what friends are for huh?
*edit Im not going anywhere, let them come to me. Im to stoned to move, and its raining and I didnt feel like changing out of my pajamas
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Title: Ramble on Rose Date:: 04-01-2005 at 20:46
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Well my dad called me up and told me he made an appointment for me to see a psychologist this Friday? Thanks for seeing if I had any plans mid-day first (even though I dont). I asked why do you want me to see him, he replied “Maybee he can help you get out of your slump”…. Arghh
A new psycho-bable I am going to have to listen to and bullshit with, and of course not being stupid he didnt get me another psychiatrist (because he knows Ill just try to scam drugs which I would). I suppose I could lay out my problems to somebody who hasent heard them but what am I going to hear that I havent already. Are they going to talk me out of my fuct-up mindframe/drug addicted/not-giving-a-shit attidude. He already tried to push me to get a job before x-mas (which didnt happen because I dont want to work).
Than I ask him how do you know this guy, he says hes good Ive used him before, Great. So, know I will probably hold back for fear that this guy is buddies w/ my dad and will tell him something. Shit whatdoes it matters my parents know absolutely everything concerning my life (I hide nothing) They know I am a addict, shit they fund my habit.
Crack my spine and call me crazy
Doctors, pills, WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END.
I think I am going thru a rough patch ever since I dumped my ex-g/f. Thats a whole different headache I wont get into. I need a haircut, just a trim, Its strange haveing short hair I forgot how you have to maintain it once a month now.
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Title: tidbits Date:: 07-01-2005 at 17:40
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Quick little upates:
I tried to get in a fight with my ex-g/f’s new b/f (or whatever the fuck he is) and 2 of his freinds which were all my old friends till I introduced her to them, they wouldnt fight so I spit right in one kids face, and said now you wanna fight bitch, talk shit to my face or not at all. Telling me I live in an alternate reality, Yea fuck you too. They still wouldnt fight. Bitches. That is sooooooooooo out of character for me (I have never even been in a fight, ever) I blame it on being on a 12pak a few shots of vodka and 60mg of Valium and 2mg of Klonapin.
ANother night after the bars some chick invited me back to her place to get stoned, little did she tell me she had a b/f sleeping in the backroom. He woke up was being abrasive and I realize why his chick wanted my cock and it was obvious so he gave me some weed I gave him something else and when he got a baggie he pulled a screwdriver out and held it up to my neck and said Ill kill you if dont leae my chick alone, jeeez sorry buddy just smoking some weed, chill out. Before that he was talking about dismembering ppl and killiing ppl of-the-wall-shit that I am not even remotely inclined to hear. I was freaked the fuck out, I split quicker than a torando’s wind speed. Fuct up ppl I swear. (Ironic I just now noticed how I did basicaly the same thing, ugh)
I had the wrong dat on the doctors appt. my dad set up for hiim and I to work on your issues. I was asleep when he came to the house to get me at 4:45pm I was a wreck, anxiety was instanly brought on, and it sucked but it did help my dad understand a bit on what goes on through my head. We have another appointmetn in a couple of weeks and I am supposed to take steps to finding some sort of job that I feel like I could handle, untill I stabilize and start school again. Which I am lost on what I want a masters in I am thinking Literature, but who knows. It nice hearing my dad tell me dont worry about work, worry about your head-space, I help you out with whatever you need, a new car, edumaction money (I dont take student loans), so stuff is looking brighter.
Tonight should be a good night, my friend and I are going over to his now g/f who used to me me g/f a decade ago and her friend is staying the week at her place another g/f of mine from a decade ago. So it should be interesting. I took 8mg of Klonapin sublingual I feel relaxed and I just have to get up and shower and shave and get stoned but I will listen to music and post on BL for a bit longer
[size=1][i]Edited by blahblahblah on 01-10-2005 09:06 (CET)[/i][/size]
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Title: Headache Date:: 13-01-2005 at 07:58
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I am teeter-tautering on having a cold and not having a cold, I do have a BIG headache and I ran out of weed last night, its to early at the moment to score weed, so I guess I will snort a line of bupe, take an iron pill, multi-vitamin, anti-biotic, and a xanax. Than hopefully sink into the couch and melt away and forget about my petty existence.
My spacebar is sticking and its giving me a bigger headache
I have been telling myself to take it easy this week but of course I havent, TONIGHT I will rest. My lung hurt and its shitty out (whats new)
I have been having the most intense dreams lately, 3 nights in a row I have been drenched in sweat. The last fraction that I remember was I was in a friends garage and he wouldnt let me leave because I wanteed to cop drugs and I was getting mad, I finally escaped and woke up with a pounding headache.
ugh…
I need a MAJOR change, quickly or I think I just might go insane. God what I would’nt give to just have my life end naturally and let me continue my voyage off of this plane of existence. I just dont see anything worthwhile out there for me.
Headache—> Couch —> Hopefully Sleep till late afternoon —> Probably wont happen because once I am up I am up.
I do have a slight craving to get some smack and just ease my aching mind, a new flower shop opened around the corner called KaBloom, maybee I’ll go up there and see if they have any pods, green tea + pods sounds good. Im a rookie at pod tea as fuck it I wont bother.
I could be in a much worse position if I think about it actually I am lucky to be in the position I am in but i take sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for granted its pathetic really. I really should figure out wher I want to finish my schooling at, in the city eh’ out of state hmm’ in the mountains yea’
If its all night, its gotta be alright. Night and Day
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Title: Dream Date:: 18-01-2005 at 13:58
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Strange dream…
I moved to a new neighboorhood and the house was nice and big built in a Dr. Suess manner, I remember one of my sisters friends there, but I woke up in my dream (I was sleeping in my dream) and ventured outside, at first all seemed good ppl were all riding ATV vehicles and it had a strange downtown strip that was connected to a hospital and a school of some sort. Everybody was my age and seemed like they were from the boone-docks of kenntuky or something, the started chasing me on there snomoblies and TAV’s I was hopping fences trudging thru koi ponds, saw quite a few cute girls, than finally I ran into the street and stoped a cop. The cop was driving like a 1970’s Lincon limo (all boxy) there were 3 fat cops (1 girl cop) sitting in the fromt seat the had all these weird horns on the car like [back to my Dr. Suees comment earlier]. I ran from them and last thing I remember was that I jumped into a meg-shift shed which had no door and I had to burst thru the insulation that was pink and had little pink panthers all over it, once I got out I saw our house again and 3 new ones being built next to ours. They were 4-5 dtories tall dark marron color and curvey roofs and generall asthetically good looking. I was wonder the whole time why I moved here.
Dream befreo last night:
I found a italian deli (that sold cold-cuts) but in the bathroom was an underground sales shop of Reachers Chemicals he had them all layed out in a small tray (something that you would see little polished stoned hanging out in) I remember that he gave me a sample of DMT crystals to sample and a strnge purpel capsule that was kinda hexagonal shaped. I met my longtime friend there (who lives in Colorado and havent seen in years). I left riding my bike anxious to try to smoke the DMT, I distintively remember thinking about what should I smoke this out of and I kept thinking about a lightbulb vaporizer, instead I settled for a tinfoil pipe and I smoked on a rivers edge.
Thinking back these somewhat remind me of a place i have been in my dreams before an island that was inhabited by large animals (deja–vu)…
Strange strange dreams. I didnt wake up sweating, I even woke up once around noon and consciously thought this is to strange not to go back to bed to see what happens and I fell asleep for another hour and the dream continued in its insanity. At this moment I am getting flash backs of other dreams I have had
weird.
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Title: blah day Date:: 26-01-2005 at 11:15
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Ever since I opened my eyes this cold, overcast morning I knew it was going to be a rough morning. My eyelids shot open at 8:00am and the first thoughts in my head concerned my dreams (which I forgot) the second thoughts, ah what a good day to go score some heroin. Than I start thinking in the back of my head about random dope spots, and the build-up to when I am going to bang, and just the sheer relaxation it provides. I thought about going to get some hot chocalate in River Forest/Oak Park afterwords. Its almost like I see myself acting out on this stupid little dope thoughts. I definetly want to act out on them but than I will pay the price in a few days when I cant sleep or I am going thru more of my other meds.
I hate days like these where I am teetering on the line, I even smoked a little pot and snorted a tad bit of buprenorphine, but I guess I need more today. My klonpin use has skyrocketed the last few weeks and I have been topping out at 8mg, I have been seeing a counsler with my Father (to help us communicate better?) I swear sometimes, I am just ready to give up but cant because of others. Anyways, this counsler wants me to see another psych. to try to sort some stuff out with my meds. Good luck, because I am not getting of Klonapin.
God, I sound like a Grade A nut and sometimes I truely believe it. Things have been going alot better, I just got some dinky job at a resteraunt so I can have some damn structure in my life. I dont do anything except for go out and get loaded or do it at home. I suppose I should be exited about that but I am not in the least, in fact it seems to be inducing more anxiety (or am I wanting it to induce more anxiety?). I suppose everything wil work out smoothly, IF I can manage to stay away from heroin. Everrytime a situation presents itself, a new car, a new job, here some money, more school, etc. I always revert back to escapism thoughts of using heroin, I know that everything will be ok when I use but it the followiing days that throw me for a loop I will most likely feel like I am feeling today and decide fuck it I am going to score and than next thing you know I’ll be chippin (using 2-3 times a week) and I know that wont last for but a week before its an everyday deal. Fuck it…
So I have to start to decide what I want to go back to study, I am slightly thinking UIC has a very good ‘Pharmacology School’ and god I dont even like thinking about going back to school it leaves a bit in my stomach. I cant lay around and do nothing forever (will see about that), I dont want to work a normal 9-5 job, so my other opition is to go back to school and maybee get a new degree in Literature (bach) or continue with my bach of psych and go the pharmacology route. I just dont know, but one thing I know if I fuck up this time around, thats it I will be cut off from all access to money from my parents.
So I leave my thoughts on that rather absurd point and take a little biit more buprenorphine and try to relax.
I have no idea what I feel like doing today I am already extremely bored, I dont feel like watching TV or movie, or playing on this damn computer, or going out and buying some new shoes and pants I need, but I do feel like going out tonight and getting drunkard (I havent drank since Friday, and I think that might have induced some edgeyness also). I’ll see if I can muster up my lazy bones to take a shower and go to the bar after dinner, I kinda feel like starting early today, 3-4-5 latest.
Ahh well…
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Title: Weirdo Checking in … Date:: 28-01-2005 at 10:54
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Well I start fucking working in 1 hour and 15 mins. and I feel nervous (which sucks) I medicated with 6mg of Klonapin (subligual), 3-4 mg of bupe (insufflated), I think I might pour myself 1-3 shots and take them now to give a little bit more punch to the benzos, (I thought about smoking some weed, but I might get weirded out and I dont have alot left so I figure I will just get stoned after, its supposedly a short day, he said I will work (a couple hours…?) Now what does that mean 12pm -4 or 12pm - 2 ahhh I worry about stupid shit, K-pins are kicking in a hot shower and a shot are in order. That will give me time to shower, shave, and remove the alcohol from my breath, and eat a quick lunch, I have only 1mg of Xanax to take 20min prior to walking in. Hopefully I will work with some young hot girls. Working a couple hours a week wont kill me, shit. I just get so worked up for nothing. I almost went and scored some heroin yesterday so I would have some to do RIGHT NOW, but no I dont have any. Heroin would have made me click just right, but I might have been to fucked up but alas I will never know.
Reminder: Need to pick up more Suboxone, Xanax, and weed.
This weekend is going to be as low key as possible for me, I dont feel like doing shit so I probably wont, but I know how that goes. 8 hours from now I am sure I will be rear’n up to go out or something.
God I am nervous, first job I have had in 6 years!!! Thank god I picked a slack-the-fuck-off type of job that pays shit money, but money is not what I am looking for, I am looking for some structure and piece of mind. I think the guy that interviewed me looked at me a little strange when I said I dont care what you pay me, I just want some structure in my life. His next question was… Do you like Led Zepplin… Duh. What kind of question is that, which leads me to believe he is into some funky bizness. Its a mom and pop bizness so its easy going, I just hope there is some pretty eye candy to look at.
ECK I cant believe I have a job (i feel like crying and laughing and patting myself on the back and say good job’ [yea right]).
Wish me luck in work, I need it, wish my bad will if you want but its all ok with me.
Ahh thank god for medication
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Title: update to those that are so bored they read my journal Date:: 28-01-2005 at 11:45
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ok low mellow buzz, took another 2mg of k-pin, 3 glasses of whine and 2 hits of KGB’s. I feel good bring on the new job.
15 min till I should be at the job… I hope I am not late,
Later
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Title: more blahness Date:: 31-01-2005 at 12:11
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Well shitty week-end…
I got let go from my job, (they said they were overstaffed) yea fuck joo too. Anyways…
Most of this weekend thrus-sund is a hazey blurr, I worked fri. shortly than went and cop’d H but I was blocked from getting high from the bupe, so I saved some for the next day when I had to work Sat. So I know I banged some H and than took some pills but for the life of me I cant rememeber what I took or if I took some. I was real outgoing at work perhaps too outgoing… shrug’ woo is me, this is why I refuse to work. So than I went and cop’d more H after work Sat. after work and than had to go out with my parents and grandparent, her b/f (or whatever), my sister and her husband and his mother. I met up at my parents house and I wuickly ran up to my room there are injected my dope. I woke up with my Mother slapping my head, she grabbed the needle and mumbled something I dont remember and get up now dont let your father see you like this, we are leaving to go out to supper. I was wasted at supper and I suspect my family now thinks I am using again. I can conduce that using was in someway related to me getting a job and than wanting to ease the anxiety with H (I do it everytime, Its like I sit back and watch myself in 3rd person doing the same shit over and over again). Its almost like I self-destructed my job on a conscious but subconscious level, bah hum bug… I told my Mother on the phone today about how I lost my job and she said, “Tell it to your shrink”… ahhh shit whatever.
So now the job hunt continues HAHA yea right. I am in a major funk and nothing is getting me out of it, one second I am I think I am progressing the next I fucked shit up again. Ahh Why me?
So it has been a depressing morning I doubled my dose of bupe so I wouldnt even think about coppin some H and took a 6mg sublingual dosage of K-pins, and I think I might start drinking red wine now, to ease me a bit.
The only thing I have going for me is that I am not strung out on heroin, (I do have small miniscule bupe habit but thats not even an issue).
Man, I think I think to much or not enough.
FUCK -
I really just dont know sometimes.
Gone are the days when the ox fall down
he’d take up the yoke and plow the fields around
Gone are the days when the ladies said “please,
gently Jack Jones won’t you come to me?”
Brown eyed women and red grenadine
the bottle was dusty but the liquor was clean
Sound of the thunder with the rain pouring down
and it looks like the old man’s getting on
In 1920 when he stepped to the bar
he drank to the dregs of the whiskey jar
In 1930 when the Wall caved in
he paid his way selling red eye gin
Brown eyed women and red grenadine
the bottle was dusty but the liquor was clean
Sound of the thunder with the rain pouring down
and it looks like the old man’s getting on
Delilah Jones was the mother of twins
two times over and the rest was sins
Raised eight boys, only I turned bad
Didn’t get the lickings that the other ones had
Brown eyed women and red grenadine
the bottle was dusty but the liquor was clean
Sound of the thunder with the rain pouring down
and it looks like the old man’s getting on
Tumble down shack in Bigfoot County
Snowed so hard that the roof caved in
Delilah Jones went to meet her God
and the old man never was the same again
Brown eyed women and red grenadine
the bottle was dusty but the liquor was clean
Sound of the thunder with the rain pouring down
and it looks like the old man’s getting on
Daddy made whiskey and he made it well
Cost two dollars and it burned like hell
I cut hick’ry to fire the still
Drink down a bottle and you’re ready to kill
Brown eyed women and red grenadine
the bottle was dusty but the liquor was clean
Sound of the thunder with the rain pouring down
and it looks like the old man’s getting on
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Title: this isnt what day it would be if it wasnt what day it is Date:: 04-02-2005 at 16:40
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Well I just realized its Friday, I was thinking that it was Thursady this whole afternoon, hrmmpp. I guess thats a good thing, for my schedual this evening has changed. I was planning on sitting on the couch getting high now I am going to go out and get high whoopie big difference.
Except on the couch there usually isnt a parade of good looking chicks passing by me, it is actually good for me to get out tonight and than relax on sat. to prepare myself for some ‘Super’cough’Bowl Party on Sunday.
My mood has peaked since realizing its the weekend, ahh well
back to wasting time till the sun falls. I really should shower and shave but instead I might just continue to listen to music pop xanax, klonapin and buprenorphine than smoke some pot and maybee lay down on my bed and blast some Jimi cutting-room floor tapes or maybee some Stones, maybee I should pour my self a drink if its the stones. hrmpp decisions.
I saw a new shrink the other day and she put me on Hydroxyzine (Vistaril) to help with my social anxiety or at least to help in my quest for feeling normal, I am actually kinda hopefull with this med as it seems it might help a little bit, I havent filled the script so I am not sure yet. She also gave me more Seroquel, trazadone, Ambien, and a small dose of xanax, and Cymbalta (some anti-d) that I probably wont bother to take but maybee its what i need its ne of the few I havent tried.
Scripted meds:
Klonapin: 2mg x4 times daily
Xanax: 2mg as needed
Xanax: .5mg x2 daily
Trazadone: 100mg as needed for sleep
Seroquel: 25-100mg as needed for sleep
Ambien: 10mg as needed for sleep
Vistaril: 75mg
Cymbalta: 30mgs
Buprenorphine: 1-2mgs a day as needed
Not to mention all the non-scripted narcotics I am a space-case no wonder I cant remember what day it is let alone spell very well.
[color lime:green buds][i]Edited by blahblahblah on 02-04-2005 11:48[/color ASH]
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Title: blah Date:: 08-02-2005 at 12:50
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Nothing exciting as usual, still in a depressive slump. Eating way to many pills, had a few slip ups with the needle lately which comes back to screw me (like today).
I just dont feel like there is anything out there for me my mental state is complex to say the least. Soon as my eyes open in the afternoon I get the same thoughts, fuck I am going to have to suffer thru another day of crap, I wish I was dead and then the second thought hits me, I dont feel right. Than I try to gauge if I am feeling sick from opiates or benzos or just sick in the head. The pills help but I know its not the answer.
I am so hopeless, I am not going drinking tonight, I am out of weed, lost a bunch of xanax somehow, no way to meet new ppl except for bars (which I have been sick off since I was 19). I just have to get on my feet, a simple bullshit job is all I need, thats it, I use anxiety as an excuse.
I know if I put off getting a job any longer I wont get around to registering for school this up coming semseter and that is an absolute must this time. Although I am uninterested in much academics, and my Father has a hard time justify’n spending 15K for an art school when I have screwed him sooo many times with tuition only to revert back to being a smack head and fucking school off and leaving him with the bill. I do feel a strong pull toward Art school. I just have to sit down with good ol’ pa one ight and get a couple of beers and explain what my goals are (goals huh what arre those?). I know if I but up a worth while presentation he will be all for picking up the tab, but the thing is I have done this @ least 4-5 times where I restarted school only to say fuck it but I think this time is different.
At least I am luck to have the options to do what I want, sometimes I get to down on myself but I KNOW there are plenty of others out there situations that are way way more sad adn pathetic than mine, but like the saying goes ‘you take the small things for granted’ or is it ‘dont sweat the small stuff, everything is small stuff’ < -- some lame book I have been reading.
Maybee I will go to the book store today, maybee I wont do a goddamn thing
/end of self pity rant
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Title: slump Date:: 10-02-2005 at 17:40
================================================================================bored and feeling achey. I am going to go eat sme BBQ chicken and than pop a few pills and go out and get absolutely shitfaced
thats it
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Title: why me Date:: 11-02-2005 at 16:18
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Today I am tettering on the brink of insanity (as I know it), an innocent night of beer drinking turned into crack-smoking/injecting, speedballs shooting stars. I feel not right, my meds are not working for somereason today, I took some bupe to help alleviate some of my opiate w/d feelings funnny how 17 hours after getting high I am immediately feel (dope) sick. I hate my life and I am not even pushing a habit just chipping, it leaves me so empty. I really dont know what to do, I want to cry so bad but my emotions are unexistant. Sad its real fucking sad I just hope the bupe I took 5 min ago doesnt throw me into w/d. I fought off the urges to go and score smack this afternoon. I am lonely pathetic and lost. The only thing that gives me hope is this strange image of the Virgin Mary that keeps popping into my head (white lacey robe, sad look on her face but yet she raditates a violet colored beam from her 2 hands that are covering her heart. I cant even be content for 5 minutes to try to lay in the sun and meditate on positive energies and wash my body clean. I can not maintain living like this much longer, I am sure things will be better tommorow but its right now I am uneasy about. Music isnt helping, which it usually does.
Besides the alternating vision of Mother Mary I have other visions of the ghetto and shady characters and broken bottles and creme brulle torches and tinfoil and spoons, and sitting in some car in the dark of night waiting for some young kid to fix me up. Its almost like I am fighting good and evil in my head at the same time and let me tell you evil is pretty powerful. Yes I am equating drug abuse to evil (sue me). I dont know where I am going with this ramble but I just have to do something and typing seemed the best thing as NOTHING else is working. I have came to face the fact I am a loser and I just need to overcome that. Its the weekend I think friday yup. I dont feel like doing anything but I am out of weed and that causes me to be distraught. My mind is just not fuunctioning how I think it should be I feel like I am in the theme song of Willy Wonka - Pure Imagination
COME WITH ME
AND YOU’LL BE
IN A WORLD OF PURE IMAGINATION
TAKE A LOOK
AND YOU’LL SEE
INTO YOUR IMAGINATION
WE’LL BEGIN
WITH A SPIN
TRAVELLING IN THE WORLD OF MY CREATION
WHAT WE’LL SEE
WILL DEFY
EXPLANATION
IF YOU WANT TO VIEW PARADISE
SIMPLY LOOK AROUND AND VIEW IT
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, DO IT
WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD
THERE’S NOTHING
TO IT
THERE IS NO LIFE I KNOW
TO COMPARE WITH PURE IMAGINATION
LIVING THERE
YOU’LL BE FREE
IF YOU TRULY WISH TO BE
IF YOU WANT TO VIEW PARADISE
SIMPLY LOOK AROUND AND VIEW IT
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, DO IT
WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD
THERE’S NOTHING
TO IT
THERE IS NO LIFE I KNOW
TO COMPARE WITH PURE IMAGINATION
LIVING THERE
YOU’LL BE FREE
IF YOU TRULY
WISH TO BE
I feel like a hollow shell of a person, I dont want to drink tonight although I know it will ease my discomfort, I should go to an NA meeting because I am at a breaking point. I can not fall into the venus opiated fly trap. I need help, some how but how I see 3 doctors + a psychologist as is, on a shit loads of medicine, all my friends are drug friends, all my real friends steer clear when I party hard because they have given up on trying to get me to see the light but I see the light I just cant move to get into it. I am going to call a ‘real’ freind after I am done with this and just tell him how bad I am feeling, I know he will be like well lets go have a couple of beers. This is the worst I have felt in awhile. And i dont know where to turn I feel so hopeless. The one thing that seems to bring hope into mylife is heroin at that is truly pathetic. Oh baby baby its a wild world…
I could chalk it up to end of winter typical deppression but I just think I think about it to much as all I have is time, time, time, I hate time. I hate myself. I just dont know…
Please say a prayer for me I need it desperately, more than you can imagine. Yea yea my lifes in shambles but at least I am not locked up in jail or dead or locked down i a rehab facility which has happened to more friends than I care to think about at the moment. I know I can pull through tthis I just need ’something’ what that something is I havent a clue but I know drugs are not the answer. God my mind is swirling with bullshit, I just put the gist of it in my journal as I dont get to specific but let me tell you I live in fear of waking up each day …
ok that helped a little bit but not much. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
/end of self pity self serving bullshit babble
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Title: wends. Date:: 16-02-2005 at 17:30
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Tis’ the evening to get drunkard, who knows where the night will lead…
I woke up late today 4:00pm, had a hard time sleeping last night beacuse of the lack of pot. I’ll be at the bar in an hour or so, 2.5 hours after waking ugh. I’m cleanly shaven so the chicks might be there for me, although I did get laid the other night V-day (totally unexpectedly), 1rst time with a lady 10 years my elder, it was interesting, but thats that. I need to take my Klonpin right now so by the time I hit the bar I will be anxiety free and my bupe and and and and and adn and and and adandand and anaa adn anad ad an dandadan dand adna d adn anddddd-dandilion
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED + a cutie’s # I have been wanting for awhile. Its sucks I never approach chicks, I let them come to me sometimes the wait sucks, but its been paying off goood lately. I cant wait till my next summer time g/f. Fuck her suck her suck me rolling around in the morning dew.
d-
r-
o-
P
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Title: ramble as I wait for the clocks hands to move Date:: 21-02-2005 at 17:45
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Dizzy with excitement…
Vegitable man
multimilionaire pentargam [money green]
dirty money
Galacitcal education
Latexed bumbling poppy twisted in the full moon, [chrome headlight in the sky]
Smashed bottle looking for a fight
slash/roar of the engine
A pile of leaves to rest his head
the particles of paint are suspended in a cloudy haze
as the Hallucinagenic writing better known as graffiti
gets sprayed on the the railroad car.
Faded out colors bring the 3-D image of the tag ‘Resin’
dust mask abound on the faces
Dialated pupils peak out from the brims of there horned hats
as rainbow pixels dance on the metal.
Ear to the trax, the rumble is abound.
Krylon mean green
Hey doc how ’bout a script…
Bubles froming backwords in the deep woods as I pack a pipe a blow smoke rings enjoy comfort of the Gnomes jumproping thru the maddness that rips my sweaty body.
A pill for that tit for tat
peptic ulcer
I waste my time as I will be soon take some pills snort some pharmy meds and pack my pipe and go to take the pool sharks on
Droollll drips into your FACE
I am done and soon I will be loaded
memories on the railroad trax of life
cheers to rock shots and outdoor maryjane
cheers to me and cheers to you
yesterday was just a day to past the time away
as the same can be said of today
to many phone calls I dont want to talk
ring-in-my head
shoot me to the moon
Its seems later than it is and that is looping me for a throw
cold shivers
and aching joints
perepetual w/d
The cabin neslted down near Johnsons Pond hold fond memories
cabin fever
suspened motion
reverse my tape play me backwards
because you wont play me any other way, tricked out played
wise to your young stupidy
I laugh as you dont realize the obvious
Turn it up, get me a beer.
I need a shower, shave, and some intoxication I WILL NOT allow my self to lip into the darkside of drugs tonite although the opportunity is always with-in grasp today is not the day
dis combobulated dis joint dis membered dis gusted
All I want to know is,
How does this song go?
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Title: Dont bother to read, I am boring Date:: 22-02-2005 at 13:44
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Another typical boring day, I dont even know what day it is or care for that matter. I awoke with a shitty hang-over early which is not like me. So I got stoned and played on BL, went and bought a new book, ‘Bong Water’ - forget the author and another one of Donald Goines books on Pimps - ghetto relaity reading at its finest. Im chewing tobacco, I feel my head ache creeping back. I just took some bupe [I felt achey] I dont want anything to do with hard drugs.
Good weekend Friday mellow and stoned, Sat. visited some friends in the city, fun.
I cant remember parts of last night I only too a small ddose of klonapin but the day or so before I took a shit load so I chalk the memory loss up to a back-log of k-pin in my system. Played pool got drunk, dont really recall comming home. I hate that shit.
Well I should look for a job but I dont feel like it, I am a loser, gotta problem with it? Im so unmotivated its scarey.
Today will be a day of rest, I really really need to stop drinking it eats my money like crack which always enters the picture lately and I hate hate hate the scene and ppl that use daily. Its just not for me but its alwways there. Anyways I really should just stay in for a week and to [ugh I fell like I have to puke] 1 sec.
I hate dry heaving.
IM sleepy
im bored
in stoned
im opiated contently
im lazy
I am going stir crazy
I dont feel like reading
or writing
I dont feel like doing jack shit
and thats what I will do Ill get stoned in a bit and watch a movie, a shower would be good but I will wait till later as I still have to get out of my pajamas.
Oh yea drinking, thats what I was talking about I cant remember the the last time its been where i havent been out drinking at least 1-2 times a night. I hate alcohol such a shitty buzz, I do need some well deserved rest. A vacation from my mind. I have cut my drinking down considereably since I broke up with my ex [good riddence] but my other drugs use has skyrocketed. Got kicked out of another bar last night [bullshit, telling me i am selling drugs, yea fuck joo buddy, its not true]. The only reason I go out is boredumb and when I go out its to get drunk not sipp on a beer or 3, and the other reason is to look at the chicks, I could use a new g/f but I am not findnig her in a bar thats for sure. So even more reason to stop drinking for a bit. I saw that now but come wends or thurs or fir or sat my mind will probably disagree with me.
Whoa is me, this is my little pathetic bitch spot so fuck off if you dont like reading about my life.
There is a little snow cover on the ground and I am officially sick of winter, its almost march I bet on a warm spring. Im listening to wilco. I feel like a blob I need to start exercising but to lazy. I am in fine shape a tad underweight if anything but I am happy with my body so why change it? Maybee so I will have more energy and motivation.
People are calling in the phone I dont want to answer any calls today, and I wont. Thank god its not sunny or my headache/hangover would be worse. A change must happen soon, but I have to put some incentive into trying to change I rely 9sp?) on others way to much.
I should call that girls # I got the other night but I dont want to and probably wont even though I kinda like her. Why cant I meet a girl in a supermarket or library or book store, oh yea I forgot I am a pussy and rarely assert myself. Plus I really dont have much to offer and girl anything at the moment except my fuckered up life (and who wants to deal with my problems). Im just in a rut, its not raining but when it does it pours and being dry is fine with me, Ive had my fill of meaningless sex lately and its boring. Yea tits feel nice and blowjobs rule but its just one of those days where I could give a fuck about a fuck. Maybee its because I am getting older I certaintly dont have the sex drive I had when I was younger, I am curious as if this is a normal physical thing or if there is some tie in to opiate [im sure there is].
im drained of energy, I need some sleep. ‘
im listeneing to the sound track of Jesus’s Son excellent music if I do agree. Sweet Pea - Tommy Roe
[URL=http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00004U03T/002-3307114-4225611?v=glance#product-details]listen[/URL]
I lovve this soung it makes me feel like I should be in some 60’s sock hop highschool dance, its makes my want to dance, and than get some under the bleachers ha. anyways.
[size=1][size:1 gram LIME GREEN][ignite][i]Edited by blahblahblah on 02-22-2005 08:44 (CET)[Ash-white, cough}[/i][/size]
[size=1][swerve[i]Edited by seedless on 02-22-2005 08:46 (burnt< -Good book)[/i][/size of...?]
Well I guess I am going out, fuck I dont want to shave or shower
later skater. Changed my mind no booze I still have a hangover from last night fucking Harp nasty ass beer ugh.
[size=1][i]Edited by a bored kid somewhere in america on 02-23-2005 01:58 (CET)[/i][/size][/inhale...faded out smoke, the edge of a cloud where did it begin and how will it end/exhale
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Title: Wends. Date:: 23-02-2005 at 17:08
================================================================================Awoke to he early afternoon today to a phone call from an old old g/f, 10 yrs old, I was 18 she was 15. It was a fucked up tim period back than bundles of cash and bundles upon bundles of heroin [no I didnt corrupt her]. It was so nice reliving memories we have of each other and how one rememebers what they each want. I was best friends with her older bro, he is off the deep end at the moment, I wish him well, and her mother and brothers. The faimly is a perfect cookie-cutter image of a insanely rich family that has major substance abuse, I give A**** credit for pulling thru and staying sober, she looked so good last time I say her. Quite everything even drinking and it shows, although I do have my doubts she doesnt take a sip of some methadone bottle or the like here and there but she wont admit it so I dont ask. She just found out her mother has been stealing her inhearitence for awhile she is supposed to get 20K a month to live on and now that shit got a lawyer and actually talked to her accountants and money managers, her monthly allowance has doubled. I do miss her, and I do miss those times from when I was 15-24 being part of that family. The shit that went down is unbelievable at times…
I am debating if I should get stoned prior to my drs appt or wait, if I wait blhalbhalbhdg nonsense.
Oh well a Touch Of Grey
Kind of suits you anyway.
That was all I had to say
It’s all right.
To all a good night…
There’s an airline plane
Flies to heaven everyday
Past the pearly gates
If you want to ride this train
Have your ticket in your hand
Before it is too late
If the world looks wrong
And your money’s spent and gone
And your friend has turned away
You can get away to heaven
On this aeroplane
Just bow your head and pray
Them’s got ears, let them hear
Them’s got eyes, let them see
Turn your eyes to the lord of the skies
Take this airline plane
It’ll take you home again
To your home behind the skies
Well a lot of people guess
Some say no and some say yes
Will it take some and leave some behind?
But you will surely know
When to the airport go
To leave this world behind
Oh a lot of speakers speak
A lot of preachers preach
When you lay their salary on the line
Them’s got ears, let them hear
Them’s got eyes, let them see
Turn your eyes to the lord of the skies
Take that airline plane
It’ll take you home again
To your home behind the skies
Your ticket you obtain
On this heavenly airline plane
You leave your sins behind
Them’s got ears, let them hear
Them’s got eyes, let them see
Turn your eyes to the lord of the skies
Take that airline plane
It’ll take you home again
To your home behind the skies
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Title: bored Date:: 25-02-2005 at 20:37
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Time = 8:18pm
Tattoos = nope
Piercings = zero
Height = 5′9-10′ish
Hair color = brown
Eye color = brown w/ twinges of green
Siblings = 1
Last:
Movie you rented = Wicker Park
Movie you last bought = I dont buy movies
CD you bought/burned = new Beck
Song you listened to = El Paso - GD
T.V. show you’ve watched = MTV real world
Thing you bought = heroin
Do:
You wish you could live somewhere else? = at times
Others find you attractive = you’d have to ask them
You want more piercings = no
You like cleaning = no
You like roller coasters = yea ther eok I guess
You write cursive or print = print
Teenage smoking = is the ‘norm’ attention whores
Driving drunk = yup
Ever cried over a girl = no
Ever cried over a boy = yes a dead friend
Ever been lied to= sure
Ever been arrested = yup
What:
Shampoo do you use = TRESemme
Shoes do you wear = New Balance occasionallly Timberland leather boots (I need a new pair now that I think about it)
Are you scared of = failure
Number:
Of hearts I have broken? = a handful, Im sure
Of people I could trust with my life? = 3-7
Of scars on my body? = many
Of things in my past that I regret? = Alot, mainly drug induced insanity shit… I’ll leave it at that.
Do you think you are:
Funny = not really
Loveable = maybee
Caring = Yup
Dorky = I dont know
Favorite:
4 letter word = weed
Actor/Actress = um, Christina Ricci
Color(s) = Green and all shades of it (except for puke)
Person who last:
Saw you cry: Some shrink
Yelled at you: hmm some stupid bitch
Sent you an email: Mother
Have you ever:
Said “I love you”= And meant it?, NO
Kept a secret from everyone. = Yea/kinda
Cried during a movie = rarely
What time is it now? = 826pm
Apples or bananas? = bananas
Blue or red? = blu
Walmart or target? = Walmart is there a difference?
Spring or Fall? = tough one, Fall
What are you gonna do after you finish this? = take some pills and finish off my heroin and than maybee organize my music or write, staying in tonight for a rare change.
Last:
Noise you heard? = Guitar strings reverberating
Smell you sniffed? = food
Time you went out of state? = a month or so
Do you want children one day & if so, how many = yup, 1 or 2
Most important thing to you in a friendship is? = always there in times of need, and an open ear
Other Info:
Criminal record? = yes, all expunged clean record [it should be of fmy record by now I havent checked], I