Sweetdreams

Well I was wondering where has everyone been? Is the website closed down??I have been having a hell of a time with everything! mY BOYFRIEND just got 7 day detox from the methadone clinic and i hope i dont get one tomorrow! That would really suck shit! Just cause i am starting a new job on friday! I guess if i do get one then i will have to try to detox but then if i cant just go and buy dope! i mean seriously! That would really suck! i think dope is easier to egt off of than methadone anyway!!!!I really want to get on the suboxone but the methadone has to be out of your system completely before you start that! So i would never be able to go without for 3 days!!!! I couldnt even imagine! I would just go out and get high on something else! It really wasnt a shock that this happened! we knew it was coming but when?????
Besides that! i guess everything could be better! I am still not that happy that he is living with me but hey it will be 5 years that we have been together! i cant believe that!

wow what a week i have been having! ya know sometimes i find it hard to belive people and i am trying to be friends with this girl but i just dont know??? I dont know if i trust her! so i dont want to talk to her about anything. SHe has been calling me 3 times a day and she is goin through alot right now but she has ALOT of baggage! so i realy dont want to get involved! SHe got in a fight today at he clinic, she didnt start it and now she s getting kicked out! So i cant afford to get kicke dout!  NOt now i cant. But i just dont know???? supposedly she stole a electronic game from this other girl but she said sh e didnt do it! But then 2 days later she was at my aptartment trying to  sell the same exact thing that was stolen!

This week has been pretty rough for me. 4 years ago my boyfriend had overdosed and died. I have never been back to the cemetary since. I have been wanting to go but for some reason I dont! I miss him very much I just cant believe that it has been four years since he has past. I always think about him and especially lately i have. I knew that this week was gonna be rough and it has. I just havent been myself. I actually am glad though that I have made it to work every day. I think when i keep myself buzy that is the best thing for me. I always think what would it be like if he was alive today? There were soo many things that we never did together. i think about that alot!!! It just seems weird to me cause now I havent spoken to anyone in his family since his death! I occasionally see his 2 little brothers but that is about it! I never see his step dad anymore and I used to see him every day. I do miss that part of it.  Anyway- now my younger sister is dealing with the same thing. Her boyfriend died about 2 months ago but he dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of 26!!!! His family has been bothering her and they wont leave her alone. She was with him for 9 years! I feel bad for her cause i know what she is goin through and it isnt fun! I know that i went to a group at the clinic for grief and loss and that helped me out alot. Maybe that is what she should do. You cant keep your feelings bottled up inside of yourself. I knwo i do that alot and it isnt healthy!!!
Besides all this stuff I just ahvent been happy this week, i have no energy i have no desire to do anything except sit in my bed!!! I hope next week is better.

Over the weekend I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room. Let me tell you that he was treated like shit! We told them that he is onmethadone . First of all! Then the doctor asked if he did drugs . Then the dr asked if he shoots them! Well we should have lied! The nurses  did a complete 360 in their attitude towards us! The nurse that came to take his blood grabbed him arm and says”Okay where are the good ones!!!” Then she says oh they arent good anymore they are all used up! SHe poked him about 10 times! Then they gave him some medicaine to drink and it made him sick! Well they threw a bucket at him literally after the fact! He kept telling them he was gonna get sick and they were like oh be a big boy! We did say somethuing to the fact that oh now you are gonna treat us different cause we do drugs and the nurse flipped out! She was like NO we arent! She said you dont know anything at all ! SHe was very rude to us! I just cant belive how he got treated! they left him in the emergency room for almost 4 hours without even seeing him! HE came in with chest pains!!! SO that was wrong also!!!! Ya know it just seems like we were being honest and then we got screwed for it!!

I have been really struggling the past couple months with my addiction. I dont know what else to do?? I have been going to meetings and to groups at the methadone clinic but it doesnt seem to be helping??? I also have been thinking about my boyfriend that had died 5 years ago. It will be five years on March 3rd! I dont know I think about him every day and just wonder what it would be like if he were here today? I always think about that??? I know he isnt coming back but I miss him dearly! It sucks! He was my best friend. I just feel as if i will never find anyone like him again. I dont think i am very happy right now in my relationship I know I need to change my ways and so does my partner. But we havent changed a dams thing in almost a year now! Its the same old shit everyday! It just is getting old! I want a normal life again! That is all. Just to be normal!! Ha what is that mean??? does anyone know?? I guess I would be happy if I was clean off of all drugs, and Have a secure job and not have to worry about money things like that! My counselor at the clinic wants me to go back to the psychiatrist but I dont want to! I didnt like being on all those medications! And secondly they wouldnt even let me take some of them so why bother>????

Did you ever have one of those weeks or days where you just wish you were dead? Well i am having one of those days! I just wish everything was different! I am still on the clinic and they want me to go back to the psychiatrist and take medications! But i dont want to!!! I mean the clinic has to have a say in what meds i can take and what ones i cant take! That is just crazy!!! I just wish that i wasnt ont he clinic anymore! I honestly do! I want off so bad!!! I hate having to go there every day! It is just a hassle! I would rather I dotn know?? I just want off!!!!! I am soo tired! I have been working my ass off 6 days a week so my only day off the only thing i do is sleep! I mean I get nothing done at home! I am even wondering whether it is worth me working or not?? I have no idea! I just dont know anymore!!! I lost all my foods stamps so now I need money for everything! It just isnt working how I want it to! My man sttill isnt working so that is really getting frusterating! I mean come on!!! Give me a break!!!! I just wish everything was different! I need to change alot of things real sooN!!!

Well I have to say that I really need to start writing on here again. I have to make the time! I am still working 6 days a week. I really love my job! So that is the only good thign that is goin on in my life right now is work!

I cant stand that my man is living with me!~We never had a fight in 4 years and now all we do is fight! I jsut really want him to leave.. He sits in the apartment every night and smokes crack adn then he gets me started. We trigger each other. But then he wont go to sleep! I need my sleep that is one thing about me, I can get high but then I can go to bed! well he cant! ANd then that drives me nuts!!! I mentioned something to him about him getting his own place. Well lets just say that he didnt take it too well!~ HE ripped the TV friom the wall and had a fuckin temper tantrum!

I mean i just cant do it anymore! I honestly deep down just dont care anymore about him! I never thought I woudl feel that way about him but I do. I know it is gonna hurt him but why shoudl I keep him stringing along when I just dont feel the same way anymore? I just cant tell him yet!  I think he knows it deep down that I am not feeling right about him. But right now he has NOONE b ut me! He ahs no where else to live so what is he gonna do? I jsut cant kick him out on the street! That is not like me at all!  Right now I am just very confuised and depressed!

sometimes I wonder if I am too nice. A good friend of mine got in a fight with his girlfriend and he needs a place to stay . SO i told him he could stay with me . HE is paying me to stay here. But between him and my boyfriend I cant take it. I come home from work yesterday and everything was moved around all my furniture! I mean everything! I cant find a fuckin thing. I dont know wheter to appreciate it or what?? I have told my boyfriend 100 times NOT to do this but it seems like he doesnt listen??

I dont know what to do?

Besides this i was seeing someone on the side and now it sucks cause i havent seen him in about a month cause my manmoved in with me. I dont know if he is the right one for me??? We have been together for 5 years almost but i just dont have the feelings for him anymore. I have lots of feelings for this other person but I dont have the nerve to break up with my man. I know that isnt right cause I should just tell him but I dont want to hurt him. Not that I already did. He jsut isnt the same person anymore. He still is smokin crack and I just cant do it anmymore. That should be a NEw Years Resolution. No more drugs! I mean it I have to get my life back in order! I have a great job and i dont want to mess that up.

Well another weekend NO money! I cant wait to get my first pay check. Then I can go buy presents!!!! That is the first thing I am gonna do. Then I have tons of bills that are getting behind!

Sometimes i wish i could win a million dollars , no just be set for life. Never have to worry about money. That would be nice.

This weekend I really need to try and go to a meeting. I havent gone to any groups at the clinic due to the hours of my new job so I am really gonna try to go this weekend to a meeting!!! I need to find a face to face sponsor. I have a great online sponsor. I have had her now for 2 years!!!

I feel good today. I havent used Anything! exceppt for my methadone. So hey it’s a start!! One day at a time right!

Well I started a new job. I love it! I am just answering phones for this pizza shop. The time goes by really fast. Plus I get paid pretty good money. Now the only problem now is that I may lose my health insurance that I get from the state. I cant afford to lose it!!! I got a letter in the mail the other day and it looks like I may??? So what do I do?  I still go to the clinic and thre is no way I can afford to pay for it every week! I dont know what to do. I could care less about the food stamps, that isnt such a big deal but the health benefits are!!!It has been bothering me to the point where I am not sleeping again. When I get worried about something  it bothers me soo bad that I cant sleep, cant eat!!! I dont know??? I was thinking maybe I can ask my new boss if they can pay me some of my pay in cash?? I dont know??? ANy suggestions from anyone??? Its not like I can just walk off the methadone clinic( shit , if i could i would) I love this new job and I really dont want to quit. It sucks ya know- I am damned if I work and damned if I dont!!!!

My man lives with me now and he is still driving me up a wall!!! It is soo different when someone moves in with you! I was spending every day with him so I thought how much different could it be??? WELL its alot different! He must have ADD cause when i get home from work he is like on non stop mission! He never sits the fuck still!!! It has been really geting on my nerves! Plus he moved all my stuff around in the apartment without even asking me! I dont know I am set in my own ways with certain things! I have already talked to him about what he is doing and it goes in one ear and out the other!!!

It doesnt even seem like the holidays to me this year! I dotn know I am not in the Xmas spirit! I guess its cause I have literally NO Money! I dont  get paid untill next week and it is only one weeks worth! I dont know! I feel bad for my son cause I have no idea what to get him for Xmas! He wants expensive shit and I just cant afford it right now! I know he understands but i feel bad! Then his birthday is January 2nd so he alsways gets screwed on presents! Maybe I will just get him somethign really nice for both together!!!

I did a bad of dope the other day, I dont even know why I did it! I wasnt feeling to great and I hadnt gone to the clinic yet so I knew I would feel it! I dont know? I guess I did it cause I was bored!??? I have to stop this cycle!!! I thought if I worked alot of hours then I wouldnt have the desire to use but it hasnt gone away yet! Maybe I am just not done getting high?? Ya know how people say they have had there last run?? well I dont think I have had mine yet!? That is what I think! Its sucks to say it but at elast i am being honest. I cant even talk to anyone like used to at the clinic

I had a great counselor who kept me clean! and now the lady i have now she just isnt doin it for me! She doesnt say anything if I use??? I need someone to really get on my shit!!! Oh well, I have to get to bed!